First time writing an Isekai LitRPG, looking for some feedback.

[LostinMovement]

So I have written something and it is an Isekai LitRPG with a BL spin on it. For those who don't like BL, this is no actual romantic/sexual content in the three chapters I have written so far.
What I am looking for is some feedback on the LitRPG side of things because I have never written anything in this genre before. I would be thankful to anyone who is generous enough to give those few chapters some of their precious time. The first chapter sets the story, the actual plot starts off from the second chapter.

Here is the synopsis and the link.

The Cursed Prince’s Legend-ranked Knight [BL LitRPG/Isekai]

Transported into the fantasy world of a mysterious book left to him by his departed grandmother, Sergio tries to reverse the disaster that would engulf the entire kingdom in the latter part of the story by saving the villain, instead of the hero. In his desire to shelter the young...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis:

Transported into the fantasy world of a mysterious book left to him by his departed grandmother, Sergio tries to reverse the disaster that would engulf the entire kingdom in the latter part of the story by saving the villain, instead of the hero.
In his desire to shelter the young villain, change the course of history and reach the final quest, Sergio never counted on falling head over heels for the cursed prince.
This is a story of finding love in the unlikeliest, strangest and most magical ways.

Edit : So just after posting this, someone just went and gave me a 1 star rating without any comment or review. Not to be salty or anything but thank you very much for that ! I appreciate it.

 

[Assurbanipal_II]

So I have written something and it is an Isekai LitRPG with a BL spin on it. For those who don't like BL, this is no actual romantic/sexual content in the three chapters I have written so far.
What I am looking for is some feedback on the LitRPG side of things because I have never written anything in this genre before. I would be thankful to anyone who is generous enough to give those few chapters some of their precious time. The first chapter sets the story, the actual plot starts off from the second chapter.

Here is the synopsis and the link.

The Cursed Prince’s Legend-ranked Knight [BL LitRPG/Isekai]

Transported into the fantasy world of a mysterious book left to him by his departed grandmother, Sergio tries to reverse the disaster that would engulf the entire kingdom in the latter part of the story by saving the villain, instead of the hero. In his desire to shelter the young...

www.scribblehub.com

Synopsis:

Transported into the fantasy world of a mysterious book left to him by his departed grandmother, Sergio tries to reverse the disaster that would engulf the entire kingdom in the latter part of the story by saving the villain, instead of the hero.
In his desire to shelter the young villain, change the course of history and reach the final quest, Sergio never counted on falling head over heels for the cursed prince.
This is a story of finding love in the unlikeliest, strangest and most magical ways.

Edit : So just after posting this, someone just went and gave me a 1 star rating without any comment or review. Not to be salty or anything but thank you very much for that ! I appreciate it.

I think it was the BL. Unconventional stories have a difficult standing on this site imao.

 

[LostinMovement]

I think it was the BL. Unconventional stories have a difficult standing on this site imao.

I figured as much. BL be hurting a lot of insecure ppl's sensibilities lol who knows, they might think they could catch the 'gay' from reading it or smthg

 

[Ral]

The first chapter was really meh. Dull infodumps and random flashbacks that makes for a dull chapter that drones on.

The second chapter is definitely a proper LitRPG chapter with everything a person would want with genre. There are issues but it succeeds with the main points.

The third follows the second chapter's lead and gives you what a LitRPG story should have.

Overall, it is decent. It is a typical LitRPG.

There are interesting ideas and you did create a unique monster/species for your story that makes it different from other stories, but the execution makes it pretty much like any other LitRPG. That doesn't mean that is bad. That what might what typical LitRPG fans would like. Still, the generic implementation of the ideas kinda robs them of their unique traits.

The prose is also clumsy and drags the pacing. For example from chapter three:

Out of nowhere, another magical-looking circle similar to the one from before showed up midair.

The phrase "out of nowhere" is redundant. It magically appeared so it is implied that it appeared out of nowhere.

"Magical-looking circle" why not just magic circle? What appears is a magic circle right? Also, what does magical-looking actually mean? These vague phrasings just doesn't help with your descriptions. Might be because you aren't familiar with the terms.

"Similar to the one before" doesn't really help here because the magical-looking circle from before isn't described. You are borrowing from the previous descriptions when those descriptions doesn't exist. You can remove this phrase with no detriment but make the sentence snappier.

So, the sentence would end up like this: "Another magic circle appear in midair". Less bloated and snappy. (Note: I'm actually not a native English speaker. There are others who are better qualified for doing editing like this)

Another issue I have with the story is the protagonist. He is kinda dull and uninteresting and have barely any character. Like, he has just accepts everything with barely any reaction. His actions are robotic. He lacks any motivation or don't seem to be motivated. He is overall, a very typical blank and generic Isekai protagonist.

Still, overall, it is quite decent. There are lots of interesting ideas that differentiates the story from its kind. The execution of the story does makes it more your typical generic LitRPG/Isekai stories.

And oh! The BL . . . I generally don't pick these kind of stories. Not that I dislike BL, I do read some that I liked, but these stories tend to be really corny and cringe-inducing. Most of the time, I just can't get into it.

 

[LostinMovement]

The first chapter was really meh. Dull infodumps and random flashbacks that makes for a dull chapter that drones on.

The second chapter is definitely a proper LitRPG chapter with everything a person would want with genre. There are issues but it succeeds with the main points.

The third follows the second chapter's lead and gives you what a LitRPG story should have.

Overall, it is decent. It is a typical LitRPG.

There are interesting ideas and you did create a unique monster/species for your story that makes it different from other stories, but the execution makes it pretty much like any other LitRPG. That doesn't mean that is bad. That what might what typical LitRPG fans would like. Still, the generic implementation of the ideas kinda robs them of their unique traits.

The prose is also clumsy and drags the pacing. For example from chapter three:



The phrase "out of nowhere" is redundant. It magically appeared so it is implied that it appeared out of nowhere.

"Magical-looking circle" why not just magic circle? What appears is a magic circle right? Also, what does magical-looking actually mean? These vague phrasings just doesn't help with your descriptions. Might be because you aren't familiar with the terms.

"Similar to the one before" doesn't really help here because the magical-looking circle from before isn't described. You are borrowing from the previous descriptions when those descriptions doesn't exist. You can remove this phrase with no detriment but make the sentence snappier.

So, the sentence would end up like this: "Another magic circle appear in midair". Less bloated and snappy. (Note: I'm actually not a native English speaker. There are others who are better qualified for doing editing like this)

Another issue I have with the story is the protagonist. He is kinda dull and uninteresting and have barely any character. Like, he has just accepts everything with barely any reaction. His actions are robotic. He lacks any motivation or don't seem to be motivated. He is overall, a very typical blank and generic Isekai protagonist.

Still, overall, it is quite decent. There are lots of interesting ideas that differentiates the story from its kind. The execution of the story does makes it more your typical generic LitRPG/Isekai stories.

And oh! The BL . . . I generally don't pick these kind of stories. Not that I dislike BL, I do read some that I liked, but these stories tend to be really corny and cringe-inducing. Most of the time, I just can't get into it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read the chapters and to write down your thoughts. I appreciate it.

Yes, I admit I'm inexperienced with the genre that is why I was looking for feedback. I didn't want to stray too far from the general format of LitRPG stories because I don't have the confidence to pull it off at my current level.

My native language isn't English either, in fact it is my third so I sometimes do have issues with descriptions. Thanks for pointing out the bloated and the redundant sentences. I will go back and fix them. Usually when I am writing, some sentences come out okay to me but when someone else reads them, they come off to them, just like you said clumsy or bloated. I guess that's importance of having a beta reader. I will cut back on the prose in the next chapter, make my sentence shorter.

About the protagonist, he has yet to develop. I mean he hasn't even interacted with any one else at this point but I can see why you find him a blank and generic Isekai protagonist. I will take your critique into account as I further flesh him out as a character in upcoming chapters.

Thank you again @Ral :) Your insight was quite helpful.