Feedback on my first chapter?

[Arilia]

First impressions are important, so I decided to revisit and edit the first chapter in my story. I would greatly appreciate any feedback you can provide! This involves awkward sexual exploration between a neurodivergent intersex person and her childhood best friend. It starts tame, but gets a little smutty by the end.

Valley After 1.1: ❤︎ Roommates

The author note at the top is also the series summary, if there's any ways I could improve that too. I tried to be concise and blunt so people don't feel misled about what they're getting into, without giving too much away.

 

[7ydy]

this was hot, but the first couple paragraphs threw me off

the narrator says she *remembered*, so that means the narrator is remembering all that stuff from the future... so like are we gonna catch up to the narrator's presence?

and the *next* paragraph is *another* flashback... unnecessarily confusing

for making a good first impression, i didnt have a good first impression. but the story itself was *sweet* and very cute.

what about something simple like "i remember the day my penis finally grew in, i was so nervous my best friend kira would hate it. i couldnt have been more wrong!"

i think that you should do more to show how exciting it is for her to have a penis, but also inconvenient

 

[StoneInky]

I agree with 7ydy. There was a lot of exposition text at the beginning of the chapter, which pulled me out. I would suggest something short, instead of something several paragraphs long. Except for that, I found everythiing good.

 

[Arilia]

Thank you so much for reading! I guess my original instincts were better. I took the exposition back out, and will try to find a ways to work in more excitement. Thanks! This is really helpful!