Feedback for A Little Daughter Character

[Eldoria]

Feedback for A Little Daughter Character​

Well, I rewrote one of my chapters with the first POV from a little girl's perspective. Here is the result:

Spoiler: Go Fishing with A Little Daugher

A Clear Sky in the Rose Valley…

POV: Caelan El Rose – Mommy’s Little Daughter

“Lala… la… lala—SSSTTT…”

I was singing by the riverside when the sound of splashing water interrupted my voice. I turned to the left.

Water flowed between the rocks. My face reflected on the noisy surface.

I crouched down and pulled a blade of grass from the red soil. Uh… it wouldn’t come out.

“Tesshh…”

Yay! It came off. I threw the grass onto the surface of the water. Mr. River… don’t disturb Caelan singing!

…

“Be careful, honey!”

A gentle voice called out to me. My right hand was pulled away from Mr. River.

I looked up. Mommy was smiling at me. Her silver hair sparkled like stars.

I puffed my cheeks. “Mommy… Mr. River is noisy! Caelan wants to sing…”

Mommy stroked my hair. “Honey…” A little mist came from Mommy’s mouth. “Caelan wants to eat grilled fish, right?”

I nodded. “Caelan wants grilled fish, Mom.”

I let go of Mommy’s hand and tugged at the hem of her rose-colored dress.

“Hurry, Mom! Caelan is hungry!” My lips felt a little wet.

Mommy covered her mouth with her right hand. I heard a small sound.

She lowered her hand. Her lips curved upward like a crescent moon.

“If Caelan wants grilled fish… Caelan should be nice to Mr. River.”

“Oh?” I held my chin. “Will Mr. River give Caelan grilled fish, Mom?”

“Yes.” Mommy’s blue eyes reflected my face. “So, Caelan must not throw trash into the river. Understand, honey?”

“Hmm… I understand, Mom.” I turned toward the noisy river. “Mr. River… I’m sorry. Caelan was upset. Caelan won’t throw grass into the river again.”

I looked up. Mommy smiled. “Caelan already apologized, Mom.”

Mommy lifted me into her arms. “Caelan really is Mommy’s daughter.”

My cheeks felt wet. Mommy kissed me. Hehe…

“Let’s continue our picnic journey, honey.”

“Yay! A picnic with Mommy!”

Mommy carried me as she walked along the riverside. She sang a song for me.

I leaned against Mommy’s chest. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. It felt warm. My vision blurred—

…

“Honey… wake up!”

A gentle voice called me. I slowly opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. I rubbed them.

Above Mommy’s hair… Mr. Sun was peeking through the leaves. Mommy stroked my face. Hehe…

“Caelan… it’s lunchtime.”

I sat up cross-legged. My mouth yawned.

“Lunch, Mom?! But—” My lips pouted. “Caelan wants grilled fish…”

Mommy took a sandwich from the wooden basket. “Eat first, honey!” Her right hand offered it to me. “Later… we’ll go fishing.”

I took Mommy’s sandwich. “Okay, Mom.” I chewed it. “Hmm… yummy.”

I looked up. Mommy’s lips moved slowly as she chewed her sandwich.

One bite. Two bites. Mommy’s cooking is the most delicious in the whole world. Hehe…

“Honey… your cheeks are messy.” Mommy wiped my cheeks with a white cloth.

“Thank you, Mom. Caelan loves Mommy.”

Mommy went silent for a moment. Her eyes looked a little wet. “Mom…”

“Mommy loves Caelan too.” Mommy hugged me and patted my back. Caelan likes being hugged by Mommy.

Mommy leaned me against her lap and gave me a glass of juice. “Drink, honey.”

“Hmm…” I sipped from the glass. “Caelan likes juice. Hehe…”

I drank it all. Mommy’s chin rested on top of my head as she hugged me from behind. Mommy really is the best in the whole world.

…

After lunch, Mommy tidied up the eating utensils and put them into the wooden basket. I wanted to help Mommy. But she told Caelan to sit on the mat first.

I sat leaning against the tree trunk. Mommy’s silver hair swayed as she knelt down to clean the bread crumbs. Mommy is so beautiful. Caelan wants to grow up as beautiful as Mommy. Hehe…

Mommy reached into the pocket of her dress. Wow… suddenly a red rose appeared. Mommy is amazing.

Mommy walked toward me, crouched down, and handed me the wooden basket. “Honey… sit here for a while. Guard this basket.” Mommy tied the rose to the top of the basket. “…and don’t remove the rose.”

“Okay, Mom. Caelan likes roses.”

Mommy stood in front of me. “Mommy will go get the fishing rods first, honey.” She stroked my head.

“Mmm… Caelan will wait for Mommy.”

“Good. Caelan really is a good girl.”

Mommy slowly walked away, leaving me. Mommy… don’t be gone too long, okay? Caelan doesn’t like being left alone for too long.

…

“Lalala… lala… la…”

I sang under the tree while hugging the wooden basket. A fragrant scent reached my nose.

This red rose smells so nice. I touched its petals. At home, Caelan also likes planting roses with Mommy.

I rested my chin on the basket. Mommy… come back quickly. Caelan misses you.

“Rustle… rustle…”

I turned around. The bushes suddenly made noise. Do the bushes also want to disturb Caelan like Mr. River?

I stood up while carrying the wooden basket. It felt heavy, but Caelan remembered Mommy said I had to guard it.

I stepped behind the tree. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I stood in front of Mr. Bushes.

But Mr. Bushes suddenly stopped making noise. I moved closer and parted the leaves. Then—

I tilted my head slightly. A gray dog was holding its head. Why is Mr. Dog hiding here?

Its red eyes glowed as it stared at me. Drool dripped onto the grass. Then it looked at my basket. Is Mr. Dog hungry?

I took a sandwich out of the basket and tried to offer it to Mr. Dog. But—

“Hrrsst… hrst–hiks…”

Mr. Dog growled and stepped back. Its fur trembled.

I stepped forward again. But Mr. Dog stepped back again. Mr. Dog… Caelan isn’t naughty, you know.

“Tap… tap…” I heard footsteps behind me. “Honey… what is Caelan doing?”

I turned around. Mommy stood in front of me. Her lips curved downward slightly. Her left hand tightly held two long fishing rods.

“Mommy… look! Mr. Dog wants to eat bread,” I pointed at Mr. Dog.

I puffed my cheeks. “But Mr. Dog is scared of Caelan.”

…

Suddenly Mommy lifted me into her arms. My face touched hers.

“Caelan, honey… Mommy said to stay under the tree, didn’t she?” Mommy sighed. “Why did Caelan leave?”

I lowered my head. “Sorry, Mom. Caelan forgot.”

Mommy pinched my cheek. It tickled. “Next time… listen to Mommy, okay?”

“Yes, Mom. But Caelan kept her promise too. Caelan brought the wooden basket.” I pointed at the basket on the grass.

“Caelan really is a smart child.”

...

I tugged at the hem of Mommy’s dress. “Mom… why is Mr. Dog scared of Caelan? Caelan isn’t a naughty child.”

Mommy smiled at me. “Caelan… is a good girl. Mommy will give Mr. Dog some food, honey.”

“Yay! Mommy really is the best.”

Mommy set me down on the grass. She took a piece of my bread and slipped a rose petal into the layer of it.

“Wait here, Caelan. Mommy will feed Mr. Dog.”

“Okay, Mom.”

Mommy stepped forward, approaching Mr. Dog. But Mr. Dog stepped back. The fur along his back trembled.

Mommy stopped walking. Her right hand clenched tightly. Suddenly, a fragrant scent filled the air. Mommy is amazing. Hehe…

Mr. Dog lowered himself onto the grass. Mommy placed the bread in front of him.

Mommy smiled. “Eat, Mr. Dog!” Her voice was very gentle.

Mr. Dog snorted. His mouth stayed shut, like when Caelan doesn’t want to eat vegetables.

“Eat!”

Mr. Dog opened his mouth and ate the bread. He then lay down on the grass. His eyes rolled around.

I held my chin. Is Mr. Dog dizzy?

Mommy returned and carried me in her arms. “Let’s go fishing, honey!”

“Yay!”

I rested on Mommy’s shoulder. Mr. Dog’s front legs twitched for a moment, then stopped.

“Mom… why did Mr. Dog dance and then go to sleep?”

“He was too happy after eating the bread… and fell asleep because he was full, honey.”

“Caelan is happy… Mr. Dog ate Caelan’s bread. Hehe…”

…

Mommy set me down on a rock. I stood up. Mr. River looked blue. The water wasn’t noisy anymore.

I pinched the back of Mommy’s dress. “Mommy… look! Now Mr. River is calm. Caelan can sing. Hehe…”

Mommy turned to me and smiled. “Wait a moment, honey. Mommy will prepare the fishing rod first.”

She stepped beside me and handed me a green fishing rod. “Take this one. Watch how Mommy fishes, okay?”

I accepted the rod. “Okay, Mom.”

Mommy held her rod, tied the hook to the line, then attached an earthworm to the hook.

“Now Mommy will start fishing, honey.” She cast the hook onto the water’s surface.

I tried to copy Mommy’s movement. I threw my hook toward Mr. River. But it hit a rock, spun in the air, and fell down.

I puffed my cheeks. “Mommy… Caelan’s hook didn’t reach Mr. River.”

Mommy helped me hold the rod. “Let Mommy help, honey.”

This time, I cast it again. The hook bounced off a lotus leaf, then fell into Mr. River.

“Yay! It worked… Mom.” I lifted my fishing rod into the air.

“Good. Caelan really is amazing.”

…

“Lalala… la… lala…”

I sat cross-legged on the rock beside Mommy. Mr. River looked calm. Mr. Frog swam on the surface of Mr. River, then climbed onto a lotus leaf.

“Kroc… kroc…”

Mr. Frog likes singing just like Caelan. Hehe…

Mommy adjusted my straw hat. I looked up. Mommy’s straw hat looks just like mine.

I waited for a fish to bite my bait. Mr. Frog swam back into Mr. River. But my bait still hadn’t been eaten.

“Mommy… why don’t the fish want to eat Caelan’s bait?”

Mommy pulled up her hook. A plump fish was caught.

“Be patient, honey. Listen to Mr. River. Feel the movement of the fishing line.”

I nodded and stared at Mr. River. “Hmm… the fish must be shy. Caelan will wait.”

“Tap… tap…”

My hook trembled. I was sure a fish had taken the bait. “Mommy! I got a fish!”

“Good, honey.” Mommy helped me hold the rod. “Let’s pull together!”

“Duash—!”

Water splashed up from Mr. River’s surface.

I looked up at the sky. A dark shadow flew in the air. Then—

A muddy brown boot bounced onto the rock in front of me. Mommy and I looked at each other.

“Ha... ha…”

Mommy and I laughed together. Mommy held her stomach.

I took a deep breath and pouted. Mr. River must be refusing to give Caelan a fish on purpose because he’s still mad at me, right?

Mommy patted my back. “Caelan can try again. Mommy will help Caelan until getting a fish.”

“Yay! Mommy is the best! Hehe…”

...

After trying and trying again, I finally managed to catch three plump fish. Mommy praised me every time I caught one.

I hugged Mommy. “Now Caelan can fish. Thank you, Mom.”

Mommy hugged me back. It felt very warm. “You’re welcome, honey.”

“Kruueegg…”

Suddenly, my stomach growled. It seemed like my tummy also wanted to eat grilled fish.

“Let’s end our fishing for today, honey.” Mommy tied together ten fish. “Now we’ll cook grilled fish.”

“Yay! Caelan loves grilled fish.”

Mommy turned her back to me. “The river rocks are slippery, honey. Climb onto Mommy’s back.”

“Okay, Mom.” I nodded and climbed onto her back.

Mommy is amazing! She hopped from rock to rock in the river. Her left hand supported my body.

Mommy carried me back under the tree and set me down on the red mat. “Wait here for a moment, honey. Mommy will get some firewood.”

I nodded. “Yes, Mom. Caelan won’t go anywhere again.”

“Good. Caelan really is a good girl.”

Mommy stepped behind the tree trunk and gathered brown twigs.

I tilted my head. Mr. Dog was still sleeping on the grass.

Mommy returned and lit a campfire in front of the red mat. Four fish were skewered and sprinkled with salt, then roasted over the fire.

A savory aroma reached my nose. Mommy kept turning the grilled fish one by one. My lips felt wet.

“Mommy… when will the grilled fish be ready?”

“Just a little longer, honey.”

The fish turned golden brown over the fire. Mommy took four skewers of grilled fish, placed them on a plate, and served them.

“Be careful of the bones, honey.” Mommy fed me the grilled fish.

I opened my mouth. “Hmm…”

I chewed the fish while holding my cheek.

“How does it taste, honey?”

“It’s really, really yummy, Mom.”

Mommy smiled. I kept being fed by Mommy. She also ate grilled fish with me. Mommy’s cheeks looked clean and pale.

Before I knew it, the four grilled fish had left only bones on the plate. I leaned against the tree trunk and held my stomach.

Mommy crouched down, tying up the remaining fish. She said those fish would be given to Grandma Dora.

I looked back. Mr. Dog was still sleeping.

“Mommy… Caelan forgot to give Mr. Dog some grilled fish.”

Mommy stopped tidying the utensils and looked at me.

“Hmm… don’t worry, honey. Mr. Dog prefers eating fish bones.”

Mommy stood up, carrying the wooden basket. “It’s time to go home, honey.”

“Okay, Mom.”

I stood up. Mommy folded the mat and put it into the wooden basket.

Mommy walked over to Mr. Dog. I followed her from behind.

Mommy placed four grilled fish bones and a rose stem on top of Mr. Dog’s head. Then she stepped forward and held my hand.

I glanced back for a moment. The rose stem seemed to tremble.

Mommy smiled. “What is it, honey?”

“Nothing, Mom.” I walked along beside her.

…

Mr. Sun peeked from the western hill. Orange light greeted the wild roses in the meadow. I was happy Mommy took me fishing today. I want to go fishing with Mommy again and again. Hehe…

My feet stepped on yellow grass. I looked to the left. A hole was visible in the red soil. Red eyes appeared. Long ears poked out from the hole. Then—

“Wuusshhh…”

I looked up. A misty wind rose from the western hill. Mommy’s straw hat swayed.

I looked left again. But Mr. Rabbit did not come out.

My skin felt cold. I tugged at the hem of Mommy’s rose-colored dress.

“Mommy… Caelan is cold—”

But Mommy stood still. Her face was hidden beneath her straw hat.

“Mommy?”

Mommy’s shoulders trembled slightly. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Mommy lifted me into her arms and suddenly kissed my cheek. “Mommy just remembered something. Let’s go home quickly.”

Mommy walked fast across the meadow. I wrapped my arms around her neck. My eyes slowly closed as I heard Mommy murmur:

“Black Mist…”

My questions are:

1. How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?
2. How is Caelan El Rose's character in this chapter?
3. How adorable do you think she (a little daughter) is (if you think so)?
4. Is there a gap in understanding between the little daughter protagonist and the narrative clues that make you as a reader see 'something is wrong'?
5. How is this combination of Young Mother x Little Daughter?
6. What if the concept of this chapter is made into a fiction itself as a side story or prequel?

Thank you for your attention.

Best regards.

 

[c37]

1. I feel like Caelan El Rose is around 5-9 years old, unless she is some weird immortal being that is trapped in eternal youth.
2. I like Caelan El Rose's character. If you intended to actually portray her as an innocent toddler, you succeeded.
3. She is adorable when she is thinking or talking, but it took a while before I got used to the narrative (first time reading something like this).
4. Yes, scenes with the dog and rabbit conveyed it.
5. It is good, but if this pov lasts long, people might get bored(purely my opinion)?
6. Perfect for a short side story, idk about the prequel.

 

[Eldoria]

1. I feel like Caelan El Rose is around 5-9 years old, unless she is some weird immortal being that is trapped in eternal youth.
2. I like Caelan El Rose's character. If you intended to actually portray her as an innocent toddler, you succeeded.
3. She is adorable when she is thinking or talking, but it took a while before I got used to the narrative (first time reading something like this).
4. Yes, scenes with the dog and rabbit conveyed it.
5. It is good, but if this pov lasts long, people might get bored(purely my opinion)?
6. Perfect for a short side story, idk about the prequel.

Thank for your feedback. Caelan is indeed a little girl (not a reincarnated immortal). I asked her age to gauge how accurately Caelan's mental state was based on the mental state of a child organically.

 

[c37]

Thank for your feedback. Caelan is indeed a little girl (not a reincarnated immortal). I asked her age to gauge how accurately Caelan's mental state was based on the mental state of a child organically.

What is her exact age? Because a few lines(very few) feel a little mechanical for her age(since the whole chapter is in her pov).

 

[Eldoria]

What is her exact age? Because a few lines(very few) feel a little mechanical for her age(since the whole chapter is in her pov).

Her actual age is a secret. But the age range you provided is correct.

 

[c37]

Her actual age is a secret. But the age range you provided is correct.

Well, if what I provided is correct

I was singing by the riverside when the sound of splashing water interrupted my voice. I turned to the left.

Long lines like these can be divided and shortened to give her a more childlike personality. Like--

I was singing by the river.
I turned left as I heard a splash.

Because 5-7 year old kids don't talk in long sentences.
This is purely my opinion; you can ignore it.

 

[Daeron]

Feedback for A Little Daughter Character​

Well, I rewrote one of my chapters with the first POV from a little girl's perspective. Here is the result:

Spoiler: Go Fishing with A Little Daugher

A Clear Sky in the Rose Valley…

POV: Caelan El Rose – Mommy’s Little Daughter

“Lala… la… lala—SSSTTT…”

I was singing by the riverside when the sound of splashing water interrupted my voice. I turned to the left.

Water flowed between the rocks. My face reflected on the noisy surface.

I crouched down and pulled a blade of grass from the red soil. Uh… it wouldn’t come out.

“Tesshh…”

Yay! It came off. I threw the grass onto the surface of the water. Mr. River… don’t disturb Caelan singing!

…

“Be careful, honey!”

A gentle voice called out to me. My right hand was pulled away from Mr. River.

I looked up. Mommy was smiling at me. Her silver hair sparkled like stars.

I puffed my cheeks. “Mommy… Mr. River is noisy! Caelan wants to sing…”

Mommy stroked my hair. “Honey…” A little mist came from Mommy’s mouth. “Caelan wants to eat grilled fish, right?”

I nodded. “Caelan wants grilled fish, Mom.”

I let go of Mommy’s hand and tugged at the hem of her rose-colored dress.

“Hurry, Mom! Caelan is hungry!” My lips felt a little wet.

Mommy covered her mouth with her right hand. I heard a small sound.

She lowered her hand. Her lips curved upward like a crescent moon.

“If Caelan wants grilled fish… Caelan should be nice to Mr. River.”

“Oh?” I held my chin. “Will Mr. River give Caelan grilled fish, Mom?”

“Yes.” Mommy’s blue eyes reflected my face. “So, Caelan must not throw trash into the river. Understand, honey?”

“Hmm… I understand, Mom.” I turned toward the noisy river. “Mr. River… I’m sorry. Caelan was upset. Caelan won’t throw grass into the river again.”

I looked up. Mommy smiled. “Caelan already apologized, Mom.”

Mommy lifted me into her arms. “Caelan really is Mommy’s daughter.”

My cheeks felt wet. Mommy kissed me. Hehe…

“Let’s continue our picnic journey, honey.”

“Yay! A picnic with Mommy!”

Mommy carried me as she walked along the riverside. She sang a song for me.

I leaned against Mommy’s chest. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. It felt warm. My vision blurred—

…

“Honey… wake up!”

A gentle voice called me. I slowly opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. I rubbed them.

Above Mommy’s hair… Mr. Sun was peeking through the leaves. Mommy stroked my face. Hehe…

“Caelan… it’s lunchtime.”

I sat up cross-legged. My mouth yawned.

“Lunch, Mom?! But—” My lips pouted. “Caelan wants grilled fish…”

Mommy took a sandwich from the wooden basket. “Eat first, honey!” Her right hand offered it to me. “Later… we’ll go fishing.”

I took Mommy’s sandwich. “Okay, Mom.” I chewed it. “Hmm… yummy.”

I looked up. Mommy’s lips moved slowly as she chewed her sandwich.

One bite. Two bites. Mommy’s cooking is the most delicious in the whole world. Hehe…

“Honey… your cheeks are messy.” Mommy wiped my cheeks with a white cloth.

“Thank you, Mom. Caelan loves Mommy.”

Mommy went silent for a moment. Her eyes looked a little wet. “Mom…”

“Mommy loves Caelan too.” Mommy hugged me and patted my back. Caelan likes being hugged by Mommy.

Mommy leaned me against her lap and gave me a glass of juice. “Drink, honey.”

“Hmm…” I sipped from the glass. “Caelan likes juice. Hehe…”

I drank it all. Mommy’s chin rested on top of my head as she hugged me from behind. Mommy really is the best in the whole world.

…

After lunch, Mommy tidied up the eating utensils and put them into the wooden basket. I wanted to help Mommy. But she told Caelan to sit on the mat first.

I sat leaning against the tree trunk. Mommy’s silver hair swayed as she knelt down to clean the bread crumbs. Mommy is so beautiful. Caelan wants to grow up as beautiful as Mommy. Hehe…

Mommy reached into the pocket of her dress. Wow… suddenly a red rose appeared. Mommy is amazing.

Mommy walked toward me, crouched down, and handed me the wooden basket. “Honey… sit here for a while. Guard this basket.” Mommy tied the rose to the top of the basket. “…and don’t remove the rose.”

“Okay, Mom. Caelan likes roses.”

Mommy stood in front of me. “Mommy will go get the fishing rods first, honey.” She stroked my head.

“Mmm… Caelan will wait for Mommy.”

“Good. Caelan really is a good girl.”

Mommy slowly walked away, leaving me. Mommy… don’t be gone too long, okay? Caelan doesn’t like being left alone for too long.

…

“Lalala… lala… la…”

I sang under the tree while hugging the wooden basket. A fragrant scent reached my nose.

This red rose smells so nice. I touched its petals. At home, Caelan also likes planting roses with Mommy.

I rested my chin on the basket. Mommy… come back quickly. Caelan misses you.

“Rustle… rustle…”

I turned around. The bushes suddenly made noise. Do the bushes also want to disturb Caelan like Mr. River?

I stood up while carrying the wooden basket. It felt heavy, but Caelan remembered Mommy said I had to guard it.

I stepped behind the tree. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I stood in front of Mr. Bushes.

But Mr. Bushes suddenly stopped making noise. I moved closer and parted the leaves. Then—

I tilted my head slightly. A gray dog was holding its head. Why is Mr. Dog hiding here?

Its red eyes glowed as it stared at me. Drool dripped onto the grass. Then it looked at my basket. Is Mr. Dog hungry?

I took a sandwich out of the basket and tried to offer it to Mr. Dog. But—

“Hrrsst… hrst–hiks…”

Mr. Dog growled and stepped back. Its fur trembled.

I stepped forward again. But Mr. Dog stepped back again. Mr. Dog… Caelan isn’t naughty, you know.

“Tap… tap…” I heard footsteps behind me. “Honey… what is Caelan doing?”

I turned around. Mommy stood in front of me. Her lips curved downward slightly. Her left hand tightly held two long fishing rods.

“Mommy… look! Mr. Dog wants to eat bread,” I pointed at Mr. Dog.

I puffed my cheeks. “But Mr. Dog is scared of Caelan.”

…

Suddenly Mommy lifted me into her arms. My face touched hers.

“Caelan, honey… Mommy said to stay under the tree, didn’t she?” Mommy sighed. “Why did Caelan leave?”

I lowered my head. “Sorry, Mom. Caelan forgot.”

Mommy pinched my cheek. It tickled. “Next time… listen to Mommy, okay?”

“Yes, Mom. But Caelan kept her promise too. Caelan brought the wooden basket.” I pointed at the basket on the grass.

“Caelan really is a smart child.”

...

I tugged at the hem of Mommy’s dress. “Mom… why is Mr. Dog scared of Caelan? Caelan isn’t a naughty child.”

Mommy smiled at me. “Caelan… is a good girl. Mommy will give Mr. Dog some food, honey.”

“Yay! Mommy really is the best.”

Mommy set me down on the grass. She took a piece of my bread and slipped a rose petal into the layer of it.

“Wait here, Caelan. Mommy will feed Mr. Dog.”

“Okay, Mom.”

Mommy stepped forward, approaching Mr. Dog. But Mr. Dog stepped back. The fur along his back trembled.

Mommy stopped walking. Her right hand clenched tightly. Suddenly, a fragrant scent filled the air. Mommy is amazing. Hehe…

Mr. Dog lowered himself onto the grass. Mommy placed the bread in front of him.

Mommy smiled. “Eat, Mr. Dog!” Her voice was very gentle.

Mr. Dog snorted. His mouth stayed shut, like when Caelan doesn’t want to eat vegetables.

“Eat!”

Mr. Dog opened his mouth and ate the bread. He then lay down on the grass. His eyes rolled around.

I held my chin. Is Mr. Dog dizzy?

Mommy returned and carried me in her arms. “Let’s go fishing, honey!”

“Yay!”

I rested on Mommy’s shoulder. Mr. Dog’s front legs twitched for a moment, then stopped.

“Mom… why did Mr. Dog dance and then go to sleep?”

“He was too happy after eating the bread… and fell asleep because he was full, honey.”

“Caelan is happy… Mr. Dog ate Caelan’s bread. Hehe…”

…

Mommy set me down on a rock. I stood up. Mr. River looked blue. The water wasn’t noisy anymore.

I pinched the back of Mommy’s dress. “Mommy… look! Now Mr. River is calm. Caelan can sing. Hehe…”

Mommy turned to me and smiled. “Wait a moment, honey. Mommy will prepare the fishing rod first.”

She stepped beside me and handed me a green fishing rod. “Take this one. Watch how Mommy fishes, okay?”

I accepted the rod. “Okay, Mom.”

Mommy held her rod, tied the hook to the line, then attached an earthworm to the hook.

“Now Mommy will start fishing, honey.” She cast the hook onto the water’s surface.

I tried to copy Mommy’s movement. I threw my hook toward Mr. River. But it hit a rock, spun in the air, and fell down.

I puffed my cheeks. “Mommy… Caelan’s hook didn’t reach Mr. River.”

Mommy helped me hold the rod. “Let Mommy help, honey.”

This time, I cast it again. The hook bounced off a lotus leaf, then fell into Mr. River.

“Yay! It worked… Mom.” I lifted my fishing rod into the air.

“Good. Caelan really is amazing.”

…

“Lalala… la… lala…”

I sat cross-legged on the rock beside Mommy. Mr. River looked calm. Mr. Frog swam on the surface of Mr. River, then climbed onto a lotus leaf.

“Kroc… kroc…”

Mr. Frog likes singing just like Caelan. Hehe…

Mommy adjusted my straw hat. I looked up. Mommy’s straw hat looks just like mine.

I waited for a fish to bite my bait. Mr. Frog swam back into Mr. River. But my bait still hadn’t been eaten.

“Mommy… why don’t the fish want to eat Caelan’s bait?”

Mommy pulled up her hook. A plump fish was caught.

“Be patient, honey. Listen to Mr. River. Feel the movement of the fishing line.”

I nodded and stared at Mr. River. “Hmm… the fish must be shy. Caelan will wait.”

“Tap… tap…”

My hook trembled. I was sure a fish had taken the bait. “Mommy! I got a fish!”

“Good, honey.” Mommy helped me hold the rod. “Let’s pull together!”

“Duash—!”

Water splashed up from Mr. River’s surface.

I looked up at the sky. A dark shadow flew in the air. Then—

A muddy brown boot bounced onto the rock in front of me. Mommy and I looked at each other.

“Ha... ha…”

Mommy and I laughed together. Mommy held her stomach.

I took a deep breath and pouted. Mr. River must be refusing to give Caelan a fish on purpose because he’s still mad at me, right?

Mommy patted my back. “Caelan can try again. Mommy will help Caelan until getting a fish.”

“Yay! Mommy is the best! Hehe…”

...

After trying and trying again, I finally managed to catch three plump fish. Mommy praised me every time I caught one.

I hugged Mommy. “Now Caelan can fish. Thank you, Mom.”

Mommy hugged me back. It felt very warm. “You’re welcome, honey.”

“Kruueegg…”

Suddenly, my stomach growled. It seemed like my tummy also wanted to eat grilled fish.

“Let’s end our fishing for today, honey.” Mommy tied together ten fish. “Now we’ll cook grilled fish.”

“Yay! Caelan loves grilled fish.”

Mommy turned her back to me. “The river rocks are slippery, honey. Climb onto Mommy’s back.”

“Okay, Mom.” I nodded and climbed onto her back.

Mommy is amazing! She hopped from rock to rock in the river. Her left hand supported my body.

Mommy carried me back under the tree and set me down on the red mat. “Wait here for a moment, honey. Mommy will get some firewood.”

I nodded. “Yes, Mom. Caelan won’t go anywhere again.”

“Good. Caelan really is a good girl.”

Mommy stepped behind the tree trunk and gathered brown twigs.

I tilted my head. Mr. Dog was still sleeping on the grass.

Mommy returned and lit a campfire in front of the red mat. Four fish were skewered and sprinkled with salt, then roasted over the fire.

A savory aroma reached my nose. Mommy kept turning the grilled fish one by one. My lips felt wet.

“Mommy… when will the grilled fish be ready?”

“Just a little longer, honey.”

The fish turned golden brown over the fire. Mommy took four skewers of grilled fish, placed them on a plate, and served them.

“Be careful of the bones, honey.” Mommy fed me the grilled fish.

I opened my mouth. “Hmm…”

I chewed the fish while holding my cheek.

“How does it taste, honey?”

“It’s really, really yummy, Mom.”

Mommy smiled. I kept being fed by Mommy. She also ate grilled fish with me. Mommy’s cheeks looked clean and pale.

Before I knew it, the four grilled fish had left only bones on the plate. I leaned against the tree trunk and held my stomach.

Mommy crouched down, tying up the remaining fish. She said those fish would be given to Grandma Dora.

I looked back. Mr. Dog was still sleeping.

“Mommy… Caelan forgot to give Mr. Dog some grilled fish.”

Mommy stopped tidying the utensils and looked at me.

“Hmm… don’t worry, honey. Mr. Dog prefers eating fish bones.”

Mommy stood up, carrying the wooden basket. “It’s time to go home, honey.”

“Okay, Mom.”

I stood up. Mommy folded the mat and put it into the wooden basket.

Mommy walked over to Mr. Dog. I followed her from behind.

Mommy placed four grilled fish bones and a rose stem on top of Mr. Dog’s head. Then she stepped forward and held my hand.

I glanced back for a moment. The rose stem seemed to tremble.

Mommy smiled. “What is it, honey?”

“Nothing, Mom.” I walked along beside her.

…

Mr. Sun peeked from the western hill. Orange light greeted the wild roses in the meadow. I was happy Mommy took me fishing today. I want to go fishing with Mommy again and again. Hehe…

My feet stepped on yellow grass. I looked to the left. A hole was visible in the red soil. Red eyes appeared. Long ears poked out from the hole. Then—

“Wuusshhh…”

I looked up. A misty wind rose from the western hill. Mommy’s straw hat swayed.

I looked left again. But Mr. Rabbit did not come out.

My skin felt cold. I tugged at the hem of Mommy’s rose-colored dress.

“Mommy… Caelan is cold—”

But Mommy stood still. Her face was hidden beneath her straw hat.

“Mommy?”

Mommy’s shoulders trembled slightly. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Mommy lifted me into her arms and suddenly kissed my cheek. “Mommy just remembered something. Let’s go home quickly.”

Mommy walked fast across the meadow. I wrapped my arms around her neck. My eyes slowly closed as I heard Mommy murmur:

“Black Mist…”

My questions are:

1. How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?
2. How is Caelan El Rose's character in this chapter?
3. How adorable do you think she (a little daughter) is (if you think so)?
4. Is there a gap in understanding between the little daughter protagonist and the narrative clues that make you as a reader see 'something is wrong'?
5. How is this combination of Young Mother x Little Daughter?
6. What if the concept of this chapter is made into a fiction itself as a side story or prequel?

Thank you for your attention.

Best regards.

Oh shit, what i understand about this, is it some kind of grimdark fantasy?

The way she describe the 'Mr.Dog' dancing after her mom feed him, feels... dark. Since the fact that her mom actually poisoned him right? Is it actually a wolf?

 

[L1aei]

Feedback for A Little Daughter Character​

My questions are:

How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?

I feel like she's around four or five years old... let's make her four and a half. Reason I say that is because of her being old enough now to venture out and do things on her own, while still being small enough to be carried and sleep in her mother's arms. But she also refers to herself in third person too, kind of like how a child would learn this speech from listening to her mother telling bedtime stories. You know, how a princess and knight or any character from a book would also refer to themselves in that way? Also, now that I think about it, that could explain why her reasoning skills are simple and, this I like, magical; the river gets offended while the bushes disturb her responsibilities, and she's naming them too. Like, her focus on Mr. Bush? She forgot one of her responsibilities because her intent drifted to the bush and then to Mr. Dog, and then hearing the dog growl, she assumed that was hunger. Kind of like how her tummy grumbles. Now, her vocabulary? That's the one thing that made me first think she might've been six, but her behavior and mannerism, plus size, dropped that number. I've a son, so the experience is where I am comparing the scenes with her in this chapter.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I am envisioning. So she is at least four, and at most six, but I'm gonna place her at four and a half; smart kid.

How is Caelan El Rose's character in this chapter?

This question is a bit ambiguous because I feel like I need to compare her with other children in this world to get a feel on what is the standard. But I will say she has a very strong attachment to her mother. Like, she sees her mother as the best person in the world and she even seeks constant physical contact for comfort. That's definitely trusting and affection in that kid. But she also has empathy. See how she responded almost correctly to everything around her? It's because she read how her mother spoke, felt bad when she offended the river, and knew that something to make the growling in the dog better was to offer food. So, yeah, she's innocent, but feels for others... even if the other is not sentient.

How adorable do you think she (a little daughter) is (if you think so)?

Oh, she's cute. Based on first impressions, I definitely would say that she's lived a sheltered life. And I would say she is very expressive, like when she wants to sing or her curiosity peaks and how she asks her mother questions. Very adorable.

Is there a gap in understanding between the little daughter protagonist and the narrative clues that make you as a reader see 'something is wrong'?

Which part? The obvious one is about the dog, but the subtle ones are about how frightened the dog was of the mother and then latter when the rose stem was placed on the dog's head. So, yeah, I'm gonna say the dog was poisoned or something, but that isn't the only thing that stuck out to me. The dog's reaction to the mother? The dog sensed something in the mother, maybe restrained power, but whatever it was terrified the dog. Then that rose stem? That felt almost ritualistic. I'm gonna ignore the fish bones because I've seen animals chew on those before, so that could be excused.

How is this combination of Young Mother x Little Daughter?

One word: affectionate. The both of them praise each other a lot. So, yeah, they have a deep attachment to each other, which is great. And the mother is protective of her daughter in more than one way; both safety and childish innocence are secured from the unsettling natures of the environment around them.

What if the concept of this chapter is made into a fiction itself as a side story or prequel?

An innocent child living and being unaware of the dangers of the world? Hell yes this would be a great prequel. You know, it could even be made into a memory too. Like having Caelen sleeping and waking up, remembering bits of the dream, but not being aware of what those fragmented memories meant until gradually piecing them together.

Thank you for your attention.

Best regards.

Sure thing!

 

[Eldoria]

Oh shit, what i understand about this, is it some kind of grimdark fantasy?

The way she describe the 'Mr.Dog' dancing after her mom feed him, feels... dark. Since the fact that her mom actually poisoned him right? Is it actually a wolf?

This is nobledark, or rather, grim's fairy tale. A dark fantasy seen from a child's perspective.

Spoiler: The dog is...

You guessed right. That dog isn't just a stray.

 

[Daeron]

This is nobledark, or rather, grim's fairy tale. A dark fantasy seen from a child's perspective.

Spoiler: The dog is...

You guessed right. That dog isn't just a stray.

Dang, that's great character's POV subtext. It's very clear and pointed out to the plot subtext. It would be great to see from her mother POV later thou!

 

[Makimaam]

For her age, the fact that she genders the river, the sun, the dog, and constantly repeats her name while not understanding death, suggests around 4–5.

But there are bits of observation that go beyond that age such as describing herself sitting crossed-legged, describing Mommy’s silver hair as swaying, and a well-articulated fragrant scent reached my nose, which reads like an older child, probably 7–8.

 

[Eldoria]

I feel like she's around four or five years old... let's make her four and a half. Reason I say that is because of her being old enough now to venture out and do things on her own, while still being small enough to be carried and sleep in her mother's arms. But she also refers to herself in third person too, kind of like how a child would learn this speech from listening to her mother telling bedtime stories. You know, how a princess and knight or any character from a book would also refer to themselves in that way? Also, now that I think about it, that could explain why her reasoning skills are simple and, this I like, magical; the river gets offended while the bushes disturb her responsibilities, and she's naming them too. Like, her focus on Mr. Bush? She forgot one of her responsibilities because her intent drifted to the bush and then to Mr. Dog, and then hearing the dog growl, she assumed that was hunger. Kind of like how her tummy grumbles. Now, her vocabulary? That's the one thing that made me first think she might've been six, but her behavior and mannerism, plus size, dropped that number. I've a son, so the experience is where I am comparing the scenes with her in this chapter.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that is what I am envisioning. So she is at least four, and at most six, but I'm gonna place her at four and a half; smart kid.



This question is a bit ambiguous because I feel like I need to compare her with other children in this world to get a feel on what is the standard. But I will say she has a very strong attachment to her mother. Like, she sees her mother as the best person in the world and she even seeks constant physical contact for comfort. That's definitely trusting and affection in that kid. But she also has empathy. See how she responded almost correctly to everything around her? It's because she read how her mother spoke, felt bad when she offended the river, and knew that something to make the growling in the dog better was to offer food. So, yeah, she's innocent, but feels for others... even if the other is not sentient.



Oh, she's cute. Based on first impressions, I definitely would say that she's lived a sheltered life. And I would say she is very expressive, like when she wants to sing or her curiosity peaks and how she asks her mother questions. Very adorable.



Which part? The obvious one is about the dog, but the subtle ones are about how frightened the dog was of the mother and then latter when the rose stem was placed on the dog's head. So, yeah, I'm gonna say the dog was poisoned or something, but that isn't the only thing that stuck out to me. The dog's reaction to the mother? The dog sensed something in the mother, maybe restrained power, but whatever it was terrified the dog. Then that rose stem? That felt almost ritualistic. I'm gonna ignore the fish bones because I've seen animals chew on those before, so that could be excused.



One word: affectionate. The both of them praise each other a lot. So, yeah, they have a deep attachment to each other, which is great. And the mother is protective of her daughter in more than one way; both safety and childish innocence are secured from the unsettling natures of the environment around them.



An innocent child living and being unaware of the dangers of the world? Hell yes this would be a great prequel. You know, it could even be made into a memory too. Like having Caelen sleeping and waking up, remembering bits of the dream, but not being aware of what those fragmented memories meant until gradually piecing them together.



Sure thing!

After reading your comprehensive feedback, I can say your answer is...

Spoiler: Wow...

95% accurate. The only 5% reduction is the age answer, which still has doubts even though it's already reached the actual age.

Thank you for this excellent feedback. It gives me the confidence to write this narrative further.

For her age, the fact that she genders the river, the sun, the dog, and constantly repeats her name while not understanding death, suggests around 4–5.

But there are bits of observation that go beyond that age such as describing herself sitting crossed-legged, describing Mommy’s silver hair as swaying, and a well-articulated fragrant scent reached my nose, which reads like an older child, probably 7–8.

Your answer is close to correct.

Actually, my main difficulty in writing this POV is the limitation of prose to suit children's language, as I mentioned in my post yesterday.

I also had doubts. A little girl of this age... is it possible to describe herself sitting cross-legged?!

But if I had limited myself to avoid the description of kinetic and spatial movements that are already 'simple'... how do I build a visualization of the scene for the readers?

It's difficult... the simpler prose... the more difficult it is for the narrative to provide a visualization of the scene to the readers.

Long lines like these can be divided and shortened to give her a more childlike personality. Like--

I was singing by the river.
I turned left as I heard a splash.

Because 5-7 year old kids don't talk in long sentences.
This is purely my opinion; you can ignore it.

Your point is actually quite accurate. Children do tend to speak in short sentences because their attention spans are short. But that's precisely the trickiest part.

Writing prose with short, simple sentences that still feel visual to the reader's perception... that's a difficult writing challenge.

The shorter the prose, the more abstract the visualization of the scene tends to be, and vice versa.

Moreover, children's vocabulary is also very limited, making it even more difficult to narrate from a child's POV.

Maintaining visual prose while also having an authentic childlike voice is an extreme writing balance.

 

[Rookieqw]

Feedback for A Little Daughter Character​

Well, I rewrote one of my chapters with the first POV from a little girl's perspective. Here is the result:

Spoiler: Go Fishing with A Little Daugher

A Clear Sky in the Rose Valley…

POV: Caelan El Rose – Mommy’s Little Daughter

“Lala… la… lala—SSSTTT…”

I was singing by the riverside when the sound of splashing water interrupted my voice. I turned to the left.

Water flowed between the rocks. My face reflected on the noisy surface.

I crouched down and pulled a blade of grass from the red soil. Uh… it wouldn’t come out.

“Tesshh…”

Yay! It came off. I threw the grass onto the surface of the water. Mr. River… don’t disturb Caelan singing!

…

“Be careful, honey!”

A gentle voice called out to me. My right hand was pulled away from Mr. River.

I looked up. Mommy was smiling at me. Her silver hair sparkled like stars.

I puffed my cheeks. “Mommy… Mr. River is noisy! Caelan wants to sing…”

Mommy stroked my hair. “Honey…” A little mist came from Mommy’s mouth. “Caelan wants to eat grilled fish, right?”

I nodded. “Caelan wants grilled fish, Mom.”

I let go of Mommy’s hand and tugged at the hem of her rose-colored dress.

“Hurry, Mom! Caelan is hungry!” My lips felt a little wet.

Mommy covered her mouth with her right hand. I heard a small sound.

She lowered her hand. Her lips curved upward like a crescent moon.

“If Caelan wants grilled fish… Caelan should be nice to Mr. River.”

“Oh?” I held my chin. “Will Mr. River give Caelan grilled fish, Mom?”

“Yes.” Mommy’s blue eyes reflected my face. “So, Caelan must not throw trash into the river. Understand, honey?”

“Hmm… I understand, Mom.” I turned toward the noisy river. “Mr. River… I’m sorry. Caelan was upset. Caelan won’t throw grass into the river again.”

I looked up. Mommy smiled. “Caelan already apologized, Mom.”

Mommy lifted me into her arms. “Caelan really is Mommy’s daughter.”

My cheeks felt wet. Mommy kissed me. Hehe…

“Let’s continue our picnic journey, honey.”

“Yay! A picnic with Mommy!”

Mommy carried me as she walked along the riverside. She sang a song for me.

I leaned against Mommy’s chest. I yawned and rubbed my eyes. It felt warm. My vision blurred—

…

“Honey… wake up!”

A gentle voice called me. I slowly opened my eyes. Everything was blurry. I rubbed them.

Above Mommy’s hair… Mr. Sun was peeking through the leaves. Mommy stroked my face. Hehe…

“Caelan… it’s lunchtime.”

I sat up cross-legged. My mouth yawned.

“Lunch, Mom?! But—” My lips pouted. “Caelan wants grilled fish…”

Mommy took a sandwich from the wooden basket. “Eat first, honey!” Her right hand offered it to me. “Later… we’ll go fishing.”

I took Mommy’s sandwich. “Okay, Mom.” I chewed it. “Hmm… yummy.”

I looked up. Mommy’s lips moved slowly as she chewed her sandwich.

One bite. Two bites. Mommy’s cooking is the most delicious in the whole world. Hehe…

“Honey… your cheeks are messy.” Mommy wiped my cheeks with a white cloth.

“Thank you, Mom. Caelan loves Mommy.”

Mommy went silent for a moment. Her eyes looked a little wet. “Mom…”

“Mommy loves Caelan too.” Mommy hugged me and patted my back. Caelan likes being hugged by Mommy.

Mommy leaned me against her lap and gave me a glass of juice. “Drink, honey.”

“Hmm…” I sipped from the glass. “Caelan likes juice. Hehe…”

I drank it all. Mommy’s chin rested on top of my head as she hugged me from behind. Mommy really is the best in the whole world.

…

After lunch, Mommy tidied up the eating utensils and put them into the wooden basket. I wanted to help Mommy. But she told Caelan to sit on the mat first.

I sat leaning against the tree trunk. Mommy’s silver hair swayed as she knelt down to clean the bread crumbs. Mommy is so beautiful. Caelan wants to grow up as beautiful as Mommy. Hehe…

Mommy reached into the pocket of her dress. Wow… suddenly a red rose appeared. Mommy is amazing.

Mommy walked toward me, crouched down, and handed me the wooden basket. “Honey… sit here for a while. Guard this basket.” Mommy tied the rose to the top of the basket. “…and don’t remove the rose.”

“Okay, Mom. Caelan likes roses.”

Mommy stood in front of me. “Mommy will go get the fishing rods first, honey.” She stroked my head.

“Mmm… Caelan will wait for Mommy.”

“Good. Caelan really is a good girl.”

Mommy slowly walked away, leaving me. Mommy… don’t be gone too long, okay? Caelan doesn’t like being left alone for too long.

…

“Lalala… lala… la…”

I sang under the tree while hugging the wooden basket. A fragrant scent reached my nose.

This red rose smells so nice. I touched its petals. At home, Caelan also likes planting roses with Mommy.

I rested my chin on the basket. Mommy… come back quickly. Caelan misses you.

“Rustle… rustle…”

I turned around. The bushes suddenly made noise. Do the bushes also want to disturb Caelan like Mr. River?

I stood up while carrying the wooden basket. It felt heavy, but Caelan remembered Mommy said I had to guard it.

I stepped behind the tree. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I stood in front of Mr. Bushes.

But Mr. Bushes suddenly stopped making noise. I moved closer and parted the leaves. Then—

I tilted my head slightly. A gray dog was holding its head. Why is Mr. Dog hiding here?

Its red eyes glowed as it stared at me. Drool dripped onto the grass. Then it looked at my basket. Is Mr. Dog hungry?

I took a sandwich out of the basket and tried to offer it to Mr. Dog. But—

“Hrrsst… hrst–hiks…”

Mr. Dog growled and stepped back. Its fur trembled.

I stepped forward again. But Mr. Dog stepped back again. Mr. Dog… Caelan isn’t naughty, you know.

“Tap… tap…” I heard footsteps behind me. “Honey… what is Caelan doing?”

I turned around. Mommy stood in front of me. Her lips curved downward slightly. Her left hand tightly held two long fishing rods.

“Mommy… look! Mr. Dog wants to eat bread,” I pointed at Mr. Dog.

I puffed my cheeks. “But Mr. Dog is scared of Caelan.”

…

Suddenly Mommy lifted me into her arms. My face touched hers.

“Caelan, honey… Mommy said to stay under the tree, didn’t she?” Mommy sighed. “Why did Caelan leave?”

I lowered my head. “Sorry, Mom. Caelan forgot.”

Mommy pinched my cheek. It tickled. “Next time… listen to Mommy, okay?”

“Yes, Mom. But Caelan kept her promise too. Caelan brought the wooden basket.” I pointed at the basket on the grass.

“Caelan really is a smart child.”

...

I tugged at the hem of Mommy’s dress. “Mom… why is Mr. Dog scared of Caelan? Caelan isn’t a naughty child.”

Mommy smiled at me. “Caelan… is a good girl. Mommy will give Mr. Dog some food, honey.”

“Yay! Mommy really is the best.”

Mommy set me down on the grass. She took a piece of my bread and slipped a rose petal into the layer of it.

“Wait here, Caelan. Mommy will feed Mr. Dog.”

“Okay, Mom.”

Mommy stepped forward, approaching Mr. Dog. But Mr. Dog stepped back. The fur along his back trembled.

Mommy stopped walking. Her right hand clenched tightly. Suddenly, a fragrant scent filled the air. Mommy is amazing. Hehe…

Mr. Dog lowered himself onto the grass. Mommy placed the bread in front of him.

Mommy smiled. “Eat, Mr. Dog!” Her voice was very gentle.

Mr. Dog snorted. His mouth stayed shut, like when Caelan doesn’t want to eat vegetables.

“Eat!”

Mr. Dog opened his mouth and ate the bread. He then lay down on the grass. His eyes rolled around.

I held my chin. Is Mr. Dog dizzy?

Mommy returned and carried me in her arms. “Let’s go fishing, honey!”

“Yay!”

I rested on Mommy’s shoulder. Mr. Dog’s front legs twitched for a moment, then stopped.

“Mom… why did Mr. Dog dance and then go to sleep?”

“He was too happy after eating the bread… and fell asleep because he was full, honey.”

“Caelan is happy… Mr. Dog ate Caelan’s bread. Hehe…”

…

Mommy set me down on a rock. I stood up. Mr. River looked blue. The water wasn’t noisy anymore.

I pinched the back of Mommy’s dress. “Mommy… look! Now Mr. River is calm. Caelan can sing. Hehe…”

Mommy turned to me and smiled. “Wait a moment, honey. Mommy will prepare the fishing rod first.”

She stepped beside me and handed me a green fishing rod. “Take this one. Watch how Mommy fishes, okay?”

I accepted the rod. “Okay, Mom.”

Mommy held her rod, tied the hook to the line, then attached an earthworm to the hook.

“Now Mommy will start fishing, honey.” She cast the hook onto the water’s surface.

I tried to copy Mommy’s movement. I threw my hook toward Mr. River. But it hit a rock, spun in the air, and fell down.

I puffed my cheeks. “Mommy… Caelan’s hook didn’t reach Mr. River.”

Mommy helped me hold the rod. “Let Mommy help, honey.”

This time, I cast it again. The hook bounced off a lotus leaf, then fell into Mr. River.

“Yay! It worked… Mom.” I lifted my fishing rod into the air.

“Good. Caelan really is amazing.”

…

“Lalala… la… lala…”

I sat cross-legged on the rock beside Mommy. Mr. River looked calm. Mr. Frog swam on the surface of Mr. River, then climbed onto a lotus leaf.

“Kroc… kroc…”

Mr. Frog likes singing just like Caelan. Hehe…

Mommy adjusted my straw hat. I looked up. Mommy’s straw hat looks just like mine.

I waited for a fish to bite my bait. Mr. Frog swam back into Mr. River. But my bait still hadn’t been eaten.

“Mommy… why don’t the fish want to eat Caelan’s bait?”

Mommy pulled up her hook. A plump fish was caught.

“Be patient, honey. Listen to Mr. River. Feel the movement of the fishing line.”

I nodded and stared at Mr. River. “Hmm… the fish must be shy. Caelan will wait.”

“Tap… tap…”

My hook trembled. I was sure a fish had taken the bait. “Mommy! I got a fish!”

“Good, honey.” Mommy helped me hold the rod. “Let’s pull together!”

“Duash—!”

Water splashed up from Mr. River’s surface.

I looked up at the sky. A dark shadow flew in the air. Then—

A muddy brown boot bounced onto the rock in front of me. Mommy and I looked at each other.

“Ha... ha…”

Mommy and I laughed together. Mommy held her stomach.

I took a deep breath and pouted. Mr. River must be refusing to give Caelan a fish on purpose because he’s still mad at me, right?

Mommy patted my back. “Caelan can try again. Mommy will help Caelan until getting a fish.”

“Yay! Mommy is the best! Hehe…”

...

After trying and trying again, I finally managed to catch three plump fish. Mommy praised me every time I caught one.

I hugged Mommy. “Now Caelan can fish. Thank you, Mom.”

Mommy hugged me back. It felt very warm. “You’re welcome, honey.”

“Kruueegg…”

Suddenly, my stomach growled. It seemed like my tummy also wanted to eat grilled fish.

“Let’s end our fishing for today, honey.” Mommy tied together ten fish. “Now we’ll cook grilled fish.”

“Yay! Caelan loves grilled fish.”

Mommy turned her back to me. “The river rocks are slippery, honey. Climb onto Mommy’s back.”

“Okay, Mom.” I nodded and climbed onto her back.

Mommy is amazing! She hopped from rock to rock in the river. Her left hand supported my body.

Mommy carried me back under the tree and set me down on the red mat. “Wait here for a moment, honey. Mommy will get some firewood.”

I nodded. “Yes, Mom. Caelan won’t go anywhere again.”

“Good. Caelan really is a good girl.”

Mommy stepped behind the tree trunk and gathered brown twigs.

I tilted my head. Mr. Dog was still sleeping on the grass.

Mommy returned and lit a campfire in front of the red mat. Four fish were skewered and sprinkled with salt, then roasted over the fire.

A savory aroma reached my nose. Mommy kept turning the grilled fish one by one. My lips felt wet.

“Mommy… when will the grilled fish be ready?”

“Just a little longer, honey.”

The fish turned golden brown over the fire. Mommy took four skewers of grilled fish, placed them on a plate, and served them.

“Be careful of the bones, honey.” Mommy fed me the grilled fish.

I opened my mouth. “Hmm…”

I chewed the fish while holding my cheek.

“How does it taste, honey?”

“It’s really, really yummy, Mom.”

Mommy smiled. I kept being fed by Mommy. She also ate grilled fish with me. Mommy’s cheeks looked clean and pale.

Before I knew it, the four grilled fish had left only bones on the plate. I leaned against the tree trunk and held my stomach.

Mommy crouched down, tying up the remaining fish. She said those fish would be given to Grandma Dora.

I looked back. Mr. Dog was still sleeping.

“Mommy… Caelan forgot to give Mr. Dog some grilled fish.”

Mommy stopped tidying the utensils and looked at me.

“Hmm… don’t worry, honey. Mr. Dog prefers eating fish bones.”

Mommy stood up, carrying the wooden basket. “It’s time to go home, honey.”

“Okay, Mom.”

I stood up. Mommy folded the mat and put it into the wooden basket.

Mommy walked over to Mr. Dog. I followed her from behind.

Mommy placed four grilled fish bones and a rose stem on top of Mr. Dog’s head. Then she stepped forward and held my hand.

I glanced back for a moment. The rose stem seemed to tremble.

Mommy smiled. “What is it, honey?”

“Nothing, Mom.” I walked along beside her.

…

Mr. Sun peeked from the western hill. Orange light greeted the wild roses in the meadow. I was happy Mommy took me fishing today. I want to go fishing with Mommy again and again. Hehe…

My feet stepped on yellow grass. I looked to the left. A hole was visible in the red soil. Red eyes appeared. Long ears poked out from the hole. Then—

“Wuusshhh…”

I looked up. A misty wind rose from the western hill. Mommy’s straw hat swayed.

I looked left again. But Mr. Rabbit did not come out.

My skin felt cold. I tugged at the hem of Mommy’s rose-colored dress.

“Mommy… Caelan is cold—”

But Mommy stood still. Her face was hidden beneath her straw hat.

“Mommy?”

Mommy’s shoulders trembled slightly. “I’m sorry, honey.”

Mommy lifted me into her arms and suddenly kissed my cheek. “Mommy just remembered something. Let’s go home quickly.”

Mommy walked fast across the meadow. I wrapped my arms around her neck. My eyes slowly closed as I heard Mommy murmur:

“Black Mist…”

My questions are:

1. How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?
2. How is Caelan El Rose's character in this chapter?
3. How adorable do you think she (a little daughter) is (if you think so)?
4. Is there a gap in understanding between the little daughter protagonist and the narrative clues that make you as a reader see 'something is wrong'?
5. How is this combination of Young Mother x Little Daughter?
6. What if the concept of this chapter is made into a fiction itself as a side story or prequel?

Thank you for your attention.

Best regards.

Hello! Keep in mind, I'm not a very good writer, so take any of my advice with a bag of salt. With that out of the way:

I was singing by the riverside when the sound of splashing water interrupted my voice. I turned to the left.

Just ditch the sound and voice.

Try:

I was singing by the riverside when a splash interrupted me.

I crouched down and pulled a blade of grass from the red soil. Uh… it wouldn’t come out.

The last part is cute if the kid is young enough.

“Hmm… I understand, Mom.” I turned toward the noisy river. “Mr. River… I’m sorry. Caelan was upset. Caelan won’t throw grass into the river again.”

I feel that "I" would serve here better than the character's name. Before it was fitting, but here it... I dunno, not smooth enough?

1. How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?

I'd say 5 or six.

1. How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?

Naive, hopeful, happy, but I guess her mother was trying to kill her? Or are they not human, and is their food poisonous to others?

1. How adorable do you think she (a little daughter) is (if you think so)?

No comment here.

1. Is there a gap in understanding between the little daughter protagonist and the narrative clues that make you as a reader see 'something is wrong'?

Yeah, I got that the dog died and there was something fishy right away.

 

[Eldoria]

Hello! Keep in mind, I'm not a very good writer, so take any of my advice with a bag of salt. With that out of the way:


Just ditch the sound and voice.

Try:

I was singing by the riverside when a splash interrupted me.



The last part is cute if the kid is young enough.


I feel that "I" would serve here better than the character's name. Before it was fitting, but here it... I dunno, not smooth enough?


I'd say 5 or six.


Naive, hopeful, happy, but I guess her mother was trying to kill her? Or are they not human, and is their food poisonous to others?

No comment here.

Yeah, I got that the dog died and there was something fishy right away.

Thank you for your feedback.

 

[seavmun88]

​

1. How old do you think Caelan El Rose is (actual age)?
2. How is Caelan El Rose's character in this chapter?
3. How adorable do you think she (a little daughter) is (if you think so)?
4. Is there a gap in understanding between the little daughter protagonist and the narrative clues that make you as a reader see 'something is wrong'?
5. How is this combination of Young Mother x Little Daughter?
6. What if the concept of this chapter is made into a fiction itself as a side story or prequel?

1 No more than 5 at most
2 All the line breaks even in the middle of the same thing being described? It makes her sound like she keeps losing focus
3 Really cutesy but not really charming about it
4 Yeah it's pretty obvious stuff is going on she doesnt understand
5 It's not a bad premise
6 I wouldn't be interested. Caelen is too rigid and idiosyncratic for it to not get tiring if it was longer than this. She calls everything "Mr", every time she giggles is at the end of a sentence with an ellipsis, breaks up the already fragmented narration with random ellipses too. Sometimes it shows a passing of time or change of scenery, but she does it twice after meeting the dog when it looks like they're still standing in the same place right next to it. Since if they left how would they poison it?

I'd say break up the rigidity in the narration. She can still call everything Mr in dialogue but not almost every time it's mentioned out of dialogue. Like

This time, I cast it again. The hook bounced off a lotus leaf, then fell into Mr. River.

becoming

This time, I cast it again. The hook bounced off a lotus leaf, then fell into the wooshy waters.

It's a good place to get creative in other ways a kid might talk about things.

And making her giggle at other times than the end of sentences, with an exclamation mark now and then. "Hehe..." just makes her sound like she needs another nap with the way her focus keeps drifting in and out.

 

[BeezussWrites]

I’ll start off by saying I’m pretty terrible at writing children characters myself, so I can give you more advice based on how I felt than anything technical.

1. Probably three or four.
2. Affectionate, curious, easily distracted, impulsive possibly, and the innocent lens of the chapter (not fully sure what the question was asking, sorry if that was wrong).
3. I think she's acting cute instead of being cute (if that makes sense). When you use the same "Mommy" and referring to themselves in third person too often, feels a bit like you're trying to hammer home (she's cute) instead of feeling Natural.
4. It’s very clear something is wrong. The mother killed the monster dog with glowing red eyes. Possibly mutated by the black mist?
5. I think it’s a pretty cool concept, and you have a good foundation for it. But it definitely needs to be fleshed out a bit more, mostly dialogue wise.
6. As it stands, it probably wouldn’t be exactly my taste. But if you worked on it a bit more, less trying to characterize her as a cutesy girl, and more time trying to focus more on describing the world from her perspective, I’d be interested.
   
   As a side note, I think it’d be killer for the mother to be a villain or even morally gray. The reader will already be sympathizing with her because she’s been described to us through the lens of someone who doesn’t fully understand. Thought, there’s a ton of ways you could take it, that’s just what popped into my head while I was reading it.

 

[Eldoria]

1 No more than 5 at most
2 All the line breaks even in the middle of the same thing being described? It makes her sound like she keeps losing focus
3 Really cutesy but not really charming about it
4 Yeah it's pretty obvious stuff is going on she doesnt understand
5 It's not a bad premise
6 I wouldn't be interested. Caelen is too rigid and idiosyncratic for it to not get tiring if it was longer than this. She calls everything "Mr", every time she giggles is at the end of a sentence with an ellipsis, breaks up the already fragmented narration with random ellipses too. Sometimes it shows a passing of time or change of scenery, but she does it twice after meeting the dog when it looks like they're still standing in the same place right next to it. Since if they left how would they poison it?

I'd say break up the rigidity in the narration. She can still call everything Mr in dialogue but not almost every time it's mentioned out of dialogue. Like

becoming

It's a good place to get creative in other ways a kid might talk about things.

And making her giggle at other times than the end of sentences, with an exclamation mark now and then. "Hehe..." just makes her sound like she needs another nap with the way her focus keeps drifting in and out.

I respect your opinion. But please understand the psychology of preoperational children (2-7 years old) according to Jean Piaget's cognitive development theory.

At their ages, children tend to be imaginative (thinking objects have souls - animism), egocentric (thinking the world is centered around themselves), have simple language, and have short attention spans (reactive and easily distracted).

To write a child's POV, you need to enter the child's logic. You can't bring adult logic to a child. They have different levels of intelligence.

If you pay attention to my discussion above, you will understand how complicated it is to write a child's POV. There is a paradox between using beautiful prose and an authentic child's voice. The more beautiful the prose, the less authentic the child's voice. It is difficult to find an extreme balance between balancing prose and child's voice.

In real life, children's writing is even more chaotic than Caelan's POV. Try asking a child (2-7 years old) to write a diary... and see how messy their prose is. Caelan's POV is actually still too neat and beautiful.

You call it too rigid and idiosyncratic? You are using adult perception to judge a child's POV. Please be more empathetic towards children. Differentiate between a child's perspective and the perspective of an adult disguised as a child.

In fact, your suggestion makes the perspective more like that of an adult disguised as a child than that of an authentic little girl. If you're still having trouble understanding my explanation, please refer to the psychological theory at the beginning of my response.

Thank you for your attention.

I think she's acting cute instead of being cute (if that makes sense). When you use the same "Mommy" and referring to themselves in third person too often, feels a bit like you're trying to hammer home (she's cute) instead of feeling Natural.

Thank you for your feedback. Some of your answers are quite accurate. But regarding the point you complained about above...

Caelan's POV always calls Mommy and uses her own name as a reference to herself because she is very affectionately attached to her mother, makes her mother the center of her world... and her mental age is still preoperational (2 - 7 years old), she is still learning to speak.

Children at this ages are still cute. They call themselves by their names. I even wanted to remove the word "I am.." in the prose because children this age rarely understand the concept of "I". So, Caelan's POV is still too smart for a child her age.

How can I know her mentality? I learned it from the theory of child development psychology... and in real life, I often interact with my little nephews. So, Caelan's POV is written based on the theory of preoperational child development and my real experience in interacting with children of preoperational ages.

 

[Makimaam]

her mental age is still preoperational (2 - 7 years old), she is still learning to speak.

I have to disagree. 2 to 7 years is a very wide age gap. There is a noticeable mental difference between a 2yo and a 4yo. The same goes for a 7yo who can already write and do basic math.

They call themselves by their names.

While this is likely true for 2-3yo. Children beyond that age usually learn to refer to themselves as “I”. However, constantly calling their mother “Mommy” or “Mom” is accurate.

 

[Eldoria]

I have to disagree. 2 to 7 years is a very wide age gap. There is a noticeable mental difference between a 2yo and a 4yo. The same goes for a 7yo who can already write and do basic math.


While this is likely true for 2-3yo. Children beyond that age usually learn to refer to themselves as “I”. However, constantly calling their mother “Mommy” or “Mom” is accurate.

I'm just quoting Jean Piaget's cognitive development theory. If you disagree, please conduct comparative research to deconstruct this theory. But that's certainly beyond the scope of this feedback discussion.

 

[Makimaam]

I'm just quoting Jean Piaget's cognitive development theory. If you disagree, please conduct comparative research to deconstruct this theory. But that's certainly beyond the scope of this feedback discussion.

I don’t have to “conduct my own research” since the Piagetian theory you quote is about cognitive development, not language development. I would be highly concerned if a 6-7yo constantly referred to themselves by their own name instead of “I.”