I usually just hit the first paragraph. I'll review more if it actually appeals to me to read it.
Step 1: You live and die by the first sentence.
Step 2: Your first paragraph needs to put a question in my head I can only get answered by reading your story.
"I have to get out of here by any means, or I’ll die.”
Cliché, but not totally discouraging. At least this line makes me want to read the next paragraph.
These words kept ringing in my head like a warning.
Hrrmmm... So... the MC ISN'T saying these words? Someone SAYS it to him? Or he says it himself and then his words come back to haunt him?
I am Stein Heller, 18 and an abandoned. I grew up in a slum from a young age. Although I grew up with the attitude of righteousness at one stage I became cunning. Theft, pickpocketing, snatching, I was making a living by doing these. At the age of 11, one day a man asked me if I wanted to study, I told him it was the thing I wanted to do more than anything in my life.
Sigh.
Okay, it was looking good for a bit there, but this is reading more like an autobiography. I'm not clear what this story is about or what it is going to be. Is it an action-adventure? Because it started off like that, then it turned into an autobiography, then it started to slide to cautionary tale, then...
Okay. STUDY WHAT?
You were abandoned, but grew up with an attitude of righteousness? How does that work? The hierarchy of needs usually precludes such a priority. You were abandoned... or were you? At first I thought you were abandoned at 18, but then it sounds like you were homeless a long time, then you find someone to help you at 11.
This paragraph is all over. It is also missing some punctuation, but we'll skip that.
This sort of beginning indicates to me this person should be an emotional cripple, not noble. A slum has certain stereotypes with it. You make it sound like you break the mold. Why? What makes him special that he can be righteous even in a world where finding food might be an issue.
Have you ever starved? Been homeless? Lost everything? TRUST ME, nobility goes right out the window. Pride is the most expensive thing you will ever own. If you are backed into a corner, sell it for as much as you can get, but remember you can always buy it back later, you can't always come back from the dead.
I AM THE CONFUSED
Not a good start. I mean, good first sentence, but that first paragraph.
PUT A QUESTION IN MY HEAD THAT CAN ONLY BE ANSWERED BY READING YOUR BOOK.
