Feedback from real people?? Pls? ?

[WhaleSprite]

I'd love to get some feedback on my story Lucky God System. I wanted to try writing a LITRPG with a system and put my own spin on the genre. I find the concept really interesting, but it’s often written poorly or filled with tropes I dislike.

It would just mean a lot to get feedback from someone who isn’t AI ?. I've tried asking friends and even my boyfriend, but it’s been about three weeks since I gave them the first chapters, and I still haven’t heard anything. They keep saying they forgot to read it. If I could get someone for feedback, thank you!

 

[PotatoWrites]

I tried reading your first 2 chapters and here is my comment and suggestions.

Note. I am not by any means perfect and this is my honest review.

Pros
-nice pacing for me which is good for a story.
-easy to understand conversation and story flow.

Cons
-for a litrpg, there should be a lot of numbers or skills etc. try checking other litrpg works where they tend to pour a lot of focus to numbers i.e. level, status, skill levels and more.
-try adding more emotions to your characters like what they feel, emotion, even describing colors or background let's your reader understand and imagine as they read.



P.s. I'm not saying I'm a better writer nor my skills in writing litrpg are better but if you are interested, try checking the new one I wrote as this is my first time writing here in scribblehub while I am writing stories on other sites like wattpad and ao3. This is also a litrpg story so if you are interested, just click Here to check it out. This is also litrpg by the way.

 

[WhaleSprite]

Well my

I tried reading your first 2 chapters and here is my comment and suggestions.

Note. I am not by any means perfect and this is my honest review.

Pros
-nice pacing for me which is good for a story.
-easy to understand conversation and story flow.

Cons
-for a litrpg, there should be a lot of numbers or skills etc. try checking other litrpg works where they tend to pour a lot of focus to numbers i.e. level, status, skill levels and more.
-try adding more emotions to your characters like what they feel, emotion, even describing colors or background let's your reader understand and imagine as they read.



P.s. I'm not saying I'm a better writer nor my skills in writing litrpg are better but if you are interested, try checking the new one I wrote as this is my first time writing here in scribblehub while I am writing stories on other sites like wattpad and ao3. This is also a litrpg story so if you are interested, just click Here to check it out. This is also litrpg by the way.

Well there isn't much as far as numbers for first or second chapter. My main character doesn't get his system until chapter 6. I'll try to work on descriptions and settings. I've been told in the past that my lack of descriptions and settings sometimes makes is hard to follow.

-try adding more emotions to your characters like what they feel, emotion, even describing colors or background let's your reader understand and imagine as they read.

Could you be a little more specific about what you mean by adding more emotions?

 

[PotatoWrites]

Well my

Well there isn't much as far as numbers for first or second chapter. My main character doesn't get his system until chapter 6. I'll try to work on descriptions and settings. I've been told in the past that my lack of descriptions and settings sometimes makes is hard to follow.

Could you be a little more specific about what you mean by adding more emotions?

in this regard some stories include more in depth writing in describing an event. for example when your mc is fighting instead of simply saying he throws a punch you can try saying he tried throwing a punch with all his strength. or when your mc is sitting on the rooftop at sunset you can say, as the orange hue shines above him, the feeling of solitude arises as he stares faraway. simple additions in words makes it more appealing to read. that is of course just an example.

for now try playing around with words and combining or replacing words with similar meaning like loneliness use solitude instead.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Only read the first chapter but have to say:
It does feel a little robotic - perhaps due to the influence of The Butler (i.e. AI), as it does well with the technical side of things, but does not HAVE feelings, so can't really get them across.
Feelings are messy, and make people do things like break grammar rules.
Also, as their twins, and you already mentioned that the boy is sixteen, it is a reasonable assumption that the girl is too (unless it's their birthday and they were born minutes apart, so he just turned 16 but she hasn't yet).
The breakfast scene shows you do know how to get some emotion across - the banter between the kids feels far less mechanical than it does in the police station, for example.

I'm not sure I'm much better, but you can look (or listen to, as it has over 40 chapters at PocketFM as Digital Cowboy Dane instead of the 12 here) at my attempt at a LitRPG (Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub) for example.

 

[WhaleSprite]

Only read the first chapter but have to say:
It does feel a little robotic - perhaps due to the influence of The Butler (i.e. AI), as it does well with the technical side of things, but does not HAVE feelings, so can't really get them across.
Feelings are messy, and make people do things like break grammar rules.
Also, as their twins, and you already mentioned that the boy is sixteen, it is a reasonable assumption that the girl is too (unless it's their birthday and they were born minutes apart, so he just turned 16 but she hasn't yet).
The breakfast scene shows you do know how to get some emotion across - the banter between the kids feels far less mechanical than it does in the police station, for example.

I'm not sure I'm much better, but you can look (or listen to, as it has over 40 chapters at PocketFM as Digital Cowboy Dane instead of the 12 here) at my attempt at a LitRPG (Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub) for example.

I see I'll have look into how I write them at the police station ?

yeah, AI helps me a lot with grammar and sentence structure. But it's not helpful when it comes emotional stuff. Which is why I'd really love more human feedback. But thank you!

I did some editing on my dialogue. I hope I fixed what you guys were talking about about. But to be honest I'm a little dumb ?

Well dumb might not be the right word. I'm pretty autistic. So I have a bit of trouble understanding what dialogue sounds unnatural because I speak pretty precisely in real life and sometimes have a hard time understanding subtle or hidden context.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Chapter 2 is repeated as Chapter 3 (the exact same text it looks like). The dialogue in Ch 2 is a lot better - flows more naturally, feels a bit more like kids and adults talking to each other - than in CH1.

 

[WhaleSprite]

Chapter 2 is repeated as Chapter 3 (the exact same text it looks like). The dialogue in Ch 2 is a lot better - flows more naturally, feels a bit more like kids and adults talking to each other - than in CH1.

Oh dang thanks for letting me know, I hadn't noticed I accidentally posted chapter 2 twice ? it should be fixed now. And also thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

 

[MindFudge]

So first...
I DON'T READ BOOKS...
So my opinion is very basic.
And I'll only read the first chapter because I dislike reading in general.

Secondly...
The first chapter was good. The speech is done perfectly, and the little twist was great. And the (comedy?) at the start was perfect.
So yea, I can't read any more, so I can't give better insight, aside from the grammar.

I'm not perfect, and each story is different, but I'll spill the beans anyway. The punctuation threw me off. That's not on you, so it's all good.

Apart from this:

Only read the first chapter but have to say:
It does feel a little robotic - perhaps due to the influence of The Butler (i.e. AI), as it does well with the technical side of things, but does not HAVE feelings, so can't really get them across.
Feelings are messy, and make people do things like break grammar rules.
Also, as their twins, and you already mentioned that the boy is sixteen, it is a reasonable assumption that the girl is too (unless it's their birthday and they were born minutes apart, so he just turned 16 but she hasn't yet).
The breakfast scene shows you do know how to get some emotion across - the banter between the kids feels far less mechanical than it does in the police station, for example.

I'm not sure I'm much better, but you can look (or listen to, as it has over 40 chapters at PocketFM as Digital Cowboy Dane instead of the 12 here) at my attempt at a LitRPG (Digital Cowboy | Scribble Hub) for example.

Now that you mention it, I did skim the station scene a bit.

 

[WhaleSprite]

So first...
I DON'T READ BOOKS...
So my opinion is very basic.
And I'll only read the first chapter because I dislike reading in general.

Secondly...
The first chapter was good. The speech is done perfectly, and the little twist was great. And the (comedy?) at the start was perfect.
So yea, I can't read any more, so I can't give better insight, aside from the grammar.

I'm not perfect, and each story is different, but I'll spill the beans anyway. The punctuation threw me off. That's not on you, so it's all good.

Apart from this:
View attachment 39501



Now that you mention it, I did skim the station scene a bit.

Aww well thank you for putting the time to read even though you dislike reading!

And haha fair. If I will be honest, writing the part about the station was my least favorite part to write in the chapter ?‍ so... I'm not really sure how to make that part better.

 

[MindFudge]

Aww well thank you for putting the time to read even though you dislike reading!

And haha fair. If I will be honest, writing the part about the station was my least favorite part to write in the chapter ?‍ so... I'm not really sure how to make that part better.

All good!

And with the station scene, you could add some sort of emotional responce that shows Elias' inner state. For example:

"He glanced down at the cup in his hands."
[Insert some feeling in his stomach or his hands slightly shaking]
Implying how he feels rather than stating.

But that is the style i'v adopted so take it with a pinch of salt. Do ur own thing.

But yea, its just one segment. I doubt anyone would care enough if the story is as good as it seems.

 

[WhaleSprite]

All good!

And with the station scene, you could add some sort of emotional responce that shows Elias' inner state. For example:

"He glanced down at the cup in his hands."
[Insert some feeling in his stomach or his hands slightly shaking]
Implying how he feels rather than stating.

But that is the style i'v adopted so take it with a pinch of salt. Do ur own thing.

But yea, its just one segment. I doubt anyone would care enough if the story is as good as it seems.

Well thank you!!