DAY 2: Posting Everytime I Finish A Chapter Until I Publish.

The_Monarchy

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CHAPTER 2: THE CRIME UNION (LOOKING FOR AN EDITOR NB: I CAN ONLY START PAYING AFTER I START EARNING FROM THE NOVEL. SORRY)

The neon lights brushed against Leon's face; the rain fell from the sky, and as the heavy downpour fell upon his shoulders, it reminded him of the burdens that lay on him, the flashes of Marcus's downward spiral to madness reminded him of his cruelty and that compassion dwindled as he remembered his common phrase "there were no innocents in the crime world". Every action the syndicate took was an action he ordained. Was he going to be afflicted by a curse of power? He looked at the bar that stood like a needle among haystacks. Leon held open the door to enter; he politely took a seat at the corner of the bar. Immediately, the bartender brought him a Kiwi drink and a pumpkin pie. The pie looked delectable; the crust was flaky yet tender. The aroma gently stimulated his olfactory senses, and the cutlery in his hands held a potion that made his mouth water from how flavourful the pie was as he ravaged the pie without remorse. This meal was the only reminder of a man he called family. A man who always endangered his life for the sake of freedom. "I remember when he would eat the pie here like there was no tomorrow," Leon's eyes watered in contrast to his genuine smile as he spoke to himself thoughtfully. The pie reminded the young man of the pleasantries of life.



Unexpectedly, the intergram within Leon's pocket buzzed. Leon whispered, "Accept and secure communication." A small chime arose, indicating a connection. Leon listened to the call from the earpiece he'd worn. "Greetings, boss. The first round of elimination is over. We are proceeding to the next course of action in weeding out young uns unsuitable to handle the syndicate's goal of overhauling the current affairs of the state. Also, Marcus's mind has regressed to accommodate for the traumatic experience he observed in the astral projection, as reported by the medic, Charlotte and Maria's identities have been altered, and they are being transported to The State Of Babel as we speak. Report Ended. Is there a command you need to be relayed to headquarters?" he summarized the current affairs.



After hearing the report, Leon broke into a cold sweat while investigating his surroundings out of habit," Charlie, I need you to undertake a reconnaissance mission on the Advert Crudis and gather info on their track, Anastasia is currently undertaking a similar mission about the Hounds, I suspect an alliance or a ploy by a third party to disrupt our standard operations,"



"Affirmative boss, but… you don't look-"



"I'm fine, Charlie," Leon said in an irritated manner sudden, quickly Leon reflected and apologized," Sorry, I've not been myself lately, after the mission, let us have a drink," Leon solemnly said before getting interrupted by Charlie "Why are you raising death flags so soon, I have not even gotten married, and tabs on you after the mission, See you later brother," Charlie cheekily said before disconnecting the InterCall.



Miles away at a different section of the city, Charlie lay upon his luxurious bed as he peaked through his windows to see the weather from high rise apartment, the gentle snowfall beautifully fell onto the street of Corinth, yet only an expression of pain resided on his face; he glanced at his well-furnished antiques, his clothes, and his cardboard box from a bygone era being held in a showcase as a fair reminder of the life on the streets, long gone where the days where he spread out cardboard box unto the hard pavement as he found solace in his dreams within the wintery cold of Corinth. He remembered his struggle with hypothermia. Some called it the gentle death. He had seen the homeless willingly die from the gentle death instead of grueling hunger from starvation. The hopelessness and unfathomable desperation from all groups of life and all age groups ran rampant across these streets. He had seen the homeless do everything in their power to save abandoned newborn children, just for them to meet their demise one after the other. Without as much as an outcry, the world kept on spinning. His pure hands could not put food on the street; only when one becomes adapts and a practitioner of the ways of the world does one truly qualify to fill themselves.



He snapped himself out of his thoughts to think about Leon's mental state.



"Leon…Brother…I have to send him out after this; all this darkness is taking a toll on him. I have to make my brother achieve his goal of overhauling the current affairs of the state, in the meantime, let me make reservations and get him some downtime after the mission," Charlie amusingly thought as he dialed Anastasia's number on his old intergram to see how preparations were coming up and a candidate capable of being his spiritual successor, yet the InterCall did not go through, "Diligent as always,"



At the forest near the Ibizan Harbour at 3 am, the sky above was filled with dark clouds as the snow fell on the trees, yet there were no city lights near the base. Anastasia stood out of the hound's base; she pulled her coat tighter around herself as small white clouds escaped through her mouth and nose. She pulled her hyper-optic binoculars to observe as she wrote the routine of the hound members on her smart pad. The absence of city lights was not an oversight but a design; each member was to know the terrain by default as a preventive act from the invasion of other crime groups. However, this would lead to their downfall. They had become too comfortable for their own good.



Anastasia checked her watch; its soft blue glow was the only light source for yards around. 2:57- AM. The Hounds' shipment would arrive soon. She tapped the watch twice, activating its built-in comms.



Seekers, status report," she whispered.



"All clear on the north side, ma'am, we are still seeking," Kaelin humored in a low tone.



Behave Kaelin, Retrievers?



"East is secure, no signs of movement,"



"The data has been transferred to headquarters. Update recorded data if any data is unaccounted for," Anastasia whispered to both teams. Everything is in place. This reconnaissance mission was crucial- if there is an alliance between the Hounds, it will occur tonight, according to the data extracted from Marcus. "The shipment is going to be goodnight, and the boss has to know what is inside it," Anastasia emphasized as he re-tied her loose gray hair into a bun like he used to tie it for her. She quickly made her way out of the forest and close to the base's walls, as these guards' rotations took place, to get a view of the shipment location.



As the Aerolift came into Anastasia's view, she marveled at how grand the cargo was, and the model of the Aerolift looked more advanced and sleeker with the shipment being larger and sophisticated, she was finally sure that the Advert Crudis had entered an alliance with the hounds, but who is their supplier? How much influence do they possess, and what's there to gain from all this? All those questions popped into her mind. Unbeknownst to her and the world, the answers lay right under everyone's nose.



A hand clamped over her mouth from behind. In one fluid motion, she gripped her assailant's arm, twisting it sharply as she drove her knee upward. A muffled grunt of pain rewarded her efforts.



Anastasia's fingers closed around the hilt of her concealed blade. In a heartbeat, she spun, the knife arcing towards her attacker's throat—only to freeze mid-strike as recognition dawned.



"Dammit, Kaelin," she hissed, lowering the weapon. "You were a hair's breadth from a severed jugular."

The young man before her—head clean-shaven—doubled over, one hand clutching his groin, the other hovering protectively near his neck.



"Ma'am," Kaelin gasped, "you went dark. No status update. I had to... confirm your safety."



Anastasia was slightly skeptical. But before she could ask questions, the commotion from the harbor grasped her attention. The hovercraft had docked, and figures emerged from the shadows to meet it. Among them was a face Anastasia recognized so well- the leader of the Hounds himself.



"Interesting," Kaelin whispered. "Change is coming,"



Anastasia's mind was in turmoil.



Aside from the head of Advert Crudis and other major players in the crime world, major official personnel and unknown assailants also arrived. This wasn't just a simple alliance as Boss had anticipated- they were forming a crime union. This was far larger than we all assumed.



"Boss Leon has to be informed about this. Our demise might have already taken motion," a panic-stricken Anastasia whispered. She raised her wrist to send a distress message to Leon, but as she tapped the watch, the screen remained dark.



"Jammed," Kaelin said as he attempted to inform headquarters about the newfound intel. "There must be a dampening field"



Anastasia's eyes narrowed. "Then we have to do this the old-fashioned way. Are you up for it, Kaelin?



"Always up for a risky infiltration," said Kaelin as a smile curled on his face.



As they prepared to move, Anastasia couldn't remove the feeling that something was off, but she could not wait to find us out -the fate of the syndicate and perhaps the current state of affairs of Corinth hung in the balance.



Anastasia signaled Kaelin with a nod; they swiftly bypassed the guards at their blind points as they neared the shipment, they snapped the necks of the individuals guarding the shipment within the shipment when the cargo opened where Anastasia and Kaelin were astonished to find weapons and equipment so advanced that it allow arm squadron.



"War," Anastasia and Kaelin said simultaneously.



Anastasia and Kaelin crept along the edge of the shipment and made their way to the meeting; the snow muffled, and the closer they drew to the gathering, the snippets of conversation became audible.



At the conference, the 30' x 30' black marbled room was decorated with murals of the ancient past; the chandeliers illuminated the room with vibrant peach color, and the black chairs were filled with men and women that could shift the balance of the crime world and political world in its entirety.



A robust and ambitious man clothed in red started the conference with a statement that could not be agreed by all that seated there as the subject of the matter was a man that would stop at nothing to take and who was this man that made these prominent figures conflicted- The Leader of the Syndicate Leon.



"Greetings, ladies and gentlemen. We are here to formally consolidate the union, and I believe that to make sure we are undisputed in all of Corinth, there is one organization that has to be wiped out, and that is the Syndicate. The Syndicate has to be snuffed out ever since Leon made his point of being independent. Other groups have taken it as an example and are rebelling against us," the head of the Hounds said vigorously.



Across the circular table, a calm, temperamental old man in the white suit gazed, filled with pity, as he looked at the hound's leader.



"Hans, you are underestimating Leon. He's not to be messed with. The syndicate serves as a deterrent, not a weakness. I believe the wise decision is to take control of weaker crime groups and lure the syndicate into a sense of security while we build our forces and make an offer that he cannot refuse. If that does not work, force will be our last resort," remarked the calm old man. "Let's not forget what he did to the deviants. He is more like his father than I give credit," he murmured under his breath.



"When did we become so cowardly that we have to bargain with an organization that has not been present for three years?" Hans intensely roared.

"Shut up, Hans. Watch your tone around us; we aren't the dogs you rule around these parts," scolded the leader of the Viper. She made it a point to remind him of their position. "We are criminals. We hide, we kill, and we bribe. Most of us reach our status through immoral methods; do not let the taste of power cloud your judgment. Any mistake on our part can lead to our death," said the head of Vipers with a cautionary demeanor.

"Calm down, we are all friends here. This is not the time. Let's cast a vote on whether we attack the syndicate in full force," said the woman in a blue suit.



"Let's the vote begin,"
 

Vnator

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Ngl the writing seems like it needs a lot of work. The description of the pumpkin pie making him cry felt like it came out of nowhere and the reason why was only really half stated, leaving me confused by the end of it. It also felt weird how you went on about how he was super hardened and all of a sudden he just drops the facade before putting it back on. Not to mention the dialogue sounds jilted when describing their actions but also overly descriptive with their motivations, like they're spelling it out in an interview or for the sake of the audience. It doesn't give me a gangster vibe but a bunch of wannabe poets who do crime on the side.

I recommend you find some small writers groups where you can all critique each other's works. Keep writing to improve, I can see the heart in this story and I know you have what it takes to keep growing!

(I hope this didn't come off as overly negative, these are my so-called editing critiques to point you in what direction you can improve. Good luck!)
 

The_Monarchy

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Ngl the writing seems like it needs a lot of work. The description of the pumpkin pie making him cry felt like it came out of nowhere and the reason why was only really half stated, leaving me confused by the end of it. It also felt weird how you went on about how he was super hardened and all of a sudden he just drops the facade before putting it back on. Not to mention the dialogue sounds jilted when describing their actions but also overly descriptive with their motivations, like they're spelling it out in an interview or for the sake of the audience. It doesn't give me a gangster vibe but a bunch of wannabe poets who do crime on the side.

I recommend you find some small writers groups where you can all critique each other's works. Keep writing to improve, I can see the heart in this story and I know you have what it takes to keep growing!

(I hope this didn't come off as overly negative, these are my so-called editing critiques to point you in what direction you can improve. Good luck!)
Thank you very much for the critique, it didn’t come off as negative in any way, it’s better to receive actual criticism on how to improve instead of false praise. I will do my best to improve, I don’t know any writing groups that I can join that can help me with the story.
 
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