erintesden
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First chapter of "Valiant Phantasm" (Fantasy/Adventure)
- Thread starter erintesden
- Start date
StoneInky
Heart of Stone, Head of Ink
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First Impressions:
The synopsis is on the short side and has a completely different tone from the actual story. I would suggest editing it. Especially since the cover and title also look misleading. If not for the genre tags, I wouldn't expect a comedy romance fantasy, but something more like modern literature.
Thoughts on the Story:
I like how you started off the story, straight into events, without any long exposition about the protagonist and the setting. You introduced all the characters quickly, and I like Naga, which is nice, lol.
The main issue you have is with the story flow. It's too abrupt and jerky, and I think it's because you progress the story atmosphere and character interactions unnaturally. I'll give you an example from chapter one:
Morgan and the goblin woman talk, then she discovers he's not 'from there'. Morgan turns tense. He flinches. Naturally the readers expect there to be some sort of conflict afterwards, or Morgan to act wary of the goblin woman after this happens... however, in your story, the two just keep interacting same as before. There is no added tension, Morgan even eats the food Naga recommends, and says 'the town is a good place'. He's acting like he's completely let down his guard.
Then you later say Naga was 'threatening him with a crossbow' during this time, and Morgan was warily expecting her to take him to jail, which is weird. If that was the case, they certainly weren't acting like it.
And lastly, Naga says she isn't going to take him to jail, and they're suddenly best buddies. Morgan follows Naga to a place he doesn't even know, does as she asks and shows her his arrow shooting skills. He acts like he trusts her completely. Like, what happened? Isn't this the first time they've met? How the hell did they progress this fast?
I think the best way to explain it would be that you give us conflicting info. What you tell is different from what you show. The two act like they've known each other for a long time, or like they're both power extroverts, and you're trying to fix it by continuously telling us the situation is tense and awkward. But this doesn't work, since their actions show differently.
As I've said, either slow down their interactions, or make em both naive power extroverts who love trusting people.
And that'll all for my review, lol. Good luck.
The synopsis is on the short side and has a completely different tone from the actual story. I would suggest editing it. Especially since the cover and title also look misleading. If not for the genre tags, I wouldn't expect a comedy romance fantasy, but something more like modern literature.
Thoughts on the Story:
I like how you started off the story, straight into events, without any long exposition about the protagonist and the setting. You introduced all the characters quickly, and I like Naga, which is nice, lol.
The main issue you have is with the story flow. It's too abrupt and jerky, and I think it's because you progress the story atmosphere and character interactions unnaturally. I'll give you an example from chapter one:
Morgan and the goblin woman talk, then she discovers he's not 'from there'. Morgan turns tense. He flinches. Naturally the readers expect there to be some sort of conflict afterwards, or Morgan to act wary of the goblin woman after this happens... however, in your story, the two just keep interacting same as before. There is no added tension, Morgan even eats the food Naga recommends, and says 'the town is a good place'. He's acting like he's completely let down his guard.
Then you later say Naga was 'threatening him with a crossbow' during this time, and Morgan was warily expecting her to take him to jail, which is weird. If that was the case, they certainly weren't acting like it.
And lastly, Naga says she isn't going to take him to jail, and they're suddenly best buddies. Morgan follows Naga to a place he doesn't even know, does as she asks and shows her his arrow shooting skills. He acts like he trusts her completely. Like, what happened? Isn't this the first time they've met? How the hell did they progress this fast?
I think the best way to explain it would be that you give us conflicting info. What you tell is different from what you show. The two act like they've known each other for a long time, or like they're both power extroverts, and you're trying to fix it by continuously telling us the situation is tense and awkward. But this doesn't work, since their actions show differently.
As I've said, either slow down their interactions, or make em both naive power extroverts who love trusting people.
And that'll all for my review, lol. Good luck.
erintesden
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@StoneInky I'm glad you liked the start directly to the point, I had some exposition it was relatively important but it felt forced to put it at the very first chapter, so it probably will end up in the future second chapter.
I'm glad you liked Naga too, she is a fun character too write, and yeah, I'm now seeing I may have sent some mixed messages with her behavior here.
I'll try to modify some details; on one side, her trusting blindly on Morgan is explained by the "instincts" she mentioned, she meant it quite literally that if Morgan were a truly suspicious person/dangerous person she would feel it. So I guess I'll make her day it more bluntly.
I'll also likely just delete the whole.psrt with her threatening Morgan with the crossbow and make it so Naga was just being fully nice and he just is misunderstanding/nervous because she has her weapon with her (she was on service).
The summary thing it's likely the part that is gonna make me suffer the most, I'm bad with them lol
I'm glad you liked Naga too, she is a fun character too write, and yeah, I'm now seeing I may have sent some mixed messages with her behavior here.
I'll try to modify some details; on one side, her trusting blindly on Morgan is explained by the "instincts" she mentioned, she meant it quite literally that if Morgan were a truly suspicious person/dangerous person she would feel it. So I guess I'll make her day it more bluntly.
I'll also likely just delete the whole.psrt with her threatening Morgan with the crossbow and make it so Naga was just being fully nice and he just is misunderstanding/nervous because she has her weapon with her (she was on service).
The summary thing it's likely the part that is gonna make me suffer the most, I'm bad with them lol