Draft Prologue Chapter Feedback Request

Arch9CivilReactor

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I’m not even going to give a rundown because if you can’t enjoy it blind then it’s no use adding more details. Basic academy story without reincarnation, transmigration, novel extra, regression, or any of that jazz is my only note.

I’m really unsure about this… so I’m sharing it first.

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They say that everyone had equal opportunity and the chance to become a Mage. Even if it hurt bad.

Axion Radiation, also known as 'Mana', was not a resource meant for everyone. One wrong move and you could end up mutating into a creature that couldn't be conversed with. A being of madness that could only be defined as an Enemy of Humanity.

Given the EoH designation and sent for execution.

Despite the a modern society, the chair wasn't used.

Monsters couldn't die as humans.

Only buried after a real Mage was sent to end them.

The wastelands were being worked on, but it wasn't easy to expand outside a city. Mages were necessary in society for their good city to expand outside the confines of their incredibly dense walls. Built with the paranoia of people who had seen hell on Earth.

People inside the walls were taught to fear.

EoHs made from mismanaged Axion Radiation couldn't compare to the creatures that roamed the Earthland Expanse. Cities like Faustus needed Mages to protect them. Regardless of what form it took, they needed wielders of this unique power.

Regardless if they had to risk undesirable outcomes.

That was how loyalty and honour worked, right?

It was raining that day. Daylight couldn't seep into this room filled with students kneeling in front of a blackboard. Those outside this classroom had the right to believe these 'children' were to become model students. Even if they lacked childishness.

The naivety of the young.

Every single one of them hadn't simply been trained under the same guidance. While it was true many of them were given basic CQC training and exams in marksmanship, that was only to meet the stringent conditions this academy placed for their commons.

Ordinary people couldn't become 'Ultimate'.

That was the Ultima Academy's motto.

The ritual was ceremonial in nature despite being far from the reaches of nature. Each of them knelt on a mat issued to them. Looking down on the weapon that would become more than ceremonial. It'd one day become their signature. A part of their lives.

No, it was already deeply connected to that extent.

Stratagems could be seen from the weapons they had chosen. Swordsmen had their MagiBlades of Axion Light. Hardened and turned into a lightsaber with incredible lightness and versatility. Marksmen had their guns, bows, rifles, and other common arms.

One of the students stood out amongst the rest.

Earning the curiosity of the overseeing teachers.

Even though this was a place where fledgling Dragoons earned their Rank, it was strange to see anything more inefficient than swordsmen trying to keep their family legacy. What were they seeing this time in this sacred entrance ceremony? A wand?

No, it wasn't exquisite enough to reach that level and be beneficial for the user. If they had to describe what this kid had brought, it would be a writing utensil one would see in mundane activities. There was actually a kid bringing 'Pen' to the battlefield.

The classmates who noticed tried not to stare.

To think there'd be a fool among them...

This wasn't a place for comedians. Crazy fools like this wouldn't last long anyway. Those who didn't take this place seriously either had tremendous backing or superior talent. It wasn't their business what would happen next. They were all rivals here.

Competitors for more precious resources.

They were all here to focus on their own growth.

Just before the mood became strange, someone walked in front of the blackboard and pushed up her glasses with her ring finger. She would be the one to oversee this particular group. One of many that had been gathered in different classrooms everywhere.

"Congratulations, Cadets, for entering the Ultima Academy. For now, I need you to pick up the special treasures you've contributed in creating. Please show me you can activate them as intended." The woman with her blonde locks stated with great importance.

Many of the students nodded back in response.

A light show appeared before their eyes.

Radiances of pink, red, blue, green and yellow could be seen everywhere. Each one from a different item held by each student. There seemed to be no real pattern on who had which colour. Pink not defining any guys or girls. Simply radiating from their choice.

They seemed at awe at what they were seeing.

That strange student in the middle no different.

"Your parents must have explained beforehand about this, but I'll repeat what's necessary for you all to remember: Never lose your Life Seal. It contains not only your Data, but also your very essence. If it is destroyed, you will also die." Her words were heavy.

The entire classroom gripped their treasures tight.

Keeping it close and never out of their awareness.

Something like this was a good trade for being able to use Faustus City's new interpretation of Axion Radiation. Also known as 'Data'. Each one of them saw a coloured holographic card with their name on it. Many sensed their lives bonded with the treasure.

It was an extrasensory sensation.

Not one they could explain with words.

The fool who had wasted this chance with his dumb prank didn't seem any different from the others regarding this. Neither more emotional nor stoic about what was happening. The red radiance on his writing utensil similarly as powerful as the others.

Those who had better things to do gradually forgot.

There was no need to give this pitiful guy attention.

"The colour of your Life Seal will decide the direction of your Data. We call them Natures. It's an ability you all will naturally master along with the unique lineages you've brought here personally. Consider this your first gift from the gracious Headmaster."

"We thank the Headmaster!" It was in unison.

As this academy's first ever batch of students, all of them were aware of how grateful they should feel right now. Having been chosen at birth to attend this academy and registered to be here by their parents long before they knew. They considered it a blessing.

Having power gifted to them so readily was quite a refreshing feeling. Many of them were impassioned and burning with violent curiosity. Any teacher that was there could understand the kids. Their youthful memories of the past never had an instance like this.

Power in this world wasn't so easily granted.

Only the people attending today had this privilege.

They got what they paid for with excess.

Such was the benefit of money and power.

"You shall use your Life Seals to protect the peace, as competent Magi should. If you want to change its shape, then earn enough money to pay for such an alteration. Remember that your lives will be connected to your weapon from now on." A teacher spoke with the dignity of one who knew real struggle. Her eyes lingered on the one student who didn't get issued a 'weapon' before moving on.

When her eyes made contact with him, she could see a deep arrogance and hubris in his eyes, as well as a fiery will and burning resolve. Pretty rare of an attitude to have among the new Cadets. Perhaps he overestimated himself. Thinking he was something.

A frog that never saw the wider world before.

"Time to attach your Macro Converters." The class nodded and picked up another piece of tech that was placed before them. Technology approved on a world wide scale, but was much more luxurious than any other attachment they'd get from any other city.

Axion Radiation needed a conduit of sorts. Most attached these micro supercomputers (that did magical calculations for them) on their weapons. It was only a rare few who wore their mini-computers as accessories. Being clear what they prepared for.

Standing up while readying themselves.

A crack of thunder rumbled the entire classroom.

As soon as they had equipped their weapons, the ceremony that was used at every school across the many remaining cities finally started for real. Being completely on edge. Animosity was as thick as steel and visible enough to be seen with the naked eye.

"Now... fight. Show the world your true worth." The moment she spoke this, the class turned on each other. Magic Bullets were sequenced, loaded and shot. MagiBlades condensed high density Data.

It was a chaotic battlefield where those who were hit got knocked unconscious. Within the large class of around fifty students, the examiners held high hopes for a few talented recruits this year. Many of them hoping those they knew would come out on top.

In this battle royale that would decide their fates.

...Only to be devastated when the battle royale between students ended within ten minutes. That student with a pen. That strange prankster who'd came to be a bother. He was much more than what they were anticipating. It was a spectacular show.

The youth with what they decided to jointly name as a 'MagiPen', Fritz Lazrik, had been showing off his skill as the only natural Mage to be enrolled in the academy. He laughed and defeated multiple classmates with ease using Paper Charms.

His magic formulas different from the norm.

Likely from an ancient family...

His body turned illusionary one moment, and changed positions with another in the next. They were experienced enough to see this was his strong point. He specialised in crowd-fighting, so there wasn't much for the fanged tiger to do but to hunt.

To him, the rest of them were just fresh meat to consume and grow stronger. He was an animal with a hunger for battle... It was an unfair fight to the others. The teachers agreed that the youth wielding a MagiPen fought demonically; in a clear frenzy.

"I'll show you Charms are a legit sorcery!" The young man with a clear mission, Fritz, had this thought burning in his eyes. Knowing that the world had moved on, but unwilling to let go of the honour and prestige his family had built over the long years.

This was his best chance...!

He drew on many papers and threw them...

"I'm infallible! Guns and swords are useless." Those arrogant thoughts didn't stop. He had unbridled confidence in his power. The red Axion Radiation coming from his MagiPen seemed to be mastered easily. Fusing with his formulas with high synergy.

Overcoming his classmates in droves at a time.

And then, he almost reached his goal.

The finish line had arrived.

There was just one girl left...

"Even if you're a girl, I won't hold back!" Fritz had a motto of equal opportunity for fists. He'd already used both magic and martial arts to punch some girls in the face. His ruthlessness towards his own classmates gained the ire of some of the overseers.

But who cared about that?

Victory was all he wanted.

It's all he'd ever need.

Truly, sincerely... but... how...!

Despite the youth's prior confidence, a lifeless look appeared in Fritz's eyes not even a moment after approaching the last hurdle. Hitting the floor powerlessly... It was not magic or martial arts. One couldn't see much effort put into the girl's attack.

Fritz quickly regained consciousness.

Not a gun, not a sword, but a fist was hanging above his face. Fresh blood dripped from his lips. Having remembered the earlier fist strike that lazily swam through his guard and struck him heavily like a metal bat. Not even getting to see her Life Seal at all.

"But... but...!" Fritz couldn't accept the outcome.

His pride, his dreams, his everything... was crushed by a girl who defeated him with her fists. Everything he had dreamed about became nonsense. Someone who wasn't even using Axion Radiation manhandled him like he was a child. A swift but solid execution.

Everything he'd once had the ambition to do after climbing to the top of the Ranks vanished. The youth was forced to realise that in this world, there existed monsters who defied common sense. Talent. True talent. In front of her, all his hard work was useless...

As the black-haired female Cadet looked down on Fritz emotionlessly. Her attitude unlike anyone else he'd ever met. So heavy was her gaze that he averted his eyes in pure dread. Unable to speak or even say anything to scavenge what's left of his broken pride.

The red MagiPen in his hand gradually lost its colour and could no longer function properly after that incident. It wasn't that the Macro Converter was broken... Tech wasn't the issue. The user had simply lost the willpower required operate its system.

There was only two words the beauty-

No, the War Goddess spoke after seeing his struggle:

"Accept defeat."

The beauty's words were so cold...

It caused his face to turn white.

He shivered...

The winner was already decided...

The 'Tooth Extractor' in middle school had his fangs broken at his high school entrance ceremony. That name would fade along with his reputation after having his arrogance broken. This incident that had happened nearly a year ago, and to this very day, he never forgot it, even is it was a year later. Scared of people in general after having his ego shattered.

For a good while, his Charms lost their strength in offensive combat. Unable to harm others anymore.

Not knowing her fate would be tied to his own.
 
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CharlesEBrown

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Looks like you have a teaser and a first chapter slammed together, but the writing is very choppy at places, like sentences thrown against a wall and occasionally getting additional information to link them; feels very "stream of consciousness" - it has some potential, to be sure, but is a tough slog right now., at least for me.
 

Arch9CivilReactor

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Looks like you have a teaser and a first chapter slammed together, but the writing is very choppy at places, like sentences thrown against a wall and occasionally getting additional information to link them; feels very "stream of consciousness" - it has some potential, to be sure, but is a tough slog right now., at least for me.
How would you improve it?
 

CharlesEBrown

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The only advice I have quickly (can give more later probably) is split it where the tone shifts - at the line about That is what Honor is or something like that - that section and above feels like prologue, while the next section jumps right into what feels like story.
 
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