First novel, would like some feedback on what I should improve.

[jupitrion]

Hello, I posted ten chapters of my first novel and planning to do more but I’d like some advice on the current chapters.

Rogue Blade

Where are you? In a world long lost to time, the land of Ventura was once a sanctuary of mythical creatures and powerful magic. A tapestry woven with the threads of Elves, Humans, and Beastmen, it was a peaceful realm, where mixed civilizations thrived and cooperation reigned. This fragile...

www.scribblehub.com

First thing I do notice is that the story is kinda fast paced, at least some chapters.

Thanks in advance.

 

[jupitrion]

It's not that bad is it?

 

[Cananga]

Linguistically it is good. Feels like it written by someone who passed essay writing course.

In term of literature it was also nice. It started of with a bang and gave a distance goal to look at, to find the sister. Though the start feels very slow and you have to waddle through thick narrative that, honestly, it feels like it can be put in later chapter. Overall though, still good.

Now for personal nitpick: it tasted like a plain bread. Litrpg are among the most common so its need more than good writing to make it worth reading. From the synopsis and early chapters (like up to 6) I don't catch anythig that made me want to finish reading the story. Feels like there is no central theme, no "what the writer trying to tell" at the core. Take some popular recent anime/manga for example: Delicious in Dungeon have "healthy lifestyle" at its core or maybe Frieren "simple things in a grand adventure." This story, at least for me, feels like there is nothing to grasp on.

 

[Humanistheart]

I should probably take my own advice here but I'd suggest shortening the synopsis - or having the first paragraph tell it all then a divide and the rest telling the same info but in expanded form.

 

[jupitrion]

Alright thank you, I’ll take that into account, I really don’t want it to feel like a plain litrpg, I'm aiming more for a Danmachi vibe but with less cringe. I’m trying to spice up things right now.

 

[Rookieqw]

One thing I noticed is:

"Only one hit with that one," he grumbled. He conjured another broken shortsword from a portal and slid it into his holster.

"That's enough for today," he muttered, adjusting the heavy bag of Ahlverite gemstones on his back.

He grumbled. He conjured. He muttered. Too many he. Unless you are hiding the character's identity on purpose (and there's no reason for it based on what I had read), try using a name and adding an action to differentiate dialogues by the same character.

But do keep in mind that I'm the worst writer on any site, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

 

[jupitrion]

One thing I noticed is:


He grumbled. He conjured. He muttered. Too many he. Unless you are hiding the character's identity on purpose (and there's no reason for it based on what I had read), try using a name and adding an action to differentiate dialogues by the same character.

But do keep in mind that I'm the worst writer on any site, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

I agree, I’ll try and make things less repeated. Thank you.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

But do keep in mind that I'm the worst writer on any site, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.

You may not be a brilliant writer, but, trust me on this, you are FAR from the worst. Maybe the worst on this thread but definitely not this site.