Feedback for my first story

[EdwinLovato]

I try to write my own story, the title will be "Battle Mage".
Please give me your feedback about this prologue I made, maybe about the story idea, or the grammar or perhaps the prose.

Before that, i'll drop my synopsis here.

For decades, the Continent of Orion has suffered through an endless civil war between two rival kingdoms. Driven by the nobles' greed for power and wealth, the conflict has sacrificed the lives of countless innocents.

Starvation. Plague. Death. Become the only certainties for the common people.

While the lowborn bleed, the highborn dance beneath the bright candles of their ballrooms. They drink wine until sunrise, playing at war as if it were a game of chess. They place bets on the battlefields simply to stroke their egos.

The people had to survive above the pool of bloods. They seek for the hopes under the fallacy of the Popes. Simply waiting for the light shine on their loops.

Some of them, sold their body for coin of gold. Or dirty their hand with contract of bloods. All of it, simply to survive while holding their rope of hopes.

But a few have chosen to raise their heads. They lift their weapons to fight against the tyranny.

And from those few, one shines the brightest. A battle mage.

And here's the Prologue.

Spoiler: Prologue

"Look what we've done, Kai."

"What? Everything looks fine." He flashed a confident grin. "You think too much, Sab."

Sabrina exhaled a heavy breath before glancing at him. "This is the last time, Kai. If you keep burning everything to the ground, our efforts will be in vain."

Kai crouched, running a finger through the soot-stained dirt. "No effort is in vain, Sab. It’s better this way, trust me."

They both stared at the ruined mansion, flames dancing high against the moonlight. The sharp crackle of consuming wood echoed across the empty yard.

"Let’s get out of here, then. Before the Baron’s hounds swarm the place." Sabrina traced a complex circle in the empty air. Her black hair whipped around her face as her grey eyes began to glow.

Fwosh.

A brilliant blue portal spiraled to life in front of them. The sudden backdraft tossed Kai’s grey hair, and he squinted against the harsh glare.

"Damn it, Sab! Stop spawning portals right in my face," he grunted.

"Let’s go. And don’t forget your sword this time." Sabrina stepped into the swirling light, ignoring his complaints.

"Oh, right! Almost forgot." Kai wrenched his blade free from the armored corpse at his feet. "See ya in the afterlife, Commander!" he called out with a mock salute before stepping through.

Zip.

The portal deposited them into an underground hideout—a cavernous basement draped with the banners of the Black Dragon. Heavy stone pillars were scattered across the floor like a petrified forest. As they walked down the central hall, dim light from magic orbs set into the stone illuminated their path.

At the far end of the hall sat a bald man draped in luxurious black garments. He watched them approach from behind a massive stone desk.

"Did you two finish the task?" His deep voice rolled through the cavern.

Reaching the desk, Sabrina pulled a rolled parchment from her pouch. "What do you think?" She tossed it onto the stone surface. "Take a good look."

The man unrolled it, his eyes darting across the ink. After a long moment, he looked up. "Very good." He reached beneath the desk, retrieved a heavy pouch of gold, and tossed it to Kai.

"Just this?" Kai weighed the pouch in his palm. "We even did you a favor and burned down the mansion, you know." He smirked, while Sabrina buried her face in her hand.

The man burst into a sudden, booming laugh. "You two are something else." He leaned back in his heavy chair. "Fine. I’ll throw in extra... no, I’ll give you triple the current reward." His smile widened.

Sabrina narrowed her eyes. "So what’s the catch?"

The man chuckled. "Do one more mission for us, and the gold is yours."

"What?! We just finished our mission! We even burned the place down! You should just give us the bonus directly, not another job!" Kai protested.

The man leaned forward, the amusement draining from his face. "Who asked you to burn down the mansion?" Kai froze. "The mission was to retrieve the parchment, not to raze the estate, Kai." The man’s smile returned, colder this time. "But, we appreciate your services so far, so we will overlook it. And we are generous enough to triple your reward—if you finish the next task."

Sabrina frowned. "Fine. Tell us."

Gregory reached into his jacket and tossed a wooden token toward her. "Your mission will be... this."

Sabrina caught it, her eyes immediately scanning the carved surface. "What is this?"

"Your target."

Kai leaned in to look. His eyes widened at the sight of an eagle sigil etched into the wood. "You want us to kill an assassin?"

"Janett Oriflame." Gregory's expression hardened into stone. "A battle mage."

Sabrina scoffed. "A battle mage? What kind of nonsense is that? They don’t exist."

Kai’s playful demeanor vanished. "Are you joking with us, Sir Gregory? We’re professionals."

"I know you are. That’s why I’m giving you this task." Gregory rested his chin on his steepled hands. "And our intel confirms it. It took years to gather this information after the dragon attack incident." He took a slow breath. "We have the name of the person who slew the beast. Our dragon. And the alchemists who autopsied the corpse found undeniable proof: she is a battle mage."

Sabrina and Kai tensed.

"And how exactly do we assassinate a dragon slayer?" Sabrina demanded. "You say you only have a name. What does she look like?"

Gregory stood, stepping out from behind the heavy desk and pacing toward them. "I thought you two were professionals? That’s your job to find her." He stopped, leaning in close. "We want that person dead. Before she reduces this whole kingdom to ash."

 

[Eldoria]

Well, in terms of storytelling, your narrative is quite solid. You apply the principle of "show it, don't tell it" quite well. This narrative is already quite good above average for a web novel, even reaching the level of a light novel ready for publication.

But if you want to make your narrative more solid, you might add other sensory details like smell, texture, taste, and psychological reactions to increase immersion if possible.

The man leaned forward, the amusement draining from his face. "Who asked you to burn down the mansion?" Kai froze. "The mission was to retrieve the parchment, not to raze the estate, Kai." The man’s smile returned, colder this time. "But, we appreciate your services so far, so we will overlook it. And we are generous enough to triple your reward—if you finish the next task."

Sabrina frowned. "Fine. Tell us."

Gregory reached into his jacket and tossed a wooden token toward her. "Your mission will be... this."

Also, your character introduction is a bit less neat. The third character (a bald man) is introduced by the narrative without being named in previous character dialogue. Even though his identity is already introduced through his actions.

This narrative would be more organic if the mention of the character's name occurred after the action and identity description, and the character's name should be introduced through organic dialogue between the characters. This would give the narrator a logical reason to use the character's name in the subsequent narrative. This is a minor complaint.

Okay, now I'm getting to the prologue content. As a prologue chapter, this narrative honestly... lacks a hook. The chapter concludes with a mission to hunt down a battle mage.

But I don't see anything interesting that would make me continue reading. From your synopsis, the war witch seems to be an important character (protagonist?) who opposes tyranny.

The problem is, readers don't feel connected enough to your character. Why should I care about the fate of the war mage?

I know you've already foreshadowed that the war mage is powerful and a threat to the kingdom. But I still don't feel emotionally attached to her or curious enough to get to know her.

You need to narrate foreshadowing related to her identity that is related to the reader such as a moral dilemma, for example, a villainess for tyranny, heroine for the oppressed people.

The point is, you need to make your readers care about your character.

Well, here's a little feedback from me.

Regards.