Feed back on my Fantasy piece

[Stoss]

Hi everyone who may be reading this I would love some feedback on this story I am in the middle of writing. I am a slow writer so it is not much, but I hope I can get some thoughts on this.

The Khan And The Fox

Tsügon Khan, a God that caused the world itself in fear for a hundred years has now found themselves once more far away from the watching eyes of others. That however did not stop to turn and in need for revenge by one of their took the opportunity to...

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Thought I also ramble a bit, I am mainly looking for things to improve on, editing, since I struggle a lot on grammar even though English is the only language I know >_<
I can also answer any questions that you may have, since I know I am probably very vague on certain things. As well as I know the action scenes aren't that amazing. I should mention the first four chapters a bit all over the place, and I kind of don't consider it canonical to the story, outside of the general stuff that happened there. It is still important but there are many parts of it I don't like.

For just stuff in general I wanted to create a Fantasy world in almost answer that should be answered is answered. The idea of if I made a Wiki, almost everything mentioned would have at least a paragraph of lore. Which I know is really hard, but I love Fantasy Worlds that have that while still keeping the mystery alive. So like, I can just go on and on about this world if anything interests you. Not to mention just drop text docs of lore LOL.

Outside of that, thank you in advance for taking the time to look my never going to be finished story. So ya.

 

[Stoss]

Just
Write it over again and check for mistakes.Keep an easy to read book handy to compare it too.Take your time with it.

Ah thank. Taking my time is thankfully the one thing I can do as I write way to slow as is.
Heh, I tend to compare it to other stuff, as is but honestly it never occurred to me to just have a book on hand lol.
And the curse of being a writer, rereading truly just doomed to run around in circles.

 

[Stoss]

Trust me,we all want to write the next Great Novel,but it ain't gonna happen.The WWII Generation did that already.Just write an entertainment.Think of a tv show as you write.No one wants Great Expectations any more,this is the 21 century

Kind of lost me there but thanks I guess?

 

[Tempokai]

Synopsis is a train wreck to read. Thankfully there's AI to do it.

Spoiler

It has been a decade since the wars of the Great Khan caused the land to tremble in fear. Now, that once mighty God finds themselves weakened and traveling the world once again, this time with someone to take along. After all, even a God can get bored.

From the nobody named Stoss comes the "epic fantasy adventure" of Tsügon Khan, the Great Fox God, and Takahiro Akitomo, a lonely orphan. After being thrust together by a meeting of both their creations, they travel the entire world. This leads to an adventure across this vast world, encountering Gods, Atheists, Daemons, and even ordinary people. They find themselves in a changed world, where the old rules are out and the new rules are in, thanks to a certain Khan. So now, there is only one thing left to do: travel. After all, even a God can get bored.

In more general, the synopsis is vague. Sure, it's a great fox god and an orphan, but they're mushed together in one sentence and it makes the characters first appearance look flat. The call to adventure in the end is anticlimactic, as it doesn't show any stakes to make the novel worth reading. It's falling for "OP mommy doing OP things while the kid is just there" trap.

Read the first chapter. and the writing quality is good enough... for a slice of life, not action-adventure. I like it, but others may skip the descriptions because it's big in words.

 

[Stoss]

Synopsis is a train wreck to read. Thankfully there's AI to do it.

Spoiler

It has been a decade since the wars of the Great Khan caused the land to tremble in fear. Now, that once mighty God finds themselves weakened and traveling the world once again, this time with someone to take along. After all, even a God can get bored.

From the nobody named Stoss comes the "epic fantasy adventure" of Tsügon Khan, the Great Fox God, and Takahiro Akitomo, a lonely orphan. After being thrust together by a meeting of both their creations, they travel the entire world. This leads to an adventure across this vast world, encountering Gods, Atheists, Daemons, and even ordinary people. They find themselves in a changed world, where the old rules are out and the new rules are in, thanks to a certain Khan. So now, there is only one thing left to do: travel. After all, even a God can get bored.

In more general, the synopsis is vague. Sure, it's a great fox god and an orphan, but they're mushed together in one sentence and it makes the characters first appearance look flat. The call to adventure in the end is anticlimactic, as it doesn't show any stakes to make the novel worth reading. It's falling for "OP mommy doing OP things while the kid is just there" trap.

Read the first chapter. and the writing quality is good enough... for a slice of life, not action-adventure. I like it, but others may skip the descriptions because it's big in words.

Lol thanks. The idea was that I had the orignal synopsis, then I wrote a joke one later on. I honestly need to write a real one. I am not one for having some learning algorithm to write something for me. So I guess I am doomed to get more practice and keep doing it until i run circles and figure that out.

Honestly the lack of stakes is slightly intentional, as the first chapter was not written to be more the just a short story. It was changed up a lot later on but a lot of the bones still stuck. :/

Part of it doesn't help that a lot of it really is just two people just traveling around with less stakes. I was talking with my old editor about it and we kind of had that idea more so, then something with more, drama. Another project I did have welll be more drama less fun though. So I guess in retrospect if my brain came up with that first it work better.

Thanks though. I try my best and I want to get a lot better, and I find myself running an endless road since I am such a slow writer.

Edit: Okay I changed up the synopsis using what little brain power I had before I drink more stupid juice. So I think it works better? Idk. Also added slice of life since you brought that up, I was thinking about adding it originally but scared people might not, uh, turned off by it.
Also just realized the "OP mommy doing OP things while the kid is just there." So I should definitely fix that there. I already have another story where I did a parental figure thing and I want to avoid stepping on ground I already covered too much.