Feedback on blurb?

[zephyrtrillian]

Dear Friends,

I have spent...literally ALL day...working on this blurb.

Thoughts?

?Zephyr

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When Lady Elise falls and strikes her head, Wisterly knows she'll be blamed.

Desperate and hunted, she flees—only to collide with Mhordredd, a charming Guild thief. He takes her in out of pity, then realizes her powers make her the perfect partner for a job. Their target: the legendary Box of Pathways, a divine Artifact of immense power.

The high-stakes heist goes sideways, leaving a nobleman dead. Mhordredd and Wisterly go into hiding, but it isn't long before the Guild decides to tie up loose ends. When Mhordredd is cornered by their best assassin, Wisterly risks her life by using the Box to save him.

Her heroic act helps them escape, but also awakens a long-lost god known as the Child—a capricious being who treats mortal lives as toys. Now Mhordredd and Wisterly are pawns in a cosmic game they don’t understand, and the only way to win is to do what no one else can.

They must steal what the Gods left behind.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Desperate and hunted, knowing she'll be blamed for her Lady's fall and injury, Wisterly flees—only to collide with Mhordredd, a charming Guild thief. He takes her in out of pity, then realizes she has powers making her the perfect partner for a job.

The following line is not needed but can stay - doesn't seem to help or harm the synopsis.

Their target: the legendary Box of Pathways, a divine Artifact of immense power.

When the high-stakes heist goes sideways leaving a nobleman dead. Mhordredd and Wisterly once more go into hiding, but the Guild decides to tie up loose ends. When Mhordredd is cornered by their best assassin, Wisterly risks her life by using the artifact they stole to save him.

This act helps them escape, but also awakens a long-lost capricious god known as the Child—a capricious being who treats mortals as playthings. Now Mhordredd and Wisterly are pawns in a cosmic game they don’t understand, and the only way to win is to do what no one else can.

They must steal what the Gods left behind.

 

[Humanistheart]

“When Lady Elise falls and strikes her head, Wisterly knows she'll be blamed.”

I’ll probably be in the minority here but I kind of feel I want a bit more as to why? Not sure how you could add without bogging it down though

 

[zephyrtrillian]

“When Lady Elise falls and strikes her head, Wisterly knows she'll be blamed.”

I’ll probably be in the minority here but I kind of feel I want a bit more as to why? Not sure how you could ass without bogging it down though

You're welcome to read chapter 1 and find out. ?

 

[zephyrtrillian]

Hmmm..

When her lady falls and strikes her head, Wisterly knows she'll be blamed.

Desperate and hunted, she runs—straight into the path of Mhordredd, a Guild thief with his own troubles. He needs her magic. She needs to disappear. Together, they might pull off a heist that could free them both: stealing the Box of Pathways, a divine Artifact of legendary power.

But some treasures are better left untouched. Now they're hunted by assassins—and worst of all, they've awakened an ancient god who treats mortal lives like toys. To survive, Wisterly and Mhordredd must undertake an impossible quest.

They must steal what the Gods left behind.

 

[wen1271934079]

"Hey, your story looks interesting! I'd love to swap reviews. Here is the link to my novel: Star Nexus: The Debtor | Scribble Hub