Feedback on my action block.

[c37]

I want to know if this particular block felt good or bad, i would appreciate if you can state your reasons.
The shadow in front of him lunged. Aegis crouched and shielded himself, Growls resounded above him for a moment. They ended with a slash, the shadow in front of him flopped onto the ground, as the fiend beside him also fell. The growls around were replaced by dead silence. A faint wheeze reached his ears, it did not belong to an Eldari.

Aegis got up slowly and looked around, It was unlike anything he had witnessed till now. The four fiends now laid dead on the stone pavement. The fiend who wanted him now had a hole in his throat, the shadow in front of him laid down as the broken shaft of his spear pierced his chest. The rest of the bandits’ throats was slit. The silence surrounded, unlike the arena.

There were no screams, no limbs scattered, no sand soaked in blood. The dead fiends did not scream like the champions in the arena. Instead, the glow in their eyes and mouth died down.

Behind him stood an Eldari, both his hands were too clean, but the bodies around him told a different story.

In a blink of an eye he killed four fiends. Four fiends? Aegis’s jaw dropped. The stranger sheathed his weapons and turned toward Aegis, he knelt. His hands checked Aegis’s body, his eyes examined each and every part. The stranger’s thumb brushed his cheek, it was not his. Only after confirming Aegis was unharmed a warm breath escaped his nose.

 

[Makimaam]

 

[MFontana]

I want to know if this particular block felt good or bad, i would appreciate if you can state your reasons.
The shadow in front of him lunged. Aegis crouched and shielded himself, Growls resounded above him for a moment. They ended with a slash, the shadow in front of him flopped onto the ground, as the fiend beside him also fell. The growls around were replaced by dead silence. A faint wheeze reached his ears, it did not belong to an Eldari.

Aegis got up slowly and looked around, It was unlike anything he had witnessed till now. The four fiends now laid dead on the stone pavement. The fiend who wanted him now had a hole in his throat, the shadow in front of him laid down as the broken shaft of his spear pierced his chest. The rest of the bandits’ throats was slit. The silence surrounded, unlike the arena.

There were no screams, no limbs scattered, no sand soaked in blood. The dead fiends did not scream like the champions in the arena. Instead, the glow in their eyes and mouth died down.

Behind him stood an Eldari, both his hands were too clean, but the bodies around him told a different story.

In a blink of an eye he killed four fiends. Four fiends? Aegis’s jaw dropped. The stranger sheathed his weapons and turned toward Aegis, he knelt. His hands checked Aegis’s body, his eyes examined each and every part. The stranger’s thumb brushed his cheek, it was not his. Only after confirming Aegis was unharmed a warm breath escaped his nose.

Okay, depending on what style you're writing for, and your target audience, my advice should be taken with a grain of salt. [My preferences, and thus my style, tend toward weighty classical literature and dense prose, which are admittedly different from some other target audiences' preferences].
To me, this is very tell-heavy. You're just telling what is happening, like a checklist of beats.
I'd personally call it more like draft notes, than a full narrative scene. Again, that's me. For you, and your target audience, this may be just fine.

It's punchy, sure, but it's just bare-bones.
There isn't enough there to really create a sense of tension and dread.
It also assumes the reader knows what an "Eldari" is, and what one looks like.
If you've already defined that for your readers in earlier portions, that's fine. Otherwise, you may want to present more vivid detail here.

You've got a clear vision, and it shows through nicely.

As for advice, I'd suggest to put some more meat on those bones. Flesh things out with more descriptive detail. Let the scene breathe. Let each beat linger as it needs to in order to create the atmosphere you're aiming for.
Present it through the eyes of your protagonist, or "PoV lens". What does the character see, hear, feel, taste, smell? Use all the senses as needed.

As for stuff to consider:
What kinds of weapons were being used?
Who was using them?
What are the relative positions during the sequence?

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

I played with your scene a bit; not sure whether the fiends and the bandits were supposed to be the same thing. I don't like the champion's dialogue at all, but I left it in because it might make sense in your story. Also, I assumed you meant crouching behind a shield, not just raising an arm.




Growls from above were the only warning Aegis had before the shadow in front of him lunged towards him. He reflexively crouched beneath his shield, blocking the fiend's strike. Unexpectedly, the shadow collapsed at his feet, the fiend's neck sliced cleanly through.

He paused, listening for other attackers, but aside from a faint wheezing sound, it was silent. He stood slowly and looked around at the aftermath of the attack. The four fiends who had wanted him dead were now corpses cooling on the pavement. The bandits that were just alive a few moments ago all had their throats slit, dead alongside the fiends. It was a scene unlike anything he had witnessed until now.

The silence was the most disturbing part; the fiends did not scream, no severed limbs, no blood pooling over the ground. They did not bellow like champions in an arena; instead, they remained silent in their deaths, the fading glow in their eyes and mouths the only indication that they were indeed dead.

Behind him stood an Eldari, whose hands were clean, too clean considering the chaos that had just happened. However, the bodies around him told a much different story. In the blink of an eye, he had killed all four fiends.

Four. Fiends.

Aegis’s jaw dropped as that fact sank in.

The stranger sheathed his weapons and then turned towards him and knelt. His hands checked over Aegis’s body, examining every part. Only after confirming he was unharmed did a warm breath escape the stranger's nose.

 

[c37]

My bad i should've mentioned that it is from a different character's pov that didn't see what happened.

Okay, depending on what style you're writing for, and your target audience, my advice should be taken with a grain of salt. [My preferences, and thus my style, tend toward weighty classical literature and dense prose, which are admittedly different from some other target audiences' preferences].
To me, this is very tell-heavy. You're just telling what is happening, like a checklist of beats.
I'd personally call it more like draft notes, than a full narrative scene. Again, that's me. For you, and your target audience, this may be just fine.

It's punchy, sure, but it's just bare-bones.
There isn't enough there to really create a sense of tension and dread.
It also assumes the reader knows what an "Eldari" is, and what one looks like.
If you've already defined that for your readers in earlier portions, that's fine. Otherwise, you may want to present more vivid detail here.

You've got a clear vision, and it shows through nicely.

As for advice, I'd suggest to put some more meat on those bones. Flesh things out with more descriptive detail. Let the scene breathe. Let each beat linger as it needs to in order to create the atmosphere you're aiming for.
Present it through the eyes of your protagonist, or "PoV lens". What does the character see, hear, feel, taste, smell? Use all the senses as needed.

As for stuff to consider:
What kinds of weapons were being used?
Who was using them?
What are the relative positions during the sequence?

It was at the tail end of a chapter(5) and terms like eldari, fiends were explained in the prior chapters. As for weapons and stuff i mentioned it above this action block where they circled MCs while taunting them.

I played with your scene a bit; not sure whether the fiends and the bandits were supposed to be the same thing. I don't like the champion's dialogue at all, but I left it in because it might make sense in your story. Also, I assumed you meant crouching behind a shield, not just raising an arm.




Growls from above were the only warning Aegis had before the shadow in front of him lunged towards him. He reflexively crouched beneath his shield, blocking the fiend's strike. Unexpectedly, the shadow collapsed at his feet, the fiend's neck sliced cleanly through.

He paused, listening for other attackers, but aside from a faint wheezing sound, it was silent. He stood slowly and looked around at the aftermath of the attack. The four fiends who had wanted him dead were now corpses cooling on the pavement. The bandits that were just alive a few moments ago all had their throats slit, dead alongside the fiends. It was a scene unlike anything he had witnessed until now.

The silence was the most disturbing part; the fiends did not scream, no severed limbs, no blood pooling over the ground. They did not bellow like champions in an arena; instead, they remained silent in their deaths, the fading glow in their eyes and mouths the only indication that they were indeed dead.

Behind him stood an Eldari, whose hands were clean, too clean considering the chaos that had just happened. However, the bodies around him told a much different story. In the blink of an eye, he had killed all four fiends.

Four. Fiends.

Aegis’s jaw dropped as that fact sank in.

The stranger sheathed his weapons and then turned towards him and knelt. His hands checked over Aegis’s body, examining every part. Only after confirming he was unharmed did a warm breath escape the stranger's nose.

Dialogues? But there is no dialogue in this block right?

 

[Juia_Darkcrest]

My bad i should've mentioned that it is from a different character's pov that didn't see what happened.

It was at the tail end of a chapter(5) and terms like eldari, fiends were explained in the prior chapters. As for weapons and stuff i mentioned it above this action block where they circled MCs while taunting them.

Dialogues? But there is no dialogue in this block right?

Wrong word, I was referring to this line.

There were no screams, no limbs scattered, no sand soaked in blood. The dead fiends did not scream like the champions in the arena.

I just whipped that up when contemplating how I was starting my next chapter. I didn't want to use scream twice in a row; it sounds awkward, IMO


Honestly, I had a hard time following the action within your scene. I had to read it a few times to get a sense of what was actually going on; the Eldari being a murderhobo. On top of that, your grammar needs work. You have commas where periods should be, random capitalization, and sentences that are not adding to the scene.

I would suggest downloading Grammarly. You don't need to take all of its advice, but it will help you flesh out your sentences by calling attention to areas you need to work on.

Don't sweat it too much, though. You got this.

 

[babywrath]

I want to know if this particular block felt good or bad, i would appreciate if you can state your reasons.
The shadow in front of him lunged. Aegis crouched and shielded himself, Growls resounded above him for a moment. They ended with a slash, the shadow in front of him flopped onto the ground, as the fiend beside him also fell. The growls around were replaced by dead silence. A faint wheeze reached his ears, it did not belong to an Eldari.

Aegis got up slowly and looked around, It was unlike anything he had witnessed till now. The four fiends now laid dead on the stone pavement. The fiend who wanted him now had a hole in his throat, the shadow in front of him laid down as the broken shaft of his spear pierced his chest. The rest of the bandits’ throats was slit. The silence surrounded, unlike the arena.

There were no screams, no limbs scattered, no sand soaked in blood. The dead fiends did not scream like the champions in the arena. Instead, the glow in their eyes and mouth died down.

Behind him stood an Eldari, both his hands were too clean, but the bodies around him told a different story.

In a blink of an eye he killed four fiends. Four fiends? Aegis’s jaw dropped. The stranger sheathed his weapons and turned toward Aegis, he knelt. His hands checked Aegis’s body, his eyes examined each and every part. The stranger’s thumb brushed his cheek, it was not his. Only after confirming Aegis was unharmed a warm breath escaped his nose.

• Who is “him” in the first sentence? I can only assume Aegis, but the fact that I had to ask means you should lead with the character’s name before using pronouns.
• “Growls” is capitalized. Is that a pet’s name? Please understand I am basing this off a snippet and don’t have the previous setting in mind.
• Who or what is “They”? Growls? Him? Or both? I’m guessing the engagement, but I’m not sure.
  • I reread it after finishing and can now make a new assumption that "They" is Eldari.
• There was a fiend beside him? Is that Growls? Oh, okay, so Growls is a sound indicating a second or more enemies. Got it.
• How OP are these fiends, and how unused to combat is Aegis that four fiends is something he had never seen until now? I don’t know.
• "wanted him"? That’s kind of kinky. So a shadow isn’t a fiend because it didn’t already lie dead with the rest of the four?
• There were bandits? The silence surrounded what? I’m confused.
• The four fiends came back to life and slowly died again? This is an inconsistent timeline since a previous declaration was already made. You can’t just recap on the spot like that because it breaks immersion when an image is drawn and then asked to be redrawn in a reader’s mind, in my opinion.
• The Eldari only killed four fiends? What about the shadow? What about the bandits?
• “his eyes examined each and every part.” Kinky.
• “The stranger’s thumb brushed his cheek.” It’s getting hotter.
• “it was not his.” Whose was what then?

Overall, I am either stupid, or your block is all over the place without a single coherent point of reference. The flow doesn’t respect the timeline because it goes back to things that have already been mentioned. The image in my mind is murky at best, forcing me to ignore the inconsistent details. All I can essentially glean is that Aegis is a damsel in distress and the Eldari saved him from four fiends, while the rest of the details were tossed out. Very BL vibes as well, given the interactions and how much admiration there is for this Eldari.

My rating would be 4/10.
It is not something I would personally tolerate and I would likely end up dropping it if I remained this consistently confused while reading the rest of the story. You’re also lacking quite a bit of detail that would fill in the blank spaces of a reader’s mind. And you're missing a bit of an emotional perspective from Aegis, which I think is necessary for your weak character at this point in time. Something simple like “he was shocked to discover,” “horrified to witness,” or “froze in fear” would have been more than enough to set the tone at the beginning. As for the things I didn’t mention, there’s nothing wrong with them; it’s your prose, after all.

Hope this helps.
*flies away*

 

[c37]

• Who is “him” in the first sentence? I can only assume Aegis, but the fact that I had to ask means you should lead with the character’s name before using pronouns.
• “Growls” is capitalized. Is that a pet’s name? Please understand I am basing this off a snippet and don’t have the previous setting in mind.
• Who or what is “They”? Growls? Him? Or both? I’m guessing the engagement, but I’m not sure.
  • I reread it after finishing and can now make a new assumption that "They" is Eldari.
• There was a fiend beside him? Is that Growls? Oh, okay, so Growls is a sound indicating a second or more enemies. Got it.
• How OP are these fiends, and how unused to combat is Aegis that four fiends is something he had never seen until now? I don’t know.
• "wanted him"? That’s kind of kinky. So a shadow isn’t a fiend because it didn’t already lie dead with the rest of the four?
• There were bandits? The silence surrounded what? I’m confused.
• The four fiends came back to life and slowly died again? This is an inconsistent timeline since a previous declaration was already made. You can’t just recap on the spot like that because it breaks immersion when an image is drawn and then asked to be redrawn in a reader’s mind, in my opinion.
• The Eldari only killed four fiends? What about the shadow? What about the bandits?
• “his eyes examined each and every part.” Kinky.
• “The stranger’s thumb brushed his cheek.” It’s getting hotter.
• “it was not his.” Whose was what then?

Overall, I am either stupid, or your block is all over the place without a single coherent point of reference. The flow doesn’t respect the timeline because it goes back to things that have already been mentioned. The image in my mind is murky at best, forcing me to ignore the inconsistent details. All I can essentially glean is that Aegis is a damsel in distress and the Eldari saved him from four fiends, while the rest of the details were tossed out. Very BL vibes as well, given the interactions and how much admiration there is for this Eldari.

My rating would be 4/10.
It is not something I would personally tolerate and I would likely end up dropping it if I remained this consistently confused while reading the rest of the story. You’re also lacking quite a bit of detail that would fill in the blank spaces of a reader’s mind. And you're missing a bit of an emotional perspective from Aegis, which I think is necessary for your weak character at this point in time. Something simple like “he was shocked to discover,” “horrified to witness,” or “froze in fear” would have been more than enough to set the tone at the beginning. As for the things I didn’t mention, there’s nothing wrong with them; it’s your prose, after all.

Hope this helps.
*flies away*

Aegis is just a boy; meanwhile, the stranger is old enough to be his father. It is not a BL.

• Who is “him” in the first sentence? I can only assume Aegis, but the fact that I had to ask means you should lead with the character’s name before using pronouns.
• “Growls” is capitalized. Is that a pet’s name? Please understand I am basing this off a snippet and don’t have the previous setting in mind.
• Who or what is “They”? Growls? Him? Or both? I’m guessing the engagement, but I’m not sure.
  • I reread it after finishing and can now make a new assumption that "They" is Eldari.
• There was a fiend beside him? Is that Growls? Oh, okay, so Growls is a sound indicating a second or more enemies. Got it.
• How OP are these fiends, and how unused to combat is Aegis that four fiends is something he had never seen until now? I don’t know.
• "wanted him"? That’s kind of kinky. So a shadow isn’t a fiend because it didn’t already lie dead with the rest of the four?
• There were bandits? The silence surrounded what? I’m confused.
• The four fiends came back to life and slowly died again? This is an inconsistent timeline since a previous declaration was already made. You can’t just recap on the spot like that because it breaks immersion when an image is drawn and then asked to be redrawn in a reader’s mind, in my opinion.
• The Eldari only killed four fiends? What about the shadow? What about the bandits?
• “his eyes examined each and every part.” Kinky.
• “The stranger’s thumb brushed his cheek.” It’s getting hotter.
• “it was not his.” Whose was what then?

Overall, I am either stupid, or your block is all over the place without a single coherent point of reference. The flow doesn’t respect the timeline because it goes back to things that have already been mentioned. The image in my mind is murky at best, forcing me to ignore the inconsistent details. All I can essentially glean is that Aegis is a damsel in distress and the Eldari saved him from four fiends, while the rest of the details were tossed out. Very BL vibes as well, given the interactions and how much admiration there is for this Eldari.

My rating would be 4/10.
It is not something I would personally tolerate and I would likely end up dropping it if I remained this consistently confused while reading the rest of the story. You’re also lacking quite a bit of detail that would fill in the blank spaces of a reader’s mind. And you're missing a bit of an emotional perspective from Aegis, which I think is necessary for your weak character at this point in time. Something simple like “he was shocked to discover,” “horrified to witness,” or “froze in fear” would have been more than enough to set the tone at the beginning. As for the things I didn’t mention, there’s nothing wrong with them; it’s your prose, after all.

Hope this helps.
*flies away*

The shadow in front of him lunged. Aegis dropped, raising his arms over his head. Growls crashed over his head. They ended with a slash. The shadow in front of him flopped onto the ground, as the fiend beside him also fell. The growls around him stopped, and the silence swallowed them. A faint wheeze reached his ears; it did not belong to an Eldari.

Aegis rose slowly, and his gaze swept the stone road around. The four fiends that surrounded them now lay on the stone pavement. The fiend who wanted him now had a hole in his throat, and the shadow that lunged at him lay pinned by its own broken spear. The rest of the bandits’ throats were slit. The silence surrounded, unlike the arena.

There were no screams, no limbs scattered, no sand soaked in blood. Instead, the glow in their eyes and mouth died down.

Behind him stood an Eldari, and both his hands were too clean for the chaos, but the bodies around him told a different story.

Four fiends? Moments ago, they laughed.

The stranger sheathed his weapons and turned toward Aegis. He knelt. His hands checked Aegis’s body, his eyes examined each part. The stranger’s thumb brushed blood off his cheek; it was not his. Only after confirming Aegis was unharmed, his shoulder lowered with an exhale.
revised version.

 

[Daeron]

The shadow in front of him lunged. Aegis dropped, raising his arms over his head. Growls crashed over his head. They ended with a slash. The shadow in front of him flopped onto the ground, as the fiend beside him also fell. The growls around him stopped, and the silence swallowed them. A faint wheeze reached his ears; it did not belong to an Eldari.

Aegis rose slowly, and his gaze swept the stone road around. The four fiends that surrounded them now lay on the stone pavement. The fiend who wanted him now had a hole in his throat, and the shadow that lunged at him lay pinned by its own broken spear. The rest of the bandits’ throats were slit. The silence surrounded, unlike the arena.

There were no screams, no limbs scattered, no sand soaked in blood. Instead, the glow in their eyes and mouth died down.

Behind him stood an Eldari, and both his hands were too clean for the chaos, but the bodies around him told a different story.

Four fiends? Moments ago, they laughed.

The stranger sheathed his weapons and turned toward Aegis. He knelt. His hands checked Aegis’s body, his eyes examined each part. The stranger’s thumb brushed blood off his cheek; it was not his. Only after confirming Aegis was unharmed, his shoulder lowered with an exhale.
revised version.

Mmm, this is what i understand about the scene :

---

The shadow lunged toward Aegis, a cold prickle of dread crawling under his skin. He collapsed into a tight crouch, burying his head beneath his arms and squeezing his eyes shut as a guttural snarl vibrated through the air directly above him.

Slash!!! Thud!

Aegis slowly opened his eyes; the suffocating presence of the fiends was gone. He raised his head, his gaze darting across the ground. The four creatures that had surrounded him now lay still on the pavement, while the rest of the bandits were sprawled nearby with slit throats.
A deafening quiet swallowed the area.

When he looked back, Aegis found an Eldari looming over him, the haft of a spear grasped firmly in his fist.

Did he do this alone? Aegis stared, his breath catching in a mix of terror and awe.

The tall warrior dropped to one knee. His sharp features were locked in a tense grimace as his eyes rapidly cataloged Aegis’s limbs, searching for wounds. Only when he was certain the boy was whole did the Eldari’s shoulders drop, releasing a ragged, heavy breath.

---

This is just my opinion, but i think it will be easier to understand, if you write it like that.

 

[c37]

Mmm, this is what i understand about the scene :

---

The shadow lunged toward Aegis, a cold prickle of dread crawling under his skin. He collapsed into a tight crouch, burying his head beneath his arms and squeezing his eyes shut as a guttural snarl vibrated through the air directly above him.

Slash!!! Thud!

Aegis slowly opened his eyes; the suffocating presence of the fiends was gone. He raised his head, his gaze darting across the ground. The four creatures that had surrounded him now lay still on the pavement, while the rest of the bandits were sprawled nearby with slit throats.
A deafening quiet swallowed the area.

When he looked back, Aegis found an Eldari looming over him, the haft of a spear grasped firmly in his fist.

Did he do this alone? Aegis stared, his breath catching in a mix of terror and awe.

The tall warrior dropped to one knee. His sharp features were locked in a tense grimace as his eyes rapidly cataloged Aegis’s limbs, searching for wounds. Only when he was certain the boy was whole did the Eldari’s shoulders drop, releasing a ragged, heavy breath.

---

This is just my opinion, but i think it will be easier to understand, if you write it like that.

True, this is easier to understand.

 

[babywrath]

Aegis is just a boy; meanwhile, the stranger is old enough to be his father. It is not a BL.

I know that, but it kind of reads like it, given what was on there. I’m just telling you the vibes I got from it. It’s your job as a writer to project the right tone, vibe, and imagery, since most of the time readers won’t tell you unless they comment. They’ll just carry that vibe with them in the memory of the scene you presented without ever giving you a chance to explain.

• Because of the period, “Growls” is only slightly less confusing now since it has to be capitalized. Still, it’s odd for Growls to “crash,” given that it’s a quiet sound compared to a roar or a bark.
• The incoherent point of view has straightened out since the dead things seem to have remained dead this time. Good job.
• The cheek rubbing is no longer BL because the focus is on the blood, which also wasn’t Aegis’s. Good job clarifying that.

New rating 6/10
It’s still pretty confusing, and it likely won’t win any awards, but it is now much more coherent, assuming it’s supported by the previous text. I would now very much continue reading this story without being bothered by the disorienting perspective. I might, however, complain about the images you’re putting in my head, but that’s a forgivable stylistic choice that I won’t press. Overall, well done.

Good luck with your writing.
*flies away*