Feedback is needed? harsh critic is what I need now

[aoillies]

Hey, so I just started a new series with a really unique style of narration. It has very little dialogue, since most of the conversations happen through mental images. At first, it felt doable—like, Hey, I think I can pull this off! (It was totally on a whim)
But now it’s getting harder… like, how do I make the characters feel distinct? Usually, we rely on dialogue and expressions for that, but with the dialogue gone, I have to depend entirely on expression.
I’m three chapters in, and now I’m stuck ?
So guys, help me...This series please

 

[JayMark]

I read it. It's too smart for my dum-dum brain. I need to call in the big guns.

@Tempokai

 

[aoillies]

I read it. It's too smart for my dum-dum brain. I need to call in the big guns.

@Tempokai

I'm sorry? I am guilty publishing this story here...

 

[Tempokai]

Looked at the chapter 1 and it reeks too heavily of the butler. Cover image is not interesting, it's so generic I swear I saw DALL-E generating this as a basic of basics image, and it floods the latest releases list. Em dash used as a dramatic pause is cringe. Only the LLMs use it constantly, and your chapter 1 has that everywhere. Using the triple description of the thing is useful for rhetoric, but completely cringe in the storytelling. It's the favorite of LLM storytelling and those users who see the shiny thing that LLM had made and don't question that fact whatsoever. The overuse of metaphors is cringe, because of external/internal description violation. It merges those two together, and because metaphors only work when the either one dominates the context, it falls flat in the context, making it indecisive and disorienting. Short sentences work only when the description of those sentences are simple and doesn't require a lot of thinking. They're best used for "she walked to X" or "she opened her eyes", not for the "Then came the movement" or "And then nothing". These short sentences don't tell any context, they just happen, and it's cringe. Good short sentences don't operate on "then", they show the dumbest thing to move the plot further.

Given that it's LLM written and then you written on top of that, every pattern the LLM made is seen. If you really want to write with LLM, you need to know EVERYTHING that makes the story, well, a story. Thinking in systems is needed to make LLM story readable. LLM is just a shortcut, and that shortcut is a butler. He will give you what you want, a wine, but it's so laced with arsenic and lead that you'll lose your credibility if you don't filter it by knowing the system that is storytelling. Do better.

 

[aoillies]

Looked at the chapter 1 and it reeks too heavily of the butler. Cover image is not interesting, it's so generic I swear I saw DALL-E generating this as a basic of basics image, and it floods the latest releases list. Em dash used as a dramatic pause is cringe. Only the LLMs use it constantly, and your chapter 1 has that everywhere.

That's true tho, I used LLM heavily for editing and grammar checking the text and ended up like that, but I can swear that I wrote it... but then it 'suggest' me better wording then (I admit I use then alot) I kinda 'that's make sense'? and edit it. (leave out the cover please, I just generate it randomly and add the title, the cover really has no context at all only matching 'root and soil' there).

The overuse of metaphors is cringe, because of external/internal description violation. It merges those two together, and because metaphors only work when the either one dominates the context, it falls flat in the context, making it indecisive and disorienting. Short sentences work only when the description of those sentences are simple and doesn't require a lot of thinking. They're best used for "she walked to X" or "she opened her eyes", not for the "Then came the movement" or "And then nothing". These short sentences don't tell any context, they just happen, and it's cringe. Good short sentences don't operate on "then", they show the dumbest thing to move the plot further.

Yeah, I also think it is cringe, and the story that has no to little conversion make it worse since I need to imagine these mental images so couldn't help the overuse of methaphors. So thanks for telling it out, I need to work on it more. And about short sentences, I don't really think of when or how to use them. Well, I kinda just merge the sentences if they fit and split them if they don't?

Do better.

Sure, thanks anyway for the really harsh critic. I really appreciate it

 

[JayMark]

I put it through several free AI checkers and they all said 100 percent human.

But it does read like AI. But some people actually write like this too.

It also reads like highly academic postmodernist deconstruction literature that my professors force fed me and expected me to squeal with joy while finding the 'depth of meaning in the text' as it was going down. I had Modern Lit 400 ptsd flashbacks.

IMO, language designed to obsfucate and confuse defeats the purpose of language, which is clarifying and simplyfying a complicated world through code.

But saying that in ML 400 would have been a death sentence. Though my prof would eat this up, you'd have straight As forever.

 

[aoillies]

I put it through several free AI checkers and they all said 100 percent human.

But it does read like AI. But some people actually write like this too.

It also reads like highly academic postmodernist deconstruction literature that my professors force fed me and expected me to squeal with joy while finding the 'depth of meaning in the text' as it was going down. I had Modern Lit 400 ptsd flashbacks.

IMO, language designed to obsfucate and confuse defeats the purpose of language, which is clarifying and simplyfying a complicated world through code.

But saying that in ML 400 would have been a death sentence. Though my prof would eat this up, you'd have straight As forever.

You make it sounds worse?
The problem is... a world that is built based on no talk no sound has bigger impact since 'word' itself lose meaning there. They use images they know ...and symbolic images if no image could describe the intention. So to describe a train from someone's point of view who knew nothing about industrialization (in the first part of chap 1, in the dream), you know what happened...

 

[JayMark]

You make it sounds worse?
The problem is... a world that is built based on no talk no sound has bigger impact since 'word' itself lose meaning there. They use images they know ...and symbolic images if no image could describe the intention. So to describe a train from someone's point of view who knew nothing about industrialization (in the first part of chap 1, in the dream), you know what happened...

That clarifies things somewhat.

Still, you can write description and action of a people without words or sounds to make it understandable and even interesting to your audience. It doesn't need to be suffocated and buried under 5,000 miles of obscure metaphor. Simile and metaphor should be used to clarify and not obsfucate. Unless of course, the writing is academic.

If you got your mind wiped of everything you wrote and read it again, would you be able to understand what is happening? Would the average reader of your expected audience even be able to understand what is happening? If not, then you need to change something to make it more understandable.

You wrote this yourself, even admiting a bit of AI help, so you have the potential to write interesting and compelling narrative. You've proved you can use simile and metaphor, now tone it down. Cut the academic language.

Or you can continue as is, but then don't expect many readers unless you have connections with a university publisher.

Edit: Cat in PfP is adorable.

 

[Humanistheart]

I took a look. I didn't take away the no sound thing. It seemed like there was, I mean, there was a language used, which I thought you did a great job with. I had questions. I left a few in the comments. I want to understand more before leaving a review.

I experimented with a story of a city of living mannequins (it makes sense in universe) that couldn't speak, so signing, body language and fashion were their means of communication. Not the same, but a tiny similarity so thought I'd mention it.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.

Chapter 3.

You want harshness?
Write your own freaking novel instead of using AI. You don't have an ounce of originality by putting prompts in something and calling it a freaking "book" or "story".
You want more? AI garbage. over 60% garbage.
Whats more there is no tag saying it was.
Read the content guidelines.
Or let me provide you the information.

Prohibited Content​

The following guidelines list content that are not allowed. We reserve the right to remove any content we deem to be inappropriate.

• Pornographic stories - These are content that are basically porn without a plot. This is referring to the whole story, not a chapter or 50% of your story.
• Age of Consent - The age of consent is 18+. This is referring to the real age of the character. Any sexual content between characters must abide by this age of consent.
• Encouraging Non-Consensual Sexual Content - These are stories that are encouraging non-consensual sexual acts. Your story cannot be encouraging non-consensual sex acts.
• Illegal Sex Acts - These are content which encourages illegal sexual acts including but not limited to bestiality (real-world animals) or necrophilia.
• AI Generated Stories - Stories created mostly by AI will be rejected. You can use AI to help create your stories but most of the story should still be written by you.
• Non-English Stories - All stories should be written in English.

That means more than 50% by you. Which this isn't.
Stop trying to be a fraud.
You don't deserve an ounce of feedback from the good people here that actually work their butts off producing real content for people to read.
You should pull it down and start over.

 

[Humanistheart]

View attachment 39285
Chapter 1.

View attachment 39286
Chapter 2.

View attachment 39287
Chapter 3.

You want harshness?
Write your own freaking novel instead of using AI. You don't have an ounce of originality by putting prompts in something and calling it a freaking "book" or "story".
You want more? AI garbage. over 60% garbage.
Whats more there is no tag saying it was.
Read the content guidelines.
Or let me provide you the information.



That means more than 50% by you. Which this isn't.
Stop trying to be a fraud.
You don't deserve an ounce of feedback from the good people here that actually work their butts off producing real content for people to read.
You should pull it down and start over.

Hey so sorry to bother you , but can you tell me what ai software you used? I had the same idea but what scans suggested for me was 60 percent human so I chalked it up to using it only for editing. And Jay had similar results.

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Hey so sorry to bother you , but can you tell me what ai software you used? I had the same idea but what scans suggested for me was 60 percent human so I chalked it up to using it only for editing. And Jay had similar results.

I sent you a personal message.