Feedback for a slow-updating fiction

[J_Win]

Ello, J. Win is back with more garbage. My story’s been updating slower than a sloth on melatonin, and at this rate, I might be outrun by my procrastinating friends. (This might actually hit me in the tuchus soon because the algorithm might not favor me because of my nonexistent upload sched. That and my ass writing.)

ANYWAY. If you’ve braved the 1 prologue, 3 chapters, and 2 interludes (bless your eyeballs), I’m BEGGING for feedbacks. Don’t feel obligated to read it all—if it’s hot garbage or just not for you—just yeet that tab into the void.



For maximum specificity, here’s what I’m dying to know:

> 1. From the crumbs I’ve tossed into this dumpster fire I call “fiction,” what do you think this story’s about?

> Is the pacing okay?

> 3. Based on these setup chapters, where do you think it’s headed? (I’m 90% sure it’s veering toward my “trash and reboot” folder.)

Lost Soul’s Escapades: Web Novel Release (REBOOT)

A continent stands divided as the Fehlerfreilant Empire drives an unforgiving war across Plathéa, spreading devastation and pushing Libérédóry and the United Kingdom of Téssera Éthni into an uneasy alliance. In the midst of the chaos is Shinku, at least that’s what he calls...

www.scribblehub.com

I forgor to paste the story link. That is so stupid. Classic J. Win move right there

 

[DismaiNaim]

Please forgive me, but I didn't make it halfway through the prologue.

You have a ton of redundant detail that feels like you're trying too hard. I'm getting purple prose, basically.

If you want to draw your reader in, you need them to ask questions. What happened? Why is it like this? Instead you answer these questions outright, and then keep re-describing the same scene. There's no conflict, there's nothing personal, nothing for the reader to latch onto.

 

[Author.eren]

Ello, J. Win is back with more garbage. My story’s been updating slower than a sloth on melatonin, and at this rate, I might be outrun by my procrastinating friends. (This might actually hit me in the tuchus soon because the algorithm might not favor me because of my nonexistent upload sched. That and my ass writing.)

ANYWAY. If you’ve braved the 1 prologue, 3 chapters, and 2 interludes (bless your eyeballs), I’m BEGGING for feedbacks. Don’t feel obligated to read it all—if it’s hot garbage or just not for you—just yeet that tab into the void.



For maximum specificity, here’s what I’m dying to know:

> 1. From the crumbs I’ve tossed into this dumpster fire I call “fiction,” what do you think this story’s about?

> Is the pacing okay?

> 3. Based on these setup chapters, where do you think it’s headed? (I’m 90% sure it’s veering toward my “trash and reboot” folder.)

Lost Soul’s Escapades: Web Novel Release (REBOOT)

A continent stands divided as the Fehlerfreilant Empire drives an unforgiving war across Plathéa, spreading devastation and pushing Libérédóry and the United Kingdom of Téssera Éthni into an uneasy alliance. In the midst of the chaos is Shinku, at least that’s what he calls...

www.scribblehub.com

View attachment 37368
I forgor to paste the story link. That is so stupid. Classic J. Win move right there

I am a new writer. I am writing The sovereign Ascendant. You might be feeling disappointed but keep going. I can't be your regular reader because of my busy schedule. But I will try.If wanna contact , here's my Instagram (theauthor.eren)

 

[J_Win]

Please forgive me, but I didn't make it halfway through the prologue.

You have a ton of redundant detail that feels like you're trying too hard. I'm getting purple prose, basically.

If you want to draw your reader in, you need them to ask questions. What happened? Why is it like this? Instead you answer these questions outright, and then keep re-describing the same scene. There's no conflict, there's nothing personal, nothing for the reader to latch onto.

Yeah, my bad for actually being super vague on the prologue. I should prolly shorten it too since it didn’t really present any conflict other than to set the mood

I tried to mimic the books I’ve read too much. It did bit me in the tuchus?

I'll keep it in mind, thanks for giving your time!

 

[StoneInky]

It's not a style of writing I'm familiar with, so don't take my review too seriously, lol. Your story is good. Lustitia, a name, isn't capitalized, and that irritates me. Please capitalize it. And now to answer your questions:

> 1. From the crumbs I’ve tossed into this dumpster fire I call “fiction,” what do you think this story’s about?

A very descriptive dark fiction with lots of war, blood, and mature themes. Suitable for adults. But the characters themselves are cringy, dramatic, and act pretty immaturely, which would appeal more for young boys and teens who are into that kinda thing. In the end, I dunno. As someone who's in neither of said categories, I just have mixed feelings about it.

> Is the pacing okay?

I skipped past most of Chapter 1. It sounded too much like a longer prologue than a first chapter. Where is the action? The protagonist? I found what I was looking for in the middle of the chapter, but at that point I was already tired of the draggy pacing. You should tighten it up.

> 3. Based on these setup chapters, where do you think it’s headed? (I’m 90% sure it’s veering toward my “trash and reboot” folder.)

I think it's heading towards this Shinku guy making all the NPCs stunned and sus over his majestic powers, while you also tell us long descriptions and info about the war. Which will likely result in the war and background feeling very serious and mature and realistic, but the characters feel like several middle schoolers with chunni. And I like none of them. Especially the NPCs. Basically, in the end, the story heads towards generic edgy.

Not trying to be mean, these are just my thoughts, lol. As I've said, I'm not the intended audience, so take em with lots of salt.
I hope you find lots of readers! :)

 

[TheIcMan]

Look. I like self deprecating humor as much as the next guy, but using it while asking for serious feedback is very confusing lmao