Feedback and any suggestions or comments, it is my first novel

[Calburn]

Hi I'm writing a new novel only 2 chapters so far but I would really appreciate any suggestions or thoughts, because it seems to be doing well but as I'm the one writing it I am unable to read it as objectively is I would other people's novels.
Thank You.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/199497/the-psysystem-in-a-world-of-magic/

 

[RepresentingCaution]

Most readers here are silent. For feedback, I recommend writing.com or WritersCafe. Both of those sites have point systems that encourage users to leave reviews.

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

I have some free time to give some reviews as I fucking bored sleeping in this fucking retard hospital bed alone

Idk man, if you want to be an anti-mainstream litrpg writer you can do what you do now, but I feel it's better to do it in mainstream more. But that's up to your choice.

As what I mean is your writing style.

PS I'M NOT SAYING YOUR WRTING STYLE BAD, AS EVERY WRITER HAD THEIR OWN STYLE AND IT'S UP TO THEM HOW THEY WRITE THEIR OWN NOVELS AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM UNIQUE

Alright so, rather than writing like

Hmm. Hmm? Feeling something is wrong with my bed I open my eyes, And then proceed to bolt upright because I am now surrounded by trees instead of the 4 walls I was expecting. "What The Fu**. Where am I" Ding! [ Welcome To Gia, Void Wanderer ] I jolt at the sound and am surprised by the blue words floating up in front of my eyes, but not nearly as surprised by what the messages said next.

[ Soul Sync Complete ] [ Unique System Granted ] [ PsySystem ]

I'd love to see this more like this

Hmm. Hmm? Feeling something is wrong with my bed I open my eyes, And then proceed to bolt upright because I am now surrounded by trees instead of the 4 walls I was expecting. "What The Fu**. Where am I"

Ding!

[ Welcome To Gia, Void Wanderer ]

I jolt at the sound and am surprised by the blue words floating up in front of my eyes, but not nearly as surprised by what the messages said next.

[ Soul Sync Complete ] [ Unique System Granted ] [ PsySystem ]

another

"Hmm so only three possible things could be happening"

1. This is some crazy lucid dream
2. I'm going insane
3. Or I'm in another world and I just got a cheat system

We can turn this into narrative one rather than dialogue one

Seeing the strange sight in front of me, i draw three possibilities of how could this be happening. First, this is some crazy lucid dream .Second, Im going insane . And third, I'm in another world and just got a cheat system.

and more, but mostly of it because you don't push the enter button.

In my opinion, you're too shy to push those enter button. I love you want to make a table and text colour for the system, I appreciate it since most of the writers don't like to complicate their work.

If I want to give you some suggestion it's JUST FUCKING PUSH THE ENTER BUTTON MAN! XD

 

[Calburn]

I have some free time to give some reviews as I fucking bored sleeping in this fucking retard hospital bed alone

Idk man, if you want to be an anti-mainstream litrpg writer you can do what you do now, but I feel it's better to do it in mainstream more. But that's up to your choice.

As what I mean is your writing style.

PS I'M NOT SAYING YOUR WRTING STYLE BAD, AS EVERY WRITER HAD THEIR OWN STYLE AND IT'S UP TO THEM HOW THEY WRITE THEIR OWN NOVELS AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM UNIQUE

Alright so, rather than writing like


I'd love to see this more like this


another

We can turn this into narrative one rather than dialogue one


In my opinion, you're too shy to push those enter button. I love you want to make a table and text colour for the system, I appreciate it since most of the writers don't like to complicate their work.

JUST FUCKING PUSH ENTER MAN! XD

thank you that actually helps a lot as I said this is my first novel and I'm kind of winging it. so besides the formatting issues any thoughts on how the story is so far?

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

thank you that actually helps a lot as I said this is my first novel and I'm kind of winging it. so besides the formatting issues any thoughts on how the story is so far?

Hmmm, I can't say much since there's only 2 chapters and I wont comment about the grammar because grammar mistakes is very common for Webnovels. But like I said before, how you're writing the system with a different colour makes it interesting. And YOU GOTTA FIX that damn formatting. Like wtf I'm seeing spoiler in the centre of the chapter just because it contains gore like wtf.

It's like I'm watching a lesbos video and suddenly there's a gigantic cock entering the scene. In another words, It's annoying

And add some details and descriptive like what the goblins shrieked when they chased the MC or another thing. It adds spiciness and flavour to the chapter

 

[Calburn]

Hmmm, I can't say much since there's only 2 chapters and I wont comment about the grammar because grammar mistakes is very common for Webnovels. But like I said before, how you're writing the system with a different colour makes it interesting. And YOU GOTTA FIX that damn formatting. Like wtf I'm seeing spoiler in the centre of the chapter just because it contains gore like wtf.

It's like I'm watching a lesbos video and suddenly there's a gigantic cock entering the scene. In another words, It's annoying

And add some details and descriptive like what the goblins shrieked when they chased the MC or another thing. It adds spiciness and flavour to the chapter

I tried fixing the formatting for the prologue what do you think?

 

[NotYourTypicalMan]

I tried fixing the formatting for the prologue what do you think?

Yo honest opinion bro, that turned out great. No lie.

Like I knew it would be better, but I didn't know it would THAT better. Jesus Christ, like I'm shocked seeing the first chapter because I already saw the unedited chapter and I'm shocked how it turned out when it got edited.

I got to say this man, but GOOD FUCKING JOB doing that. If it's your first novel don't think about mistakes too much, just get used to writing first and have my guarantee your writing would be better. And my next suggestion is to give your novel a little cover because that attracts those click and view that makes people interested in reading your work.

All in all, good job man. Here have a drink

.

 

[Calburn]

Yo honest opinion bro, that turned out great. No lie.

Like I knew it would be better, but I didn't know it would THAT better. Jesus Christ, like I'm shocked seeing the first chapter because I already saw the unedited chapter and I'm shocked how it turned out when it got edited.

I got to say this man, but GOOD FUCKING JOB doing that.

here have a drink

Haha Cheers I just finished Chapter 1 just now. it may be a bit more broken up than it should be let me know if it's good now. and thanks for all the help.