Converted my novel to webnov format. Am I going in the right direction?

[AIside]

So I'm crafting this YA novel where I spin what I love from Rick Riordan's excellent first person POV with a scifi story I developed from a game I've been meaning to make (but doesn't have the time to). People that read it love it on paper but feedback on other sites said it's too blocky and tiring to read. I've since trimmed the first two chapters but I'm not sure if it's webnov acceptable now. Hope you guys can take a look and leave honest reviews. :)

Ray Streights & The Blue City’s Fugitive

Ray Streights never asked to be Vluephire Dome’s newest headline. One minute, he was flunking history and failing at gift-giving; the next, he was stabbing a skyscraper-sized mutant mantis with his best friend’s hacked-together laser pen. Now half the city thinks he’s a hero, the Dome President...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 222160]

pretty much

 

[Rookieqw]

Please keep in mind that I'm by far the worst writer around these parts, but one thing that I've noticed is the overuse of the word "like." Your first chapter is under 1 300 words, yet you used "like" around 21 times. Take a curiosity or gaming approach to your chapters; let yourself wonder how you can restructure sentences to maintain the meaning but replace the word.

 

[Cananga]

Linguistically speaking: My gosh, the punctuation need some works. A dot indicate a sentence is over, with the idea already contained in that sentence. Putting too many dots between a single idea is like putting too many speed bumps on a single road. You only slowing your readers trains of thought.

In term of literature: Hmmm how should I said this. Reading up to chapter 4 and I feel like eating pizza with a very thin bread but too many toppings. A nice paragraph telling the setting of the story here and there would be nice. Especially because of its scifi setting. Why bother writing scifi, a genre where the setting is one of its main attraction, if you just skip the setting and pile everything on the characterization.