So... I'm going to leave the feedback here. I have only read the first chapter.
I
personally didn't like it. That doesn't mean other people will not like it. I think you certainly have a popular premise on which you could grow something, but to
me it hasn't grown well. I feel... bored.
The thoughts that are going on in my mind as I'm reading it is...
sure, okay, lots of names, yadda yadda, oh animal. Orc. Forest. Okay... sister on the ground... dream? That was what the chapter felt like to me.
A couple of reasons - first thing is the info dump. You listed the characters, but ... I don't remember what the sister is called, cause you named her only once. Then, you named the parents, and the magic academy. And, it is good because it builds an expectation in me that you will eventually go to do something inside a magic academy. But, the chapter is not about a lesson in the academy, it is about... birthdays? Or the forest?
So, you can see the problem. A lot of information is given right off the bat.
Told, instead of shown. I can't picture what sort of forest it is - is it just a normal forest? A deciduous forest? An evergreen, tropical jungle? An
European ambience Black Forest or the Ardennes? I don't know. All I know is that there is a sister involved, and a soldier shoots an animal by popping out of the bushes in camouflage. It is too sudden!
The voice of the protagonist (Anish?) is nothing too particular. Is he Isekai protagonist number 1897827? Is he timid; is he heroic? At first I thought he is timid. But it turns out he is just... blank? I know he cares about his family, but I cannot distinguish him in the first chapter to be anything other than just yet-another-narrator. And that is not something I
personally like. This could very well be a
me thing, and not be some problem of your writing, but I will err on the side of being a critic and tell you that I would love to read something with more character. A strong voice is always good to read.
And let's get to typography. You did something that really piques my eyes -- dialogue without attribution, and worse, without quotation marks. It is just standard thing. I don't necessarily think dialogues are bad with hyphens, but brackets are something special and have important meaning within the context of quotes.
[
COLLINS DICTIONARY DEFINITION]
Square brackets [ ] - Easy Learning Grammar
Square brackets are used, usually in books and articles, when supplying words that make a quotation clearer or that comment on it, although they were not originally said or written.
- Mr Runcie concluded: ‘The novel is at its strongest when describing the dignity of Cambridge [a slave] and the education of Emily [the daughter of an absentee landlord].’
Or, it is there to attribute something. Personally, I find it jarring. Again, this is a
me thing. But, this is a criticism that I will make. It is jarring enough for me to drop the book.
There are also a couple more things, but I will not go into those unless you wish me to. It's more technical thing than how I felt reading it. So, I will exempt it from this perception feedback.
(EDIT - okay, my other observations were just about the dialogue. I can elaborate further, but I feel bad for being overtly harsh here. I found that the dialogue was the "Butler and the Maid" dialogue, where the it became a bit of "AS YOU KNOW..." "YES. AND AS YOU KNOW..." You are telling the reader things that would otherwise perhaps be in the knowledge of the characters. You could just say "Anish, the oranges! I think the animal may like it!" "Where? Mother sent us oranges?" "Yes, in the picnic basket,")
(Perhaps that is a better way to do the dialogue. It gives the same information but avoids the
as you know part.)
