Did I Lose Anything?

[DismaiNaim]

This is the opening scene of chapter 1, so it has to be pristine. I thought maybe if I trim the fat... but am I losing anything valuable?

Original:

Father in Heaven, I have sinned. Sorry… hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…

“You Caleb?”

Standing in the doorway to the altar was a man with a worn face and long, graying hair. He wore polished armor, and over one shoulder was a red sash bearing the gold lettering of the Count held by a clasp in the shape of Falcon with His wings swept in a dive. From his belt hung a sword with a diamond-tree stone in a weighted brass pommel, and he held out a small, folded brown paper.

For thine is the kingdom, the honor, and the glory. Amen. I stood. “I am he.”

“You’re called to arms. Take your sword, your bow, and make for Carthia at once."

I took the paper and opened it. "I have neither sword nor bow, and where is Carthia?"

The man groaned. "I’m the messenger."

His heavy boots clomped over the wood floor of the church on his way out.

Revision:

Father in Heaven, I have sinned. Sorry… hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…

“You Caleb?”

Standing in the doorway was an older man in polished armor with a red sash over one shoulder bearing the gold lettering of the Count. From his belt hung a sword with a diamond-tree stone in the pommel, and he held out a small, folded brown paper.

For thine is the kingdom, the honor, and the glory. Amen. “I am he.”

“You’re called to arms. Take your sword, your bow, and go to Carthia at once."

I took the paper and opened it. "I have neither sword nor bow, and where is Carthia?"

"I’m the messenger," he groaned. His boots clomped over the wood floor on his way out.

 

[Representing_Tromba]

Sperate from the revisions, half the prayer is missing.

Though the revised version flows better, it gives a less detailed image than before. I preferred the first but both are good.

 

[rileykifer]

I like the second one more, but if the old man becomes a side character, it would be better to keep in the description of his face and hair.

 

[DismaiNaim]

I like the second one more, but if the old man becomes a side character, it would be better to keep in the description of his face and hair.

This is his only appearance in the whole story.

 

[Joyager2]

I think the description you have in the first passage is the strongest. I'd cut out the details about the clasp and his pommel, but it's good to see his face, and the rest is clearly important to your narrative (at least, I imagine that's why you kept it in both passages). I'd mix the two:

Standing in the doorway to the altar was a man with a worn face and long, graying hair. He wore polished armor, and over one shoulder was a red sash bearing the gold lettering of the Count. From his belt hung a sword with a diamond-tree stone in the pommel, and he held out a small, folded brown paper.

The revisions made to your dialogue work very well, though.

 

[rileykifer]

This is his only appearance in the whole story.

If that's the case, then yeah, I don't see much point in going that deep into his description. (Then again, I'm not a fan of a lot of description in a story, so that could just be my personal taste.) I vote for the revision.

 

[DismaiNaim]

Father in Heaven, I have sinned. Sorry… hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done…
“You Caleb?”
Standing in the doorway was a man with a worn face and long, graying hair wearing polished armor and a red sash with gold lettering over one shoulder. From his belt hung a sword with a diamond-tree stone in the pommel, and he held out a small, folded brown paper.
For thine is the kingdom the honor and the glory amen. “I am he.”
“You’re called to arms. Take your sword, your bow, and go to Carthia at once."
I took the paper and opened it. Above the words pronouncing my fate was the gold Falcon seal from the Count of Osenia. "I have neither sword nor bow, and where is Carthia?"
"I’m the messenger," he groaned. His boots clomped over the wood floor on his way out.