Care to comment on this synopsis?

[davimai]

Feel free to improve it if you wish. I've tried to be succinct but I feel it lacks some punch.
Why is the Mercedes so specific? Because I thought that would inform potential readers that the story is set in modern times :-)

Alice always knew she was special, but not in a good way. Her secret blood lust makes for an awkward adolescence to say the least. Now a teen romance threatens to release the demons she's worked so hard to lock up. Worse, someone is always watching her from a curb crawling black Mercedes. When an assassin attacks, Alice and her first love flee their small town, and the world tilts to reveal who she really is and what she's destined for.

 

[Racosharko]

Why is the Mercedes so specific? Because I thought that would inform potential readers that the story is set in modern times

Curious. Why not just car? Do you particularly like Mercedes?

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Feel free to improve it if you wish. I've tried to be succinct but I feel it lacks some punch.
Why is the Mercedes so specific? Because I thought that would inform potential readers that the story is set in modern times :-)

Alice always knew she was special, but not in a good way. Her secret blood lust makes for an awkward adolescence to say the least. Now a teen romance threatens to release the demons she's worked so hard to lock up. Worse, someone is always watching her from a curb crawling black Mercedes. When an assassin attacks, Alice and her first love flee their small town, and the world tilts to reveal who she really is and what she's destined for.

The tense is uneven.
Maybe more like:
"Alice knew she was different, driven by an occasional bloodlust that, among other things, made her adolescence even more awkward.
Now, as a new romance threatens to unleash her inner demons, she finds she seems to be under constant surveillance.
Worse yet, someone is trying to kill either her or her new lover, forcing them to flee for their lives.
But is the assassin more dangerous than the truth of who she really is, or the destiny that awaits her?"

 

[davimai]

Curious. Why not just car? Do you particularly like Mercedes?

good question. In the story its government vehicle, so has to be flash :-) but that doesn't matter for the synopsis I suppose. Although that type of car does lend a little more intrigue perhaps? ie. Whoever is stalking her, has money, and isn't some average dude in a Toyota :-)

 

[CharlesEBrown]

good question. In the story its government vehicle, so has to be flash :-) but that doesn't matter for the synopsis I suppose. Although that type of car does lend a little more intrigue perhaps? ie. Whoever is stalking her, has money, and isn't some average dude in a Toyota :-)

I would say either leave it completely vague as to how she's being watched or keep the black Mercedes reference if the specific car actually means something.

 

[Racosharko]

government vehicle, so has to be flash

A black nondescript, "can't quite place" car is more sinister and foreboding. IMO

 

[StoneInky]

Feel free to improve it if you wish. I've tried to be succinct but I feel it lacks some punch.
Why is the Mercedes so specific? Because I thought that would inform potential readers that the story is set in modern times :-)

Alice always knew she was special, but not in a good way. Her secret blood lust makes for an awkward adolescence to say the least. Now a teen romance threatens to release the demons she's worked so hard to lock up. Worse, someone is always watching her from a curb crawling black Mercedes. When an assassin attacks, Alice and her first love flee their small town, and the world tilts to reveal who she really is and what she's destined for.

I don't think it's bad, but split into multiple paragraphs to make it more readable. Your synopsis does not need to be one big lump of text.