Feedback needed

[Arvi]

Hello, Arvi here! After spending too long in my own thoughts, I have finally taken a step out into the world to share my imagination through my perfectly imperfect writing. After much contemplation, I decided to write a fantasy, sci-fi story centered around Zelo, who was once a "Norm" in his previous life but inherits a legacy that sets him on a journey through a new and magical world.
I am not sure if my writing meets all the standards but I am committed to improving with every word. If you are a fan of sci-fi and fantasy-adventure. I’d be glad if you could give it a try!

PS: Your feedback would mean the world to me as I navigate this writing journey.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1245979/genetic-alchemy-the-endless-rise-of-the-norms/

 

[Tempokai]

Alright, I read the both chapters. It's good, I like where it is going worldbuilding, but it suffers hard due to rookie mistakes. Technical writing is good, and pacing is okay-ish.
Chapter 1 is blatant info dump sprinkled with cliches that aren't played with well. I don't like it. Pacing suffers from the info dump, while the worldbuilding suffers from cliche overload.
Sure, post apocalypse happened due to W vs. ME, special superhuman elite vs. oppressed “normals”, orphaned protagonist, mentor dies for hero's growth, and elixir that gives superpowers, CEO is a baddy are tropes that are played TOO STRAIGHT, which makes them cliche. I feel like reading generic "hero's journey" rather that unique fiction. Consider adding YOUR OWN twists to them. Maybe apocalypse happened due to story specific circumstance (for example, from my brain, it happened in trying to stop the superhumans), elite vs oppressed don't have that condescending relationship (elite aren't perfect and oppressed aren't THAT oppressed), orphaned MC isn't orphaned because maybe he had a family who was taken from him or a close-knit group of friends he lost in some unique, story-specific event and so on.

P.S. Scrub that OP powers sheet because it doesn't needs it, or at least hide it under the spoiler tag, because you'll explore those in the next chapters. Right?

Chapter 2 IS the real Chapter 1. It has all the action, all the stylistic choices, and the grittiness that I like in such worlds, brutal and unforgiving. That is how you write properly. Why you didn't do that at the Chapter 1 (it's more like Chapter 0 by this point)? All that info dump in previous chapter doesn't even matter for this chapter. I'd tweak a few things though. There's a lot of external action, but not enough internal one. Add a little bit of it, though. Add short flashback with Selery, so a reader could understand why MC is deeply connected with her. Add some reaction to CEO’s demise. Play up his shock and desperation because he's losing everything he wants to control.

There’s a solid framework here, but it needs refinement. Cut down the exposition, bring some originality to the tropes, and flesh out Zelo as a character. Focus on the action, emotional beats, and making the Homo Aeternus something other than a superhuman laundry list. With some strategic tweaks, this story could hit harder and leave a lasting impact. Keep what works (the action, the world-building potential, the gritty tone), and don’t be afraid to cut what doesn’t (info dumps, clichés, and overpowered abilities). You’ve got the bones; now let’s see you put some muscle on this story. If I saw it in the wild, I would skip it after reading the first chapter.

Also, refine the summary, it feels too cliche and ambigious, which will make the people turn away from reading it.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Chapter 2 IS the real Chapter 1. It has all the action, all the stylistic choices, and the grittiness that I like in such worlds, brutal and unforgiving. That is how you write properly. Why you didn't do that at the Chapter 1 (it's more like Chapter 0 by this point)? All that info dump in previous chapter doesn't even matter for this chapter. I'd tweak a few things though. There's a lot of external action, but not enough internal one. Add a little bit of it, though. Add short flashback with Selery, so a reader could understand why MC is deeply connected with her. Add some reaction to CEO’s demise. Play up his shock and desperation because he's losing everything he wants to control.

Ah - you put a finger on why I couldn't make it through Chapter 1 right there. It felt rushed to me, like "OH, I have to put this out NOW."

I think the current "first chapter" should be split into two or three small "chunks" - the first, expand the background a little, and either make it an "Introduction" rather than a Chapter, or make it a conversation between the MC and either the reader or someone else, maybe a child the MC is explaining the world to. If you go with the "discussion with another character" option, then you only need to split this into two sections, but if you don't, and just have the third person overview of the world, move that to the book summary, and start where it seems to be first person-ish as the first chapter.
As for the other part, move the power definitions to the Glossary tab.

 

[Arvi]

Alright, I read the both chapters. It's good, I like where it is going worldbuilding, but it suffers hard due to rookie mistakes. Technical writing is good, and pacing is okay-ish.
Chapter 1 is blatant info dump sprinkled with cliches that aren't played with well. I don't like it. Pacing suffers from the info dump, while the worldbuilding suffers from cliche overload.
Sure, post apocalypse happened due to W vs. ME, special superhuman elite vs. oppressed “normals”, orphaned protagonist, mentor dies for hero's growth, and elixir that gives superpowers, CEO is a baddy are tropes that are played TOO STRAIGHT, which makes them cliche. I feel like reading generic "hero's journey" rather that unique fiction. Consider adding YOUR OWN twists to them. Maybe apocalypse happened due to story specific circumstance (for example, from my brain, it happened in trying to stop the superhumans), elite vs oppressed don't have that condescending relationship (elite aren't perfect and oppressed aren't THAT oppressed), orphaned MC isn't orphaned because maybe he had a family who was taken from him or a close-knit group of friends he lost in some unique, story-specific event and so on.

P.S. Scrub that OP powers sheet because it doesn't needs it, or at least hide it under the spoiler tag, because you'll explore those in the next chapters. Right?

Chapter 2 IS the real Chapter 1. It has all the action, all the stylistic choices, and the grittiness that I like in such worlds, brutal and unforgiving. That is how you write properly. Why you didn't do that at the Chapter 1 (it's more like Chapter 0 by this point)? All that info dump in previous chapter doesn't even matter for this chapter. I'd tweak a few things though. There's a lot of external action, but not enough internal one. Add a little bit of it, though. Add short flashback with Selery, so a reader could understand why MC is deeply connected with her. Add some reaction to CEO’s demise. Play up his shock and desperation because he's losing everything he wants to control.

There’s a solid framework here, but it needs refinement. Cut down the exposition, bring some originality to the tropes, and flesh out Zelo as a character. Focus on the action, emotional beats, and making the Homo Aeternus something other than a superhuman laundry list. With some strategic tweaks, this story could hit harder and leave a lasting impact. Keep what works (the action, the world-building potential, the gritty tone), and don’t be afraid to cut what doesn’t (info dumps, clichés, and overpowered abilities). You’ve got the bones; now let’s see you put some muscle on this story. If I saw it in the wild, I would skip it after reading the first chapter.

Also, refine the summary, it feels too cliche and ambigious, which will make the people turn away from reading it.

Hey! Thanks a ton for the detailed feedback. I really appreciate it.
I see where you are coming from with Chapter 1. I did lean a lot on info dumping and relied too heavily on familiar tropes. I think I got caught up in setting up the world and ended up losing that organic flow. I will definitely try to rework it by showing the world's background more naturally.
For Chapter 2 - I’ll definitely make the internal emotions stronger too, especially with Selery and Zelo’s bond and clean up the summary too.
Thanks again for the review! Your input is super helpful.

Ah - you put a finger on why I couldn't make it through Chapter 1 right there. It felt rushed to me, like "OH, I have to put this out NOW."

I think the current "first chapter" should be split into two or three small "chunks" - the first, expand the background a little, and either make it an "Introduction" rather than a Chapter, or make it a conversation between the MC and either the reader or someone else, maybe a child the MC is explaining the world to. If you go with the "discussion with another character" option, then you only need to split this into two sections, but if you don't, and just have the third person overview of the world, move that to the book summary, and start where it seems to be first person-ish as the first chapter.
As for the other part, move the power definitions to the Glossary tab.

Thanks for the feedback. You're right about Chapter 1—it does feel a bit rushed, and I was trying to cram in a lot of world information all at once, I can see now backfired.

Originally, I was planning to reincarnate the character and give just enough information to jump into the main story quickly. But after reading your feedback, I realize it might work better to make Zelo’s past clearer and more organic. I’ll rethink how I can introduce the world-building more smoothly, possibly through character interactions, like you mentioned.

Anyway, thanks again.