Does this description work?

[ThisAdamGuy]

I just spent an hour writing and rewriting this, and I'm still not convinced it works. It's for a new class I came up with for one of my characters called a Sniper Cleric. Basically, he crafts special arrows that don't deal damage, but instead explode into clouds of healing powder. What do you guys think?

An arrow streaked across the chamber, hitting Noah square in the back. This wasn’t a normal arrow, though. Instead of a sharpened head, the tip of the arrow had been placed inside a small white cloth sack that was filled almost to the point of bursting with healing herbs. A string wrapped around the shaft tied the bag closed, creating a soft and round head about the size and shape of a golf ball that was ready to break as soon as it met the slightest hint of resistance.

The moment the arrow hit Noah, the sack exploded, showering him with glittering dust. The “POISONED” notification vanished, and his health rose back to the top.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I just spent an hour writing and rewriting this, and I'm still not convinced it works. It's for a new class I came up with for one of my characters called a Sniper Cleric. Basically, he crafts special arrows that don't deal damage, but instead explode into clouds of healing powder. What do you guys think?

Since you seem to be basing this more on MMORPGs than TTRPGs, a ranged healer is kind of cool (they can be very unbalancing in a TTRPG but the need for "DPS" and constant shifting around makes them great for MMORPGs).

As for the actual passage, it seems a bit wordier than it needs to be but does get the point (or more accurately "blunt tip") across.

 

[Fairemont]

Id agree. I feel like it's heavy handed. We dont need the "how it works" right now.

Maybe trim that fat and use it to cook elsewhere. Have someone ask how the arrow worked later on and they can show it to them and explain it in dialogue.

Keep the action flowing!

 

[K_Jira]

I'm not an expert on description myself, but if I may pitch in some thoughts as a reader, I think the shift from action

An arrow streaked across the chamber, hitting Noah square in the back.

to description

This wasn’t a normal arrow, though. Instead of a sharpened head, the tip of the arrow

was not very smooth to read. It breaks the flow of the image in my head.

Maybe try slipping the description that matters the most in the action—like the blunt tip that is actually a sack—rather than elaborating on each micro description. I don't think the string and size of the head matters much since as the reader, I can already get the gist of how it works without the full description just by the first half of the description.

If I were to rewrite it:

An arrow streaked across the chamber, its blunt head hitting Noah square in the back. A small white cloth sack wrapped the tip of the arrow within, filled with healing herbs almost to the point of bursting. The moment it hit, the sack exploded and showered him with glittering dust.

The “POISONED” notification vanished, and his health rose back to the top.

For me, as a reader, this much is enough.

Edit: Or it can also be like this if you want it to be more linear:

A blunt arrow streaked across the chamber, a small white cloth sack wrapped the tip of the arrow within, filled with healing herbs almost to the point of bursting. It hit Noah square in the back and the sack exploded upon impact, showering him with glittering dust.

The “POISONED” notification vanished, and his health rose back to the top.