First Time Writer, Feedback For A Sci-Fantasy Themed GL Story

[Writeinfear]

Hello. I'm a wee starter that recently found the confidence to put my thoughts into words. I've been stalling myself for years while conditioning myself to learn how to draw first though by now I came to the conclusion that I may as well start.

The current book I am working on is about a pair of women that find each other in every reincarnation of their lives, though only their appearance and names carry over to the next life while anything else is wiped clean. I'm trying to give insight to the world they are in through their narrative slowly but I do have to admit I struggle finding a balance between progressing the story and giving lore drops that aren't suffocating or unrelated. The general idea is to show parts of the world through every new life, a new culture or location.

I'd appreciate insight or honestly a text about what you "conclude" and understand from the story so far to what sort of world the book is set in alongside general feedback. Thank you.

Rebirth

Two intertwined souls, finding one another in every reincarnation with no memory or knowledge of their previous encounters. Experience a world meddled with magic and swiftly developing technology through their eyes as they try to stand against the cruelty of fate. Each story is named as an...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[StoneInky]

Hello. I'm a wee starter that recently found the confidence to put my thoughts into words. I've been stalling myself for years while conditioning myself to learn how to draw first though by now I came to the conclusion that I may as well start.

The current book I am working on is about a pair of women that find each other in every reincarnation of their lives, though only their appearance and names carry over to the next life while anything else is wiped clean. I'm trying to give insight to the world they are in through their narrative slowly but I do have to admit I struggle finding a balance between progressing the story and giving lore drops that aren't suffocating or unrelated. The general idea is to show parts of the world through every new life, a new culture or location.

I'd appreciate insight or honestly a text about what you "conclude" and understand from the story so far to what sort of world the book is set in alongside general feedback. Thank you.

Rebirth

Two intertwined souls, finding one another in every reincarnation with no memory or knowledge of their previous encounters. Experience a world meddled with magic and swiftly developing technology through their eyes as they try to stand against the cruelty of fate. Each story is named as an...

www.scribblehub.com

Will try after lunch. I have heard that my reviews can be a tad fierce, so please take it as a hint of salt.

 

[FoundForester]

let me start off by saying I'm Definitely NOT your target audience so take everything I say with a mountain of salt.

With that out of the way... I'll be frank. I find this piece hard to read.

we begin with your open.

A swing of an open palm — and for the briefest moment, a shimmer trails off from its fingers before it drags along the abdomen. A clean cut that drops the receiver onto her knees, her arms wrapping around the open cut to slow the flow of blood. Another stands tall above her, the owner of the swung palm now holding it in a tight fist. She watches the result of her strike while her thumb nervously rubs along the side of her finger, emotion held back by the rush of adrenaline yet to settle. Though senses slowly return, the sound of raindrops hitting the brim of her hat ringing in her ears while the wind blows her blonde locks to the side. Her stiffened hands loosen to a tremble as the effects of adrenaline are instead replaced with the weight of reality.

"A swing of an open palm — and for the briefest moment, a shimmer trails off from its fingers before it drags along the abdomen. A clean cut that drops the receiver onto her knees, her arms wrapping around the open cut to slow the flow of blood. "

The visuals are pretty, but it feels cumbersome, stilted, and awkward to read. referring to the person who's being injured as a "Receiver" is an odd and sterile choice that sucks the life out of what should be a heart twisting scene. It almost makes them feel like an object. something devoid of humanity.

I see the same issue a few sentences later

Another stands tall above her, the owner of the swung palm now holding it in a tight fist

Referring to a charter as "Another" or "The Owner" is unnatural, distancing and doesn't give me anything connect with, care about, or even be interested in. I feel like I'm looking into murky water and seeing not people... but shapes of things.

Maybe you're going for some kind of dream sequence thing here. But it may not be a great idea for an opening chapter.

But I feel there is a larger overall issue with it.

The pacing and structure are slow. painfully so. Again, I might only feel this way because I'm not the target audience, but you're spending a lot time with small, almost pointless things (like describing every breath or tiny movement) and it just dilutes the impact of the moment.

This only make my second issue with your story worse.

It's overwritten.

"Oh god, oh shit..." She mumbles to herself while the black haired woman is held in her arms. The visual before her clearly showed it was too late for any meaningful treatment. Though despite it all the bleeding woman meets her gaze, her crimson eyes finding her soon-to-be murderer's azure pair, "You finally did it," a weakened chuckle drags itself out of her lungs, alongside it a small cough of blood that sullies her chin.

Ignoring the odd and distancing word choice, this is a lot of words to describe one woman bleeding out in the arms of another. also "her crimson eyes finding her soon-to-be murderer's azure pair" Why do we need to know what color their eyes are in this moment!? someone is dying. Why are you telling us that this is her so-to-be murder? The fact she is bleeding out already told us this.

I don't want to sound mean in saying this. But if you cut out the Flowey visuals and bloat, you would be left with two or three sentences that express the same thought.

I think I'll leave my feedback there as I feel I will just repeat the same points.

You're clearly a skilled writer but maybe it's just not for me.

 

[MasterY001]

Will also read and leave a review probably tomorrow. I needed to sleep like yesterday

 

[Madmcgee]

Congrats for giving writing a go!

It's a rush when you finally get your work out there and open it up to other people.

Just read your first chapter and I'm going to keep what I think fairly simple and in line with what many others told myself as I came out of the gates with a lot of the same issues I'm seeing.

Take it with a grain of salt because I'm still a beginner so far as I'm concerned but:

1. You gotta chop up those paragraphs. Formatting is important, and while I was a lot worse, like, eight sentences long per paragraph, worse , having those big bricks just makes it hard for a lot of people to read and follow your story. The best thing I can say here is to keep it small. It's better to have a single line (in my experience) than an extra one tacked on to make a 5-line paragraph (as an example)

I tend to aim for between two and four personally, but even then, it can be too much for some people, (as I've been told)

2. You've got a case of flowery prose. (Don't feel bad, I love reading the stuff, which is why my writing mirrors that) I personally have to take extra time to trim the fat from my own work because it comes from my head exactly how I like to read it, and I do primarily write for myself. Still, most people I've spoken to seem to hate the stuff with a passion.

Something to remember. Sometimes, keeping it simple is golden.

3. The dialogue could use some attention (just as a general rule). You're avoiding the miserable trap of 'he said' and 'she said', which already has you on the right course in my opinion; however, it felt stilted and jarring to read at times, too many pauses without much being said.

The dialogue is the heart of a story that's character-focused. You're putting a lot of thought into setting the scene, which is awesome, btw, but the words actually spoken between your two MC's felt flat and didn't hit emotionally because of it.

Honestly, I think if you clean it up a little, you'll have a gem on your hands. Either way, always remember criticism is your friend. As much as it can hurt, it's the only way to escape the echo chamber of one's own head.

Or, just ignore me I suck with my own native language and probably shouldn't be handing out advise to anyone about it.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Thank you for being brave enough to ask for feedback, posting a story in itself is a huge leap of faith.

I only read the first part you have listed. I see what you are going for in the scene and I think you have fantastic potential with it.

My issue was, I had to re-read the whole thing at least four times to follow through the immense purple prose.

Once I made it through that, things just seemed a hair out of order. Like why not explain that the roof was caved in when you describe the room in shatters? You wait until the end when we know something is letting the rain in...

Then there's the opening sequence. I get that the was a strike of some magnitude, that opened a mortal wound on girl 2 (black haired). However it's hard to fathom an open palm strike did that. Then you go into a sentence of girl 1 having her hand closed.
I just think it needs clarity. I get you are going for mystery of "who are these girls?!"

Yet you have to give the reader something. You'd almost be better off without saying anything about the strike, and start the scene with the black haired girl hitting the floor after the long battle.

The conversation is the important part to the whole section, and that's buried in purple prose. Let the two talk, get their final words and thoughts out. Set the stage for the coming love story that is clearly both good and twisted.

I think you dial back the purple prose, open the layout of the scene a little better, give the reader more than a myriad of pronouns that aren't easily figured out - and focus on what you have as important ( the fact that they will meet again), and you've got yourself a fun little story.

I hope this helps and please, if you want to chat more - just DM me or send a message.

Thank you for the quick peek into your new story. Good Luck! ?

 

[StoneInky]

Hello. I'm a wee starter that recently found the confidence to put my thoughts into words. I've been stalling myself for years while conditioning myself to learn how to draw first though by now I came to the conclusion that I may as well start.

The current book I am working on is about a pair of women that find each other in every reincarnation of their lives, though only their appearance and names carry over to the next life while anything else is wiped clean. I'm trying to give insight to the world they are in through their narrative slowly but I do have to admit I struggle finding a balance between progressing the story and giving lore drops that aren't suffocating or unrelated. The general idea is to show parts of the world through every new life, a new culture or location.

I'd appreciate insight or honestly a text about what you "conclude" and understand from the story so far to what sort of world the book is set in alongside general feedback. Thank you.

Rebirth

Two intertwined souls, finding one another in every reincarnation with no memory or knowledge of their previous encounters. Experience a world meddled with magic and swiftly developing technology through their eyes as they try to stand against the cruelty of fate. Each story is named as an...

www.scribblehub.com

Eh, I think it may be that your prose is just not suited to webnovels? You definitely have a more traditional novel vibe. And the fact that your paragraphs are so chunky do not make it better.

Most of the problems I see are smaller ones like unnecessarily explaining. You do not need to tell us that women are looked down on if someone is calling her a girlie and making fun of her, for example. That and the fact that grown men usually do not mock like this? It reads more childish. More natural would be having her opinions dismissed, or being completely ignored when she tries to sign up. Things like that. Yeah, life as a woman sucked back in the day. Lmao.

Everyone else already burned your novel first, so I'll stop here. :) Sometimes you can feel overwhelmed by the amount of critique and problems you see as a new writer. So I will add, please do not give up. Keep writing. See that slop of trashy webnovels out there with 100+ chapters? They all have lots of readers. Compare that to yours. Your novel is better than that. The only thing you do not have is more chapters.

Please strive for more chapters. Good luck on your novel, and I hope you get tons of readers.

 

[Macha]

[Snip]

Keep writing. See that slop of trashy webnovels out there with 100+ chapters? They all have lots of readers. Compare that to yours. Your novel is better than that. The only thing you do not have is more chapters.

Yeah. And you are already on the right track by writing GL so you know the site's meta and have majority of the site's users as target audience. If you don't have more readers after 100+ chapters, then something is wrong.

2000+ readers after chapter 100 should be the minimum.

 

[Leti]

Now this is refreshing. There is finally a new writer who is not asking feedback for a story with just one chapter and under 1000 words, only to delete their story then leaving the site forever after some negative comments.

The forum is healing. Good luck on your novel and welcome to SH!