Feedback on the first two chapters of my fanfic

phloebotomy

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Jul 11, 2025
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Hey all,

I guess what I'm struggling with right now is balance. Specifically, I'm having trouble balancing the interiority of my characters, description, and dialogue. I know "show, don't tell" is sometimes given as advice in places where it might not be relevant, but I do think I might be over-telling here, as well as writing long descriptions without really incorporating them into the structure of my writing so they read more fluidly.

I really like Charlie Jane Anders' exploration of her characters' internal thoughts and how it incorporates itself into the plot, so I'm trying to work more on that in particular.

Any additional critiques are welcome, but I do want to give some ideas of what I'm looking to learn instead of just asking without giving any context.

Link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2237427/skylar-slow-down/
 
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