Did a make a “good enough” use of suspense

[Rodri1999]

im curious how could it be better, im open to suggestions please!!!!
Veil of Deception | Scribble Hub

 

[Simo]

Ngl, reading the title made me question if I was reading english.

 

[Deleted member 113259]

 

[Rodri1999]

Ngl, reading the title made me question if I was reading english.

Yes… i sometimes forget the Did+present verb, Or you mean the title of the story perhaps both? If you meant the title of the story… I’ll comeback later and ask for your opinion! I will change it a bit

View attachment 20929

You are right, i have been struggling a bit with the process of bringing down ideas from my head and creating a text with it, im used to writing non emotional and literal stuff from my job (im a lawyer) but emotional writing is very different… Thank you for your honesty! Ill comeback later with a better version, please give it a try when its done!

 

[C_A_D_M_U_S]

Yes… i sometimes forget the Did+present verb, Or you mean the title of the story perhaps both? If you meant the title of the story… I’ll comeback later and ask for your opinion! I will change it a bit

You are right, i have been struggling a bit with the process of bringing down ideas from my head and creating a text with it, im used to writing non emotional and literal stuff from my job (im a lawyer) but emotional writing is very different… Thank you for your honesty! Ill comeback later with a better version, please give it a try when its done!

I think he/she meant the title of your thread.

im curious how could it be better, im open to suggestions please!!!!
Veil of Deception | Scribble Hub

I'm only going to provide feedback on the suspense aspect of your story since it's what you're asking for.

Is it suspenseful? Short answer is, nope.

You can have a look at this article for tips:

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/tips-for-amplifying-suspense-in-your-writing

Hope it helps

 

[Temple]

You need spacing between paragraphs. It's going to be either spacing or you indent. For webnovels, it's usually spacing. For books, it's indent.
You can't evoke suspense or whatever feeling if the reader sees a wall of text.

I only read the first three paragraphs, but my comment is that for suspense, you can't just have it at the start of a story where we care zero about the characters. I may be wrong, but are you trying an Attack on Titan style opening? That day, the human race remembered...?

If you check chapter 1 of Attack on Titan, there were only one or two pages of that "that day" thing, then it focused on the story. Understandable story. The next lines of dialogue in your chapter 1 are meaningless to me. In contrast, I understand what's going on with Attack on Titan chapter 1 immediately. Also, you're not using dialogue tags. I know there are no dialogue tags in legal writing, so work hard on learning this.

As for too formal writing, I can give a few examples. Like "Our Deity informed us that she could not create new heroes." Probably better to use "revealed" or something. "but this didn't make us lose hope for our potential victory" <- I know what you're trying to say here. You say "potential victory" because they're not sure they'll win, in the same way of "alleged suspect." But fantasy heroes don't talk like that. Just say "we didn't lose hope".

Also, too much ellipses.

 

[MintiLime]

I read it and liked it! I think the formal vs. informal thing depends highly on the type of character you’re portraying.

I feel that the use of formal language makes the hero feel like a lawful good paladin.

Now, other people would most likely have a different tone, like the little girl.

I’ve gotten the same feedback on my story regarding the spacing. I thinks it’s generally accepted that you have to leave spaces- don’t be scared to hit that return button!

I like your portrayal of the hero’s madness. I think the ellipses show how the hero’s thoughts are broken and meandering. Looking forward to reading more!

 

[Rodri1999]

I think he/she meant the title of your thread.

I'm only going to provide feedback on the suspense aspect of your story since it's what you're asking for.

Is it suspenseful? Short answer is, nope.

You can have a look at this article for tips:

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/tips-for-amplifying-suspense-in-your-writing

Hope it helps

I see... i will study that and remake it.

You need spacing between paragraphs. It's going to be either spacing or you indent. For webnovels, it's usually spacing. For books, it's indent.
You can't evoke suspense or whatever feeling if the reader sees a wall of text.

I only read the first three paragraphs, but my comment is that for suspense, you can't just have it at the start of a story where we care zero about the characters. I may be wrong, but are you trying an Attack on Titan style opening? That day, the human race remembered...?

If you check chapter 1 of Attack on Titan, there were only one or two pages of that "that day" thing, then it focused on the story. Understandable story. The next lines of dialogue in your chapter 1 are meaningless to me. In contrast, I understand what's going on with Attack on Titan chapter 1 immediately. Also, you're not using dialogue tags. I know there are no dialogue tags in legal writing, so work hard on learning this.

As for too formal writing, I can give a few examples. Like "Our Deity informed us that she could not create new heroes." Probably better to use "revealed" or something. "but this didn't make us lose hope for our potential victory" <- I know what you're trying to say here. You say "potential victory" because they're not sure they'll win, in the same way of "alleged suspect." But fantasy heroes don't talk like that. Just say "we didn't lose hope".

Also, too much ellipses.

I see... ill take into account what you said! I did not know that about the paragraphs, thanks! I disagree on the ellipses, i will keep those And yeah, dialog tags are hard!

I read it and liked it! I think the formal vs. informal thing depends highly on the type of character you’re portraying.

I feel that the use of formal language makes the hero feel like a lawful good paladin.

Now, other people would most likely have a different tone, like the little girl.

I’ve gotten the same feedback on my story regarding the spacing. I thinks it’s generally accepted that you have to leave spaces- don’t be scared to hit that return button!

I like your portrayal of the hero’s madness. I think the ellipses show how the hero’s thoughts are broken and meandering. Looking forward to reading more!

I read it and liked it! I think the formal vs. informal thing depends highly on the type of character you’re portraying.

I feel that the use of formal language makes the hero feel like a lawful good paladin.

Now, other people would most likely have a different tone, like the little girl.

I’ve gotten the same feedback on my story regarding the spacing. I thinks it’s generally accepted that you have to leave spaces- don’t be scared to hit that return button!

I like your portrayal of the hero’s madness. I think the ellipses show how the hero’s thoughts are broken and meandering. Looking forward to reading more!

You are absolutely right about the girl, how could i have done that!
Yes i now know about using paragraphs!
Yes. I was trying to portrait the hero as slowly becoming psychotic but there are some other reasons for his madness, i think if i learn how to write fiction better it could be a cool story!

 

[Rodri1999]

Its been updated.

Ngl, reading the title made me question if I was reading english.

View attachment 20929

I think he/she meant the title of your thread.

I'm only going to provide feedback on the suspense aspect of your story since it's what you're asking for.

Is it suspenseful? Short answer is, nope.

You can have a look at this article for tips:

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/tips-for-amplifying-suspense-in-your-writing

Hope it helps

You need spacing between paragraphs. It's going to be either spacing or you indent. For webnovels, it's usually spacing. For books, it's indent.
You can't evoke suspense or whatever feeling if the reader sees a wall of text.

I only read the first three paragraphs, but my comment is that for suspense, you can't just have it at the start of a story where we care zero about the characters. I may be wrong, but are you trying an Attack on Titan style opening? That day, the human race remembered...?

If you check chapter 1 of Attack on Titan, there were only one or two pages of that "that day" thing, then it focused on the story. Understandable story. The next lines of dialogue in your chapter 1 are meaningless to me. In contrast, I understand what's going on with Attack on Titan chapter 1 immediately. Also, you're not using dialogue tags. I know there are no dialogue tags in legal writing, so work hard on learning this.

As for too formal writing, I can give a few examples. Like "Our Deity informed us that she could not create new heroes." Probably better to use "revealed" or something. "but this didn't make us lose hope for our potential victory" <- I know what you're trying to say here. You say "potential victory" because they're not sure they'll win, in the same way of "alleged suspect." But fantasy heroes don't talk like that. Just say "we didn't lose hope".

Also, too much ellipses.

I read it and liked it! I think the formal vs. informal thing depends highly on the type of character you’re portraying.

I feel that the use of formal language makes the hero feel like a lawful good paladin.

Now, other people would most likely have a different tone, like the little girl.

I’ve gotten the same feedback on my story regarding the spacing. I thinks it’s generally accepted that you have to leave spaces- don’t be scared to hit that return button!

I like your portrayal of the hero’s madness. I think the ellipses show how the hero’s thoughts are broken and meandering. Looking forward to reading more!

Its been updated, give it a try. If you want to make fun of me, then do, i do not really care hahaha
And i dont think the genre of the story should be suspense, i guess is more like mystery or psychological, not that i know much about that.

 

[MintiLime]

I’ll check out the updated version soon! Remember, you’re doing well. Everyone starts somewhere and you can only get better from here. You made the first step to publish and ask for advice, which is further than many get. Keep your head up and your writing true to your vision!

 

[Rodri1999]

I’ll check out the updated version soon! Remember, you’re doing well. Everyone starts somewhere and you can only get better from here. You made the first step to publish and ask for advice, which is further than many get. Keep your head up and your writing true to your vision!

Thank you very much! Your words are very helpful :)