Feedback on my action sequence.

[YusakuRay]

Hi y'all I was hoping to ask for some advice and general tips on an action sequence I made in my story and if its easy to follow along.
Of course only if you have the time to read I'll leave the quote below so you wont have to look through the whole chapter for it.
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Heat. The only thing that can describe the air Kosei feels as he gets up off a ground made of stone. For he is no longer near the town. Instead what he sees is a large stone platform he's stands on and surrounding him are countless jail cells that start from the bottom reaching towards a thick red fog above him. What he hears is a cacophony of countless monster voice screaming in agony. Yes the very definition of this place in Kosei minds would describe it as Hell itself. He becomes unnerved but still headstrong he finds Cain standing across from him.





"Human. It was a pleasure to make your acquaintance, now lets hope you can entertain me before you perish within my prison." He chuckles as Kosei readies his sword thinking to himself.





W-wait isn't this impossible?! How can I win I barely know how to fight! This feels like a scripted loss in a video game... But you know what? I hate scripted deaths I'll change that with this fight. I'm sure I can pull some tricks I've learned. Kosei throws down his shield as it'll only encumber him and Cain unsheathes a one sided long-blade tinged with a green substance. Cain grows and spreads out the draconic wings while Kosei buries his sword in the ground once again.





"Crag-Blade!" he lifts his now mighty greatsword from the earth with ease as he realized he could imbue it with the same gravity magic he once levitated with. And with that the battle begins.





Cain takes initiative beating his wings barrels towards Kosei with excitement, intrigued with his weapon of choice as he makes an overhead swing at him. Kosei uses his sword to defend from the blow, Cain's strength through his light weapon is enough to overwhelm Kosei as he slices continuously chipping through the greatsword. Cain is powerful. Kosei reacts by using the earth to gain a foothold to hold him in place to stop him from being pushed back into a wall. When Kosei begins his move twisting his ankle moving the earth from his back to his front creating spikes forcing Cain to jump back surprised.





Earth.





Kosei readjusts already sweating from the pressure of Cain's attacks thinking. Ugh all I can do is defend if he attacks that fast. In that case I should try something different. Kosei uses wind to surround his body to lighten his weight.





Kosei starts approaching as both bring up their swords preparing to clash they hit once. A loud bang then again, and again, continuously as Cain starts to notice the human's gotten faster he appears to be copying his movements as well watching his shoulders and elbows he's impressed. However Cain ends the clash slicing his cheek as Kosei suddenly recoils plunging his heated sword into the ground on one knee he covers his cheek screaming in agony. Kosei's heart pounds thinking. Why does it hurt so much?! Fuck!





Cain chuckles. "Hahaha... humans are so very fragile. It's a shame I have to put your talents to waste... Don't worry the poison will soon take you. Even the smallest cut is the most deadly from my blade." He casts a wicked grin over Kosei widely.





"Wait... it's not over yet." Kosei uses magic to pull the poison out of his body with air as he writhes in pain. while Cain thinks.





This human... "How dare you deny your fate of death to me human! This battle is over when I say It's over!" Cain yells as he swings his sword over Kosei with all his might. But Kosei refuses, as he creates a gust of wind propelling himself backwards, as Cain's blade finds no purchase slicing the ground. He loses his composure. Wind too?! Damn this human.





As Kosei stands back up, fortifying his blade with earth again. They both rush each other yelling Kosei uses the earth on his blade to cover itself with more spikes when Cain outmaneuvers him a clean cut through Kosei neck as he waits in silence for Kosei's head to fall. But when he turns around he sees him still standing then suddenly Kosei's body dissipates into a mist. Water too?! But he seemed like his abilities were akin to only earth and wind?! Where did he go-





Kosei lets out a visceral yell as he plunges his spiked greatsword into Cain's back with a devastating blow. Catching him by surprise as the platform shakes from the impact. Kosei unburies his bloodied greatsword from Cain's back. "B-but how? Impossible!?" Cain still alive grunts when Kosei answers.





"It's simple I predicted you were going to outmaneuver me, so I split myself a mist copy, sliding in front of the copy molding myself through the earth in a arc back around. And wound up my swing before coming out of the earth. And that's how you lost." Kosei replies drenched in sweat as he calms down.





"N-No not that!" He growls as he starts to get back up. But Kosei swiftly tries to go in for another attack to make sure he stays down. However Cain regenerated enough to where he's able to move out of the way.





"Very well then... I acknowledge your strength then human. You are indeed worthy... for me to feast upon!" Before Kosei can even blink, Cain throws a barrage of daggers slicing his skin. Before Kosei can block with his greatsword as he becomes instantly paralyzed.





No! I-I can't move!





Cain chuckles. "Don't you know human, poison can take on many forms. burning from the inside, paralysis, and even hallucinations." Cain activates these in sequence overlapping each other as Kosei feels them all while Cain approaches and he forms a hallucination in Kosei's mind that shows him Cain mimicking Anne's appearance to him. He laughs manically as Kosei watches feeling his veins burn in pain but he cannot react.





In Anne's voice Cain says. "Now I shall devour you, and I will enjoy my meal while your mind runs with agony. I need a fine meal before I set off to the meeting."

My Eternal Afterlife - 17 – Tugging heartstrings, Scripted Defeat? | Scribble Hub

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in case you want context.

 

[fluffypie374]

So, you say ground made of stone. But then you say again, stone platform. Is that two different place or same description?

...headstrong. He finds Cain... Well, there are grammar mistakes in dialogue and throughout. This is just one, not a biggy if you proofread yourself.

Kosei got a sword... from where? Maybe that is part of rest of story, so no context here, it's fine...

Cain swings sword over him... so does he even need to dodge since it was swung over him??? Or is that just me reading it wrong?

Moving earth from back to front... uhh... maybe it's just me, or I didn't understand how that creates spikes. Is this earthbending?

He seemed like his abilities earth and wind, or water? Or do you just mean illusion?

Does he catch Cain by surprise and plunge sword into him, or plunge sword into him, and uh... catch him surprise because of the force or power or something?

 

[YusakuRay]

So, you say ground made of stone. But then you say again, stone platform. Is that two different place or same description?

...headstrong. He finds Cain... Well, there are grammar mistakes in dialogue and throughout. This is just one, not a biggy if you proofread yourself.

Kosei got a sword... from where? Maybe that is part of rest of story, so no context here, it's fine...

Cain swings sword over him... so does he even need to dodge since it was swung over him??? Or is that just me reading it wrong?

Moving earth from back to front... uhh... maybe it's just me, or I didn't understand how that creates spikes. Is this earthbending?

He seemed like his abilities earth and wind, or water? Or do you just mean illusion?

Does he catch Cain by surprise and plunge sword into him, or plunge sword into him, and uh... catch him surprise because of the force or power or something?

Yeah its a sort of earthbending/dnd like people in this world can use magic to mold earth into whatever shape they like so my MC chose to make his normal longsword into a greatsword using the earth of the stone platform.

Cain swong over him so Kosei blocked his attack using his greatsword as a shield holding it in front of him.

also yeah he moves his foothold he made towards Cain using the mold earth/earthbend into spikes in front

He plunges his greatsword into cains back catching him by surprised since he was briefly distracted looking at the mist.

Thanks for the response btw! I'll edit it for more clarity.

edit: If you meant the second time he swung over him for the kill MC used wind to push himself back to dodge the blow.

 

[melchi]

Heat. The only thing that can describe the air Kosei feels as he gets up off a ground made of stone. For he is no longer near the town. Instead what he sees is a large stone platform he's stands on and surrounding him are countless jail cells that start from the bottom reaching towards a thick red fog above him. What he hears is a cacophony of countless monster voice screaming in agony. Yes the very definition of this place in Kosei minds would describe it as Hell itself. He becomes unnerved but still headstrong he finds Cain standing across from him.

1.) The first words of a paragraph pop the most. They also tell who the actor in the paragraph is. If this is a Kosei paragraph, it takes 10 words to get to defining that. I think it can be done better. Also, extra words muddle things, being precise makes it pop more.

EX: Heat. Kosei feels the heat and rises from the stone ground.

2.) Using a mid-sentence as for things other than comparison is not good prose. It muddles the mental image (Yes, it is really common but I don't like it.)

Shocked to no longer be in town, he discovers he's standing on a large stone platform surrounded by jail cells that ascend into a impenetrable red fog above him.

3.) Try to avoid passive voice here. "What he hears is...." when 'is' is the verb that is passive. "He hears..." is better.

4.) "Kosei's minds" does kosei have more than one mind?

5.) "He finds Cain standing across from him" This could prob be compressed, and might be out of order, would it make more sense to have Cain standing beside him be noticeable before looking around the rest of the place? Not huge, but being put at the end of the paragraph like that makes it almost invisible.

 

[RiaCorvidiva]

3.) Try to avoid passive voice here. "What he hears is...." when 'is' is the verb that is passive. "He hears..." is better.

Even better would be to simply describe the sights and sounds without filtering it through a 'he hears'. "The sky turned blood red and the air filled with the cacophony of screaming demons." sounds way more visceral than "He sees a blood-red sky and hears the cacophony of screaming demons."

 

[YusakuRay]

1.) The first words of a paragraph pop the most. They also tell who the actor in the paragraph is. If this is a Kosei paragraph, it takes 10 words to get to defining that. I think it can be done better. Also, extra words muddle things, being precise makes it pop more.

EX: Heat. Kosei feels the heat and rises from the stone ground.

2.) Using a mid-sentence as for things other than comparison is not good prose. It muddles the mental image (Yes, it is really common but I don't like it.)

Shocked to no longer be in town, he discovers he's standing on a large stone platform surrounded by jail cells that ascend into a impenetrable red fog above him.

3.) Try to avoid passive voice here. "What he hears is...." when 'is' is the verb that is passive. "He hears..." is better.

4.) "Kosei's minds" does kosei have more than one mind?

5.) "He finds Cain standing across from him" This could prob be compressed, and might be out of order, would it make more sense to have Cain standing beside him be noticeable before looking around the rest of the place? Not huge, but being put at the end of the paragraph like that makes it almost invisible.

Even better would be to simply describe the sights and sounds without filtering it through a 'he hears'. "The sky turned blood red and the air filled with the cacophony of screaming demons." sounds way more visceral than "He sees a blood-red sky and hears the cacophony of screaming demons."

Got it, I revised it and it fits better now I believe. Thank you so much for taking a look at it. I get so excited when writing these scenes my mind gets ahead of itself a lot of the time...