Check out my story and tell me what you think

[J_Win]

Hello, I am J. Win(my username here is J_Win because for some reason they prohibit period on the username)

I am writing a fiction/story and I would appreciate it if you would check it out. I’ve been uploading chapters on RoyalRoad before but decided to do a mass rewrite and upload chapters on ScribbleHub too.

But before I could go far, I would like to hear what some of you will say regarding it. I’m still new to this so I’m still not confident with my writing and so I need some help from a few strangers.

For those who will check it out, you have my gratitude and to those who dropped it after the prologue, thank you for at least giving a bit of your time!(I understand it’s not everyone’s jam lol)

Lost Soul’s Escapades Volume 1: Genesis

A story of a lost young man who wanders as an empty husk in search of something he lacks. His past became a faded memory after everything he has been through, causing him to lose attachments in everything and his courage to face life. He desperately crawled, using his obsession...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Tsuru]

Tsuru-gordomramsay judge here with my poisonous tongue.

I will try to make it short (hopefully)
Nice motivation and nice tentative. Its "decent"
But overall ? Its quite bad.
But dont be discouraged by my "scoring" bc like you said yourself "you are new" so yeah. I mean, asanagi and other great artists, and some writers all started from newbies right?

Well time to explain
1) Its too serious (maybe)
2) Story try to look cool and edgy (not to say its bad to do that) but there is CLANKINESS like a first time person wielding a sword. Its not smooth and it can be seen. (again bc new writer)
3) Originality is decent i guess
4) The presentation of the text need some working
5) Lack of vocabulary
6) Cover. Change it. Not asking big booby waifu but dont use a GIGA DARK one and teen-try-to-be-edgy-with-glowing-eyes MALE character. Also it can make others misunderstand its HORROR/thriller/ghosts (very unpopular).
Cover is like the first impressions when doing blind date. And well, your case is like having a meh hairstyle that is frown-inducing. "Why this? Its not bad but why?" kind of thing.
7) Summary. Not interesting at all. Also its too oldschool.

Anyway.
My big tip i recently give to any "new writer of SH" that ask a review : Just go read more, especially the ones that you like and feel writing
(i spam my tip bc its the one that is the most effective and also bc lazy to rewrite my 5+ paragraphs long explanations to each user)
Any great man became great by learning more. And writers and artists, all learned first by looking at other people works first.

To summarize, retry after a while. But only after you are sure.
The fact you ask "oppinions" is already a half-foot telling that you (and others) already know you got problems and not so good.
When you are CONFIDANT enough that you can puff out your chest, than yes you should try again.

ps : try reading some series on Scribblehub

 

[CharlesEBrown]

How did you offset the Forward like that? Considering doing something like that for one story if I post it here.

On the subject of the forward, it seems to be kind of talking down to the reader, like a teacher with a slow student. Not sure if that is intentional or what but it can be off-putting. And I think the third bullet point should probably begin with "There may..." not "They may..."

The actual first segment starts out well, with a GREAT opening line but then gets kind of clunky, as if the writer had too many ideas and was in a hurry to get them all down and did not go back and re-read them for clarity. It could definitely benefit from a good editor. Not to mention the character having time to say multiple words and get a spell into effect at faster than the speed of sound (unless the soldiers are using VERY slow bullets) is either problematic or VERY impressive - if the former, the timing needs to be worked on, if the latter, more evidence of "super-speed" would be in order.

And then re-explaining what the character just said about "Anti-mana" gets right back to the "Teacher with slow student" vibe of the intro.

Definitely has a lot of potential here but needs a LOT of polish first.

 

[Avery_Line]

I will critique your blurb.

A story of a lost young man who wanders as an empty husk in search of something he lacks.

You begin with a sentence fragment with the most important information missing: What is his name, and what does he lack?

His past became a faded memory after everything he has been through,

Amnesia is a really tricky cliché to make fresh.

He desperately crawled,

Why is he desperate? I know nothing about this character, and therefore I'm not invested in his desperation.

the young man traveled in hopes to answer the ocean of questions he bears alone,

What are the questions? Scratch that. Focus on one question, what the various answers mean for him personally, and what's in the way of answering them.

hoping that in doing so he will find the courage to face anything. He is fixated in attaining courage so that he can face life and not cower away anymore, which led him to remove what makes him human. The mundaneness of every day, solitude, and his flawed way of attaining courage tired his soul, making him crave death and find excitement in danger, corrupting his soul.

All I know by this point is there is a man. He is young. He is afraid and doesn't want to be. He is lonely. None of those isolated facts tell me a story or give me a hook.

Empty, the young man decided to fight a war that was never his own.

What war? Against whom? Which side should I pull for? Why?

He fought without a reason to, making him break even faster. If he will triumph or succumb is up to him and how he will attain courage.

Why should I care if he triumphs or succumbs? Because he is the MC? That alone is not enough.

 

[J_Win]

Tsuru-gordomramsay judge here with my poisonous tongue.

I will try to make it short (hopefully)
Nice motivation and nice tentative. Its "decent"
But overall ? Its quite bad.
But dont be discouraged by my "scoring" bc like you said yourself "you are new" so yeah. I mean, asanagi and other great artists, and some writers all started from newbies right?

Well time to explain
1) Its too serious (maybe)
2) Story try to look cool and edgy (not to say its bad to do that) but there is CLANKINESS like a first time person wielding a sword. Its not smooth and it can be seen. (again bc new writer)
3) Originality is decent i guess
4) The presentation of the text need some working
5) Lack of vocabulary
6) Cover. Change it. Not asking big booby waifu but dont use a GIGA DARK one and teen-try-to-be-edgy-with-glowing-eyes MALE character. Also it can make others misunderstand its HORROR/thriller/ghosts (very unpopular).
Cover is like the first impressions when doing blind date. And well, your case is like having a meh hairstyle that is frown-inducing. "Why this? Its not bad but why?" kind of thing.
7) Summary. Not interesting at all. Also its too oldschool.

Anyway.
My big tip i recently give to any "new writer of SH" that ask a review : Just go read more, especially the ones that you like and feel writing
(i spam my tip bc its the one that is the most effective and also bc lazy to rewrite my 5+ paragraphs long explanations to each user)
Any great man became great by learning more. And writers and artists, all learned first by looking at other people works first.

To summarize, retry after a while. But only after you are sure.
The fact you ask "oppinions" is already a half-foot telling that you (and others) already know you got problems and not so good.
When you are CONFIDANT enough that you can puff out your chest, than yes you should try again.

ps : try reading some series on Scribblehub

Aigh thanks. I can see most of the things that you pointed out and appreciated it

Though as for the cover it's intentional. Might change it if I have the enough money again
Aigh thanks. I can see most of the things that you pointed out and appreciated it



Though as for the cover it's intentional. Might change it if I have the enough money again

I will critique your blurb.

You begin with a sentence fragment with the most important information missing: What is his name, and what does he lack?

Amnesia is a really tricky cliché to make fresh.


Why is he desperate? I know nothing about this character, and therefore I'm not invested in his desperation.

What are the questions? Scratch that. Focus on one question, what the various answers mean for him personally, and what's in the way of answering them.


All I know by this point is there is a man. He is young. He is afraid and doesn't want to be. He is lonely. None of those isolated facts tell me a story or give me a hook.


What war? Against whom? Which side should I pull for? Why?



Why should I care if he triumphs or succumbs? Because he is the MC? That alone is not enough.

Thanks for pointing that out

I will critique your blurb.

You begin with a sentence fragment with the most important information missing: What is his name, and what does he lack?

Amnesia is a really tricky cliché to make fresh.


Why is he desperate? I know nothing about this character, and therefore I'm not invested in his desperation.

What are the questions? Scratch that. Focus on one question, what the various answers mean for him personally, and what's in the way of answering them.


All I know by this point is there is a man. He is young. He is afraid and doesn't want to be. He is lonely. None of those isolated facts tell me a story or give me a hook.


What war? Against whom? Which side should I pull for? Why?



Why should I care if he triumphs or succumbs? Because he is the MC? That alone is not enough.

Thanks for pointing those out. I just realized how lackluster it is because of this. Thank you for the time you lent to this

How did you offset the Forward like that? Considering doing something like that for one story if I post it here.

On the subject of the forward, it seems to be kind of talking down to the reader, like a teacher with a slow student. Not sure if that is intentional or what but it can be off-putting. And I think the third bullet point should probably begin with "There may..." not "They may..."

The actual first segment starts out well, with a GREAT opening line but then gets kind of clunky, as if the writer had too many ideas and was in a hurry to get them all down and did not go back and re-read them for clarity. It could definitely benefit from a good editor. Not to mention the character having time to say multiple words and get a spell into effect at faster than the speed of sound (unless the soldiers are using VERY slow bullets) is either problematic or VERY impressive - if the former, the timing needs to be worked on, if the latter, more evidence of "super-speed" would be in order.

And then re-explaining what the character just said about "Anti-mana" gets right back to the "Teacher with slow student" vibe of the intro.

Definitely has a lot of potential here but needs a LOT of polish first.

Thank you for your well-thought feedback, good sir

 

[Avery_Line]

Thanks for pointing those out. I just realized how lackluster it is because of this. Thank you for the time you lent to this

No problem, good luck with the story!