The title sounds like a generic JP light novel, but that's fine, since your story feels like one. Your synopsis sounds more like a story summary than a synopsis. You're supposed to hook in readers with the very first sentence and give us expectations about what your story's going to be about; instead you shovel background info into my head.
I also want to add that if 'innermost emotions, which they thought wouldn't happen.' means romantic feelings, you need to tag your story as romance genre, or tag it romance subplot. And the tag 'Weak to Strong' and 'Protagonist Strong from the Start' contradict each other, so think on which one this is.
Thoughts on the Story:
From the beginning you give the reader irrevelant information instead of just getting to the point. Do I need to know it is exactly 4:55 pm? Do I need to know the area name and prefecture name that I'm likely going to forget two paragraphs later? And the power outage. Why do I need to have all this explained to me before I get to know the characters?
And even when we meet the characters. You commit the sin of overexplaining, telling instead of showing. I guess I can brush this off, since this is novel has a JP light novel-ish format, but even considering that, it's too much. Consider toning down the telling, and instead showing us why the characters are considered popular, or invisible, by having them interact with other characters. For example, maybe Reika's sharing homework and passing notes with a friend, but nobody notices even when Soru starts dozing off in class.
Now for your dialogue. Here is the biggest problem. It is extremely cringey.
"No way..."
"Don't tell me he's going to use his fingers to clamp that chalk?!"
"That's impossible! There's no way he could pull that off!"
Nobody speaks like that in high school. Nobody. Your writing is over dramatizing things. And not only that, if a teacher's throwing a chalk at a guy, there's not enough time for three different people to comment all at once before said chalk lands on the guy's forehead. Even cringey japanese comedy anime doesn't go this far. Because in real life, nobody throws chalk in the middle of class, and nobody would care even if someone throws chalk. They'll just assume you're a weird person and stop talking to you. Especially if you're someone who's 'invisible' like Soru, who certainly does not sound very invisible, since the entire classroom is going crazy reacting to him.
Not only does this lead me to hate the cringey Soru, this also makes me find Reika stupid and unlikeable for even considering him as a love interest. When she tries to get back at him, she comes across as an immature 5 year old. Plus I find it weird how she doesn't have any friends following her to the rooftop, if she is indeed that popular, since in real life, popular girls are almost never alone, even when they go to the bathroom.
I got tired after Chapter one. The pacing was nice, and you wrote a lot of chapters, which is a nice bonus, but I just felt tired out by all the cringe. I physically couldn't read the rest of the novel. I suggest fixing that, or at least put a warning in the synopsis so that you'll only get readers who like that sort of thing.
The title sounds like a generic JP light novel, but that's fine, since your story feels like one. Your synopsis sounds more like a story summary than a synopsis. You're supposed to hook in readers with the very first sentence and give us expectations about what your story's going to be about; instead you shovel background info into my head.
I also want to add that if 'innermost emotions, which they thought wouldn't happen.' means romantic feelings, you need to tag your story as romance genre, or tag it romance subplot. And the tag 'Weak to Strong' and 'Protagonist Strong from the Start' contradict each other, so think on which one this is.
Thoughts on the Story:
From the beginning you give the reader irrevelant information instead of just getting to the point. Do I need to know it is exactly 4:55 pm? Do I need to know the area name and prefecture name that I'm likely going to forget two paragraphs later? And the power outage. Why do I need to have all this explained to me before I get to know the characters?
And even when we meet the characters. You commit the sin of overexplaining, telling instead of showing. I guess I can brush this off, since this is novel has a JP light novel-ish format, but even considering that, it's too much. Consider toning down the telling, and instead showing us why the characters are considered popular, or invisible, by having them interact with other characters. For example, maybe Reika's sharing homework and passing notes with a friend, but nobody notices even when Soru starts dozing off in class.
Now for your dialogue. Here is the biggest problem. It is extremely cringey.
Nobody speaks like that in high school. Nobody. Your writing is over dramatizing things. And not only that, if a teacher's throwing a chalk at a guy, there's not enough time for three different people to comment all at once before said chalk lands on the guy's forehead. Even cringey japanese comedy anime doesn't go this far. Because in real life, nobody throws chalk in the middle of class, and nobody would care even if someone throws chalk. They'll just assume you're a weird person and stop talking to you. Especially if you're someone who's 'invisible' like Soru, who certainly does not sound very invisible, since the entire classroom is going crazy reacting to him.
Not only does this lead me to hate the cringey Soru, this also makes me find Reika stupid and unlikeable for even considering him as a love interest. When she tries to get back at him, she comes across as an immature 5 year old. Plus I find it weird how she doesn't have any friends following her to the rooftop, if she is indeed that popular, since in real life, popular girls are almost never alone, even when they go to the bathroom.
I got tired after Chapter one. The pacing was nice, and you wrote a lot of chapters, which is a nice bonus, but I just felt tired out by all the cringe. I physically couldn't read the rest of the novel. I suggest fixing that, or at least put a warning in the synopsis so that you'll only get readers who like that sort of thing.
Thanks for the thorough review, I really appreciate it. However, I want to give some clarifications:
From the beginning you give the reader irrevelant information instead of just getting to the point. Do I need to know it is exactly 4:55 pm? Do I need to know the area name and prefecture name that I'm likely going to forget two paragraphs later? And the power outage. Why do I need to have all this explained to me before I get to know the characters?
Main reason is word quota per chapter. I don't want to overexplain things, but I need to reach the 2k word quota. I got caught up writing that part to the point that it reached almost 3k words (which I only need 2k+) and I felt that removing details would be weird.
Nobody speaks like that in high school. Nobody. Your writing is over dramatizing things.
Surprisingly, that kind of reaction is common in slice-of-life highschool animes I've seen. I have slice-of-life tags, that's why I adapted what I saw on animes. I'm creating JP LN, and you'll see in the future chapters (tho you don't want to continue it), that I balanced the comedic and action tone of the story.
In addition, since Soru is invisible, their reaction was that dramatic because it's their first time seeing him responding in such an unnatural way. I don't want to spoil, but
Soru had powers to transfer damage that was inflicted to him. That's why he responded to it, thinking that it was an attack directed to him
.
Because in real life, nobody throws chalk in the middle of class
Aside from the fact that I experienced that shxt on my school multiple times, that setup was to give the readers a hint/confusion. You see in the next scene that the teacher felt a sensation on his nose,
on which Soru used his powers
. And come on, it's a JP LN style. Anything can happen for the sake of comedy, cringe or not HAHAHA.
Not only does this lead me to hate the cringey Soru
Soru was diagnosed a severe Schizoid Personality Disorder, that made him pretty autistic
. That's probably the reason why he acts cringe; bro doesn't know what ethics or decency really is.
this also makes me find Reika stupid and unlikeable for even considering him as a love interest. When she tries to get back at him, she comes across as an immature 5 year old
It was my goal to begin with. I made her unlikeable but changed her personality and viewpoint after she arrived to another world. That was her "character development" that I planned for her. I was glad the plan went well.
Plus I find it weird how she doesn't have any friends following her to the rooftop
She's only "slightly popular", having that "nigh-stalker" friends seems kind of weird, considering the fact that those girl group she encountered invites her (which is considered as her being "slightly" popular). I already emphasized in the previous scenes that everyone was eager to leave; pretty sure they can't afford to linger around Reika, no?
That's all. You have an extremely good point; I still lack experience since it's my first webnovel. Though, maybe almost all who read my story didn't know the hidden reasons behind those words, simply because I lack the capabilities to convey the meaning without confusing them. Thank you, I mean it for real ?.
Thanks for the thorough review, I really appreciate it. However, I want to give some clarifications:
Main reason is word quota per chapter. I don't want to overexplain things, but I need to reach the 2k word quota. I got caught up writing that part to the point that it reached almost 3k words (which I only need 2k+) and I felt that removing details would be weird.
Surprisingly, that kind of reaction is common in slice-of-life highschool animes I've seen. I have slice-of-life tags, that's why I adapted what I saw on animes. I'm creating JP LN, and you'll see in the future chapters (tho you don't want to continue it), that I balanced the comedic and action tone of the story.
In addition, since Soru is invisible, their reaction was that dramatic because it's their first time seeing him responding in such an unnatural way. I don't want to spoil, but
Soru had powers to transfer damage that was inflicted to him. That's why he responded to it, thinking that it was an attack directed to him
.
Aside from the fact that I experienced that shxt on my school multiple times, that setup was to give the readers a hint/confusion. You see in the next scene that the teacher felt a sensation on his nose,
on which Soru used his powers
. And come on, it's a JP LN style. Anything can happen for the sake of comedy, cringe or not HAHAHA.
Oh, I forgot to mention,
Soru was diagnosed a severe Schizoid Personality Disorder, that made him pretty autistic
. That's probably the reason why he acts cringe; bro doesn't know what ethics or decency really is.
It was my goal to begin with. I made her unlikeable but changed her personality and viewpoint after she arrived to another world. That was her "character development" that I planned for her. I was glad the plan went well.
She's only "slightly popular", having that "nigh-stalker" friends seems kind of weird, considering the fact that those girl group she encountered invites her (which is considered as her being "slightly" popular). I already emphasized in the previous scenes that everyone was eager to leave; pretty sure they can't afford to linger around Reika, no?
That's all. You have an extremely good point; I still lack experience since it's my first webnovel. Though, maybe almost all who read my story didn't know the hidden reasons behind those words, simply because I lack the capabilities to convey the meaning without confusing them. Thank you, I mean it for real ?.
HAHHAHAHA is that so? Idk man, I don't trust my grammar that's why I relied on quillbot to carry my sorry asz ??
I love comedy, I love exaggerated stuff, and I live for JP light novels, but you still went overboard. It would be fine if the characters were only awkward and naive up to reasonable levels, or if it were anime, a visual medium. Or it would be fine if you committed to the cringe, like 'The Eminence in Shadow', which is absurd to the point it's funny. But sadly, neither of these are the case. And so your writing, again, is not funny. It's just cringe.
I'm not going to bother reading the excuses- as you've said, any readers who read your story are not going to have these clarifications, they're not going to care, and if it annoys them, they won't even bother leaving reviews. They'll just quit reading.
I'm not trying to bash you, especially since it's your first novel. I remember my novel was an absolute trainwreck, lmao. I just hope you work on fixing and editing more, since I do see how your novel can be fun if done correctly.
Haven't read more than a paragraph or so but do need to point out that comedy - especially sustained comedy - is hard. Incidental comedy, especially "slice of life" stuff is much easier to insert (and what I tend to rely on).
