Feedback needed for [synopsis] and [prologue]

RepresentingCaution

Level 37 ? ? Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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I'm going to tell you what I tell most people: Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.

As far as what is going to interest readers, that will vary a lot. Personally, I'm interested in the relationships between the characters. Does "partner" mean romantic partner in this case, or are we talking about a coworker type of relationship or something?
 

hime.quack

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I'm going to tell you what I tell most people: Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.

As far as what is going to interest readers, that will vary a lot. Personally, I'm interested in the relationships between the characters. Does "partner" mean romantic partner in this case, or are we talking about a coworker type of relationship or something?
Partners in cultivation, not romantically.
And thank you.

I really don't have anything to say about your writing, but smut isn't really my forte. All I can say is keep working on your title, it's great.
 
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OneRanter

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I am not sure if a synopsis that long will help you.

In here [ The confidant fixed his friend. ] I think you meant "corrected" instead of "fixed" but english is not my thing, so you may want to check that somewhere else.

I read your prologue, I didn't find anything else "incorrect" but then again I am not the reference you want for grammar. After that I copy-pasted it on grammarly and it pointed about 5 "mistakes". I'd take those with a grain of salt because a grammar corrector is still a machine (But they do help so you may want to try it. God knows I can't live without one T.T).

As for this:
I'm going to tell you what I tell most people: Try avoiding forms of the verb “to be” such as is, are, was, were, etc. This is known as passive language. Using more colorful verbs can greatly strengthen your writing.

I struggle a lot with all that with the "to be" and "passive language". I am trying(mostly unsuccessfully </3) to use this (https://writingmanual.pressbooks.com/) Because I like it and because it's free :,v Not sure if that one will help you.

About the romance and BL part of your story I'd rather stay away. I know zero about BL and even less about romance so you are on your own there u.u

I hope something in there is useful. I won't apologize if it sounds like a rant tho :v It would go against the char \(>o<)/

That said, I think you started very well and hope you go on. (I still won't read it cuz of the BL D:) But it is, prologue far, very easy to read.
 

Moonpearl

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Oh, this looks like a really interesting story~! However...

I feel like your synopsis reads quite flat. You technically have everything there to indicate a great story, but the delivery feels more like a disinterested attempt to describe a story concept rather than an author pitching their story to readers.
A blurb has to be exciting and/or build atmosphere to convince the reader that the novel will be fun to read.

I would suggest starting with the Huanlong Prince and the disappearance of the the amulet, as that provides a little bit of mystery and excitement to bring readers into the rest of your synopsis and also sets the stage for the characters you're talking about.
You could give it some more gravity, too. It's the big mystery of your story, but you sort of mention of it as an aside at the end, so it doesn't feel important here.

As for your character introductions in this part, I find them to be a little rushed and confusing. If Shen ZhaoChun is our main character, then he should be introduced on his own first and given a little bit of space so that the reader can get a feel for what sort of character he is.
Then it would make sense to introduce Guai Zuoren as your final mystery hook. Also, rather than saying he's "deity-like", it might be better to build a hint of that with some other description - maybe by hinting at his capabilities, or whatever else this is intended to mean?


And, in terms of the prologue... It feels a little unnecessary to me. Having a short and quick introduction to the disappearance as a mystery/legend would be nice, but gaining so much information about the missing man in one go ruins the sense of suspense.
I can't help but feel that what you're explaining in the prologue would be better off being revealed slowly over time in the main story, so the readers can also feel like they're starting to learn who the prince is as they go along.
 

hime.quack

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Oh, this looks like a really interesting story~! However...

I feel like your synopsis reads quite flat. You technically have everything there to indicate a great story, but the delivery feels more like a disinterested attempt to describe a story concept rather than an author pitching their story to readers.
A blurb has to be exciting and/or build atmosphere to convince the reader that the novel will be fun to read.

I would suggest starting with the Huanlong Prince and the disappearance of the the amulet, as that provides a little bit of mystery and excitement to bring readers into the rest of your synopsis and also sets the stage for the characters you're talking about.
You could give it some more gravity, too. It's the big mystery of your story, but you sort of mention of it as an aside at the end, so it doesn't feel important here.

As for your character introductions in this part, I find them to be a little rushed and confusing. If Shen ZhaoChun is our main character, then he should be introduced on his own first and given a little bit of space so that the reader can get a feel for what sort of character he is.
Then it would make sense to introduce Guai Zuoren as your final mystery hook. Also, rather than saying he's "deity-like", it might be better to build a hint of that with some other description - maybe by hinting at his capabilities, or whatever else this is intended to mean?


And, in terms of the prologue... It feels a little unnecessary to me. Having a short and quick introduction to the disappearance as a mystery/legend would be nice, but gaining so much information about the missing man in one go ruins the sense of suspense.
I can't help but feel that what you're explaining in the prologue would be better off being revealed slowly over time in the main story, so the readers can also feel like they're starting to learn who the prince is as they go along.
Thank you so much for the helpful feedback!
 
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