First chapter of 'King' is out! Any criticisms? + explanation for the long chapter(s)

[Sylverius]

So, I've released my first chapter. It's my first story, but any and all criticisms are accepted.

If you haven't read it yet, go here: https://www.scribblehub.com/read/237223-king/chapter/237592/

Now, about why this chapter was long, in the original version, it was so short. There was barely any emotions being exuded from Noel, and MC was the only showing confidence. He didn't show anything else. It continued on and on, and I decided to rework the whole story, I made sure to lengthen it all, add more interactions, but it repeated.

I had a hard time on how to fix this kind of problem, and that's when I was referred to this site by my novel buddy. I conversed with random people that are actually good people that didn't hold back in criticizing (at least I think they didn't) which is something very rare to come across to.

So, I wanted to at least see if the hard work I took to understand and apply at least some of it was good. This is just the first chapter, so don't expect too much.

SO! What do you guys think?

 

[Leti]

Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent.
For feedback, I recommend these sites. They have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews. If you need opinions for your first chapters in this site, I recommend these threads.

Most readers on ScribbleHub are silent.
For feedback, I recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.

 

[High-in-the-skys]

Oh no, not my demon eye!
(Lol jk)
But seriously, this felt like my chuunibyou side is awakening. You should add 'shounen' for the tag. For those that love shounen, you got a good start. (I really felt the cringe but don't worry your story is not bad, I just have allergies at this kind of shounen)

Grammar is ok. Though I prefer if you change the words inside (parentheses) to some form. Maybe *asterisk* or something though if it's your style, go ahead I just thought words in parentheses is less appropriate.

For the plot. Well, I don't think I should be judging on here... well you got the cliche flags/foreshadowing I guess. If you go the line of cliche though, the story might turn into typical isekai MC so make sure you properly do the twist if you will do it ?

Does this count as a decent review? I mean, I only reviewed 2 stories AFAIK. Well for people who love shounen of this kind, I think this chapter shows what they could expect on the series (OP MC and Mysterious MC). Well that's it I guess...

 

[Sylverius]

Oh no, not my demon eye!
(Lol jk)
But seriously, this felt like my chuunibyou side is awakening. You should add 'shounen' for the tag. For those that love shounen, you got a good start. (I really felt the cringe but don't worry your story is not bad, I just have allergies at this kind of shounen)

Grammar is ok. Though I prefer if you change the words inside (parentheses) to some form. Maybe *asterisk* or something though if it's your style, go ahead I just thought words in parentheses is less appropriate.

For the plot. Well, I don't think I should be judging on here... well you got the cliche flags/foreshadowing I guess. If you go the line of cliche though, the story might turn into typical isekai MC so make sure you properly do the twist if you will do it ?

Does this count as a decent review? I mean, I only reviewed 2 stories AFAIK. Well for people who love shounen of this kind, I think this chapter shows what they could expect on the series (OP MC and Mysterious MC). Well that's it I guess...

Hahaha, if it awakens your chuunibyou side, don't worry. There's more to come hehehe.

About the parenthesis, they're the ones that help the other readers, if they're confused, to help distinguish it better. But, if I find that there are a lot of people who don't like that sort of thing, then I'll remove it.

Ah, the foreshadowing... Let's just say I'll try imitating Isayama, the author of Attack on Titan.

Yep, no reviews are bad or decent unless the review itself is just plain old super vague and stupid, but hey, no worries. Also, I tried to search for the shounen tag, sadly there isn't. And if you thought this was shounen... Let's see hehehe...

 

[EternalSunset0]

It's too early to tell for the plot. For a first chapter, it's fine I guess. It felt a bit short, actually.

The writing itself is a bit lacking in description for my liking, since I found myself having difficulty in visualizing the setting at times. It's not that big of a concern as of now, though. You also had some mechanical errors like punctuation, but it's not something that bothers me too much. I think you shifted tenses suddenly, too. Besides, in my first two volumes of my story, I had the issue of shifting tenses as well, and I only learned about it thanks to a comment after the guy finished volume two. Overall, I think there are far more people more qualified to teach you that thing with tenses here, especially since we use different perspectives (mine is third person).

I have similar sentiments with @High-in-the-skys in that the parentheses words are immersion breaking. I think you can convert them into some form which mechanically flows better. Just an example:

"Ngh..." She had a face similar to mine when my family caught me watching (censored hehe).

I think the "censored hehe" broke immersion for me. It felt as if the character was talking but suddenly shifted to you, the author (?) I'm not sure if I worded it right but it slightly bothered me for a bit. There are multiple instances, such as (the doctor) when you could have just converted it into ", said the doctor." or (Male voice) when it could have just been ", requested a male voice."

The same goes for the out of place "CHOTTO MATTE KUDESAI!!" I think just keeping everything in English would be fine. I mean, if you typed in "Hold on, please wait" alone, I would have probably mentally read that line in Japanese anyway lol. It's just that the voice somehow changed here compared to when the protagonist was introduced.

Speaking of, I was still not sure of what to think of your protagonist. I found myself cycling through male anime voices when trying to read his lines, and by the end, I think I settled on the upbeat, outgoing voice. I hope I envisioned your character right.

As for the lines themselves, I can kinda see what you're trying to go for here. The idea I got from your lines is that you're making a lighthearted isekai that's not to be taken too seriously. That's not a bad thing, and I know a couple of people who would enjoy your work. Think something like... Isekai Smartphone (?) in terms of vibes.

Somehow, this reborn as a baby thing reminds me of Mushuko Tensei or Knights and Magic. In way, Misfit of Demon King Academy too. Any of these inspired you? It won't affect my enjoyment moving forward. I'm probably the more rare breed of creator/consumer that actually revels in cliches and tropes. As long as something in the execution works for me, I won't mind consuming the same stuff with slight variations over and over again. So you wouldn't have to worry about that from me.

Hope this helped. Good luck!

 

[Sylverius]

"Ngh..." She had a face similar to mine when my family caught me watching (censored hehe).

I think the "censored hehe" broke immersion for me. It felt as if the character was talking but suddenly shifted to you, the author (?) I'm not sure if I worded it right but it slightly bothered me for a bit. There are multiple instances, such as (the doctor) when you could have just converted it into ", said the doctor." or (Male voice) when it could have just been ", requested a male voice."

Now that you mention it, I should change it immediately.

The same goes for the out of place "CHOTTO MATTE KUDESAI!!" I think just keeping everything in English would be fine. I mean, if you typed in "Hold on, please wait" alone, I would have probably mentally read that line in Japanese anyway lol. It's just that the voice somehow changed here compared to when the protagonist was introduced.

Well, the random "CHOTTO MATTE KUDESAI!!" is supposed to be foreshadowing that he knows, not just english, but also japanese. And, about the language that they use, it's not english. It's a different language, everything will be explained about that soon.

Speaking of, I was still not sure of what to think of your protagonist. I found myself cycling through male anime voices when trying to read his lines, and by the end, I think I settled on the upbeat, outgoing voice. I hope I envisioned your character right.

You did! I wanted him to start off as being an opportunistic brat that is also quite spoiled, yet quite fair. I also planned him to be cunning and sly, as well as dirty when it is his last resort.

As for the lines themselves, I can kinda see what you're trying to go for here. The idea I got from your lines is that you're making a lighthearted isekai that's not to be taken too seriously. That's not a bad thing, and I know a couple of people who would enjoy your work. Think something like... Isekai Smartphone (?) in terms of vibes.

That's not to be taken too seriously... You'd be wrong about that, I tell you.

Somehow, this reborn as a baby thing reminds me of Mushuko Tensei

*PROFUSELY SWEATING*

You also had some mechanical errors like punctuation, but it's not something that bothers me too much. I think you shifted tenses suddenly, too. Besides, in my first two volumes of my story, I had the issue of shifting tenses as well, and I only learned about it thanks to a comment after the guy finished volume two. Overall, I think there are far more people more qualified to teach you that thing with tenses here, especially since we use different perspectives (mine is third person).

The punctuations... Yeah. I suck at those, I'm sorry about that, but I've been trying to practice whenever I have the time. If, IF you're bothered by it, I'll try to at least make it better for your OCD to lessen. This applies to the other readers too.

Hope this helped. Good luck!

It did! And thank you for putting down a review. I appreciate that. Also, I hope I was able to clear out some confusions, so if you're confused about some things, you're free to tell me. As much as possible, I don't want to put down some asspulls.

Edit: I removed all the parenthesizes and kind of did what you said. I have to say, it looks a lot better.

 

[EternalSunset0]

Well, the random "CHOTTO MATTE KUDESAI!!" is supposed to be foreshadowing that he knows, not just english, but also japanese. And, about the language that they use, it's not english. It's a different language, everything will be explained about that soon.

That's not to be taken too seriously... You'd be wrong about that, I tell you.

*PROFUSELY SWEATING*

- Thanks for telling me about the languages thing. It's all just part of a "wait and see." I think my point still stands that it feels a bit jarring. I'm glad it's not just a random throwaway line that will not have justification though.

- Well, given your influences, I'm sure that there will be a "shit gets real" scene or arc sooner down the line. But as of now, the tone is still very lighthearted and easygoing. You haven't shown me enough of the isekai destination, after all.

- More than half the people who write isekai here, it seems, are inspired by MT, so I wouldn't be surprised. Then again, when I say "here" I'm amost exclusively referring to the forums and the threads that I have lurked on or discussed on. Also helps that almost everyone in the anime community kept hyping the show too. If AoT 4 did not exist, it's probably the mainstream blow-up show of the season.

 

[Sylverius]

Hmm... Perhaps I should make like, a mass release up to chapter 5-10 or so... Hopefully, this should clear up many misunderstandings and confusions.