Writing Can You Check This Excerpt?

[Discount_Blade]

I'm sort of not terribly confident in my fight-scene writing skills. I'm better at writing one-on-one's I think, specifically between human/humanoid foes. When it comes to one versus many or one versus a four-legged animal/monster, my confidence plummets and I'm always self-conscious.

Can I leave a short excerpt and you guys tell me if it seems sufficient enough?




It didn’t take him long to find targets. A pack of five Dark Wildcats, none higher than level 5 were a bit further up the street he was on, two of them pawing a stray empty soda can as if playing with it or investigating what it might be. It was something a normal house cat would do, but Nath spent no time trying to normalize the large purplish cat monsters.

They caught onto his presence long before he closed the distance himself. All of them as one began to fan out and form a ring around him as he approached, all of them growling and snarling. His gauntlets materialized and without a further thought, threw himself at the one Dark Wildcat directly in front of him. Apparently, none of the monsters had expected him to attack first. He managed to draw first blood when he hit the monster right in the nose eliciting a yelp of pain as it was practically flattened to the asphalt ground. Nath aimed down intent on ground-pounding the beast when another to his left leaped for him. He ducked just in time for the creature to sail by him, and then spin to bash a third one out of the air as it leaped for him too. It landed hard, whimpering and then Nath threw himself at the next of the monsters to jump at him.

He caught it in mid-air, his arms gripping its mid-section while it snapped and snarled trying to bite his face. With a great heave, he body-slammed the beast which seemed to stun it momentarily, allowing Nath to pick it back up and sling it like a heavy projectile at the next of it’s kind trying to sneak attack him from behind. They collided and went sprawling.

The monsters changed tactics almost immediately. They came at him in two’s and three’s leaving him unable to pick them off one by one like he was trying to before. So Nath used his dexterity, which while lacking in compared to the rest of his stats, was still sufficient to assist him in avoiding the creatures when they struck.

When they charged him in a small group of two or three, he slipped around them, and attacked one of the other one or two that tried to ambush him from separate angles. He killed the first of them, battering it to the ground just in time to roll to the side of another as it came barreling at him, teeth bared and howling in primal rage.

Fists raised and guard up, he closed in with them once more, punching them back down when they tried to overtake him with numerical force. He tossed an occasional kick when they tried nipping at his legs to unbalance him. His clash with them migrated across the road and into the yard of another house as he backed away and gave ground even as he battered them knocking out long sharp teeth and leaving at least one limping even as it came at him again.

One took to the air again as it leaped at him and Nath’s boot planted right into it’s center brought it back down to earth again but another of them managed to get around his guard and bite down on his right gauntlet along the forearm. He jerked and pulled but it had him in a tight grip, its animal eyes beginning to show what Nath deciphered as bloody-minded desperation.

The other two still free came at him again with a howl and he managed to backhand one to the side where it slammed down hard before the other one collided with him head on sending them both to the ground. For a moment it was a struggle, the one on top of him trying to scratch and claw at him while the other tried to continue restraining his right arm still locked in it’s teeth.

The struggle ended quickly enough however. With Strength being Nath’s highest stat by a certain amount, it didn’t take him long to wrench his arm free. The one still on top of him, it’s breath emanating from it’s snarling jaws as a thick and awful odor, suddenly gave only a final, finite yelp when he wrapped his hands around it’s head and twisted, snapping it’s neck and ending its fight once and for all. Two down, three to go.

The other three seemed to be more wary of him now as they once again fanned out forming something of a triangle formation around him. They weren’t going to quit now however. They charged him again, and Nath dodged the first, landing a kick in it’s side that he used to propel him into the second attacker which he easily wrestled to the ground and killed with unrelenting force behind a powerful fist that seemed to shatter its skull into shards.

 

[Queenfisher]

Sufficient for what?

To elicit tension? To show off his prowess and smart usage of skills? To pump up the blood? To give a breakdown of how he tends to fight similar foes? To show off his character? To be epic? To be cinematographic? To show off your style or to focus on content? To develop your writing skill? To be original and innovative, or something else?

Explain what you want it to achieve because depending on your answer, the reply would differ. Overall, your scene is fine because I have no idea what specific response you want to get.

I like the tactics, the general direction, and the game mechanics explanations. I think it's a bit too wordy and slow at times, but that is subjective so I cannot speak how it would work for others.

But if you want some small fight-scene writing pointers in particular (hyping up tension+snappiness+pumping action), then I can give you some -- but I'm not even sure what you're looking for, so I'll just lump all of them in one go. You decide what suits you or not.

Spoiler: SNIP

For general fighting scene snappiness, many people shorten sentences to hype up the rhythm and cadence reflecting the battle mode of thinking. Plus they remove repetitions and take care of too lengthy/too irrelevant Inner Monologue because it distracts from the action. All my edit suggestions incorporate those in case you would like to see what would change (or if it even would) if you apply this advice. I'll mark my edits in orange.

___________

It didn’t take him long to find targets. A pack of five Dark Wildcats, none higher than level 5 were (choose an active verb instead of "were", like "prowled, stalked, etc) a bit further up (too unconfident, therefore weak-sounding for a fight scene, just use "down the street") the street he was on, (it's clear they're in the vicinity because he is able to see them, so remove all Filter Constructions like these because they stall the action) two of them pawing a stray empty soda can as if playing with it or investigating what it might be. (I'd break that sentence into two: first talks about 5 Wildcats. The second about what they do, but I would incorporate the following sentence into this one as well. Something like: "Two pawed a stray empty soda can the way any house cat would". Because it would get rid of the passive construction "It was something..." that follows and gives a more conversational, snappy feel) It was something a normal house cat would do, but Nath spent no time trying to normalize the large purplish cat monsters.

(This last phrase uses: a) repetition of the word "normal" from before (avoid repetitions in fight scenes because they slow down the pace), b) has a confusing structure. It's unclear whether Nath spent no time in order to normalize the monsters (and succeeded), or didn't even bother to try. Overall, it sounds a bit clunky and can be played around with something more casual instead. Like his direct thought bubble of: "Good grief, Nath. Are you really busy imagining these purple cat monstrosities as cuddly cats right now?" Or something like: "The comparison was unwelcome seeing as Nath was going to stuff these "house cats" with lead/steel the very next moment").

They caught onto his presence long before (repetition of "long" from the first paragraph. Too close to each other to be totally unnoticeable. Plus breaks up the pace because "long before" implies slowing down. Think if you need it here or not) he closed the distance himself. All of them as one (clunk. Just use "they" or "Wildcats". Nouns or simple pronouns are much better during a fight scene then complex pronoun constructions) began to fan out and form (Generally avoid "began to" in a fight scene as it slows the pace down to a crawl, implying uninitiated action. Would sound much better as "They fanned out to form a ring..." as it both implies the action already happening and the starting phase of it) a ring around him as he approached, all of them growling and snarling.

(I would break up this action into a separate sentence or if you want to keep it in the same sentence -- maybe use a better construction like: "They fanned out to form a ring around him as he approached, their growls and snarls filling the air.) (Also, here, I would break up the paragraph since in action, it's best if it goes 1 paragraph = 1 side's action or sequence of actions. Since you described the wildcats here, better split to shift the attention of the reader appropriately).

His gauntlets materialized (this word is a bit wordy for a fight scene, although not that bad. Just usually, for fights, Anglo-Saxon words rule over Latin-based ones because Latin ones feel and sound slower and more academic. "His gauntlet snapped onto/around his arm", or something of the sort would work better) and without a further thought, (Weird Syntax. Did the gauntlet threw at the Wildcat or did Nath? Plus, "threw himself" is a bit wordy because of the "himself" pronoun. Words like "he lunged", "he rammed", "he rushed" would work better for pacing) threw himself at the one Dark Wildcat directly in front of him. (Too wordy. Just write "at the closest/nearest Wildcat") Apparently, (Adjectives in a fight need to be very precise, and this one isn't and is very wordy. Just say, "Funny, but none of the monsters...") none of the monsters had expected him to attack first. He managed to draw first blood ("he drew first blood" sounds better because if he did, it's obvious he did manage to do it, but you skip the wordy construction this way. Also, "first blood" is repeated very close to the "expected him to attack first")) when he hit the monster right in the nose eliciting a yelp of pain as it was practically flattened to the asphalt ground.

(Split paragraphs around here, plus that sentence is too wordy and needs a break in the middle. "He drew blood when his fist slammed the monster right in the muzzle, wrenching a pained yelp out of it". "Elicit" is too academic and wordy, better changed to Anglo-Saxon "wrenched, drew out, etc". "Yelp of pain" is two nouns with a preposition in the middle, which is too wordy when it can be just changed for a better-flowing "pained yelp". Syntax is weird in the second half of the sentence. "Hit the monster eliciting a yelp" implies simultaneous action. But so does "yelp as it was flattened" because "as" as a conjunction always implies simultaneity. Thus, it sounds as though all three actions happened at the same time which is hard to process correctly. Better break the sentence here into a separate: "The beast rammed into the ground, nearly flattened into the asphalt". "Practically" is too wordy and better exchanged for Anglo-Saxon "nearly, almost").

Nath aimed down intent on ground-pounding the beast when another to his left leaped for him. He ducked just in time for the creature to sail by him ("Sail" is too romantic and languid-sounding for this. "for the creature to shoot by" or "for the creature to sweep by" would sound not as charmingly) , and then spin to bash a third one out of the air as it leaped for him too (Unclear why is "spin" in the present tense. Is it talking about the creature that sailed by him? Or about Nath? If about Nath, then it's "spun"). It landed hard ("Landed hard" = "crashed"), whimpering and then (You overuse "and then", and so close to each other. Just split the sentence here for better flow) Nath threw himself at the next of the monsters to jump at him.

_____________________________________

Here's how the edits on the 2 above paragraphs I suggested would look like in the actual scene for demonstration:

It didn’t take him long to find targets. A pack of five Dark Wildcats, none higher than level 5 prowled further up the street. Two pawed a stray empty soda can the way any house cat would, curious, even careless. Yet the comparison was unwelcome right before he had to kill them, so Nath shook it off.

They caught onto his presence even before he closed the distance. Bending toward the ground, the purple Wildcat monsters fanned out to form a ring around him as he approached, their snarls and growls grim in the air. Feral eyes flashed as the cats took him in. Saliva ran down their mouths making him wince just from imagining any of those huge, razor-sharp teeth connecting with his flesh.

His gauntlets snapped onto his arms, and without a further thought, he lunged forward.

Funny yet none of the monsters had expected him to attack first.

Good. This split-second delay was their mistake.

He drew blood when he smashed his fist right in the muzzle of the nearest monster, wrenching out its pained yelp. A deep, loud crunch of bones and flesh filled Nath's ears, pumping up his pulse. The beast rammed backward and into the ground, nearly flattened on the asphalt. Nath aimed down intent on ground-pounding the poor wretch when another to his left leaped for him.

He ducked -- just in time for the creature to shoot by. Blood rushing to his head, he spun to bash a third one out of the air as it sprang at him next. Another meaty punch, and the beast crashed down, whimpering, all its teeth caved into its skull. But Nath had no time to notice -- he already threw himself at the next of the monsters that jumped at him.

It's not to say this is better. In many ways, it's worse because my example focuses on emotional perceptions rather than tactics -- thus making it a question of personal preference. And of course you are free to ignore any of the suggestions. It's simply to demonstrate how the tension can be emphasized or flow can be sped up if you want to.

As for your question of what's sufficient... For any battle scene, I guess it'd be:

1) sense of danger (however minuscule because some things can always go wrong. Just him noticing their sharp teeth is enough as a setup for potential threat if something (god forbid) goes wrong),

2) sense of character's competence (write more about how awesome and devastating his fighting effect IS. More graphic descriptions of the damage he does, caving in skulls, snapping bones, blood spraying him, etc),

3) winks at the reader's intelligence and the MC's (make him comment on the fact that monsters did not expect him to attack first by giving his wording a bit of "Keikaku Dori" flair. That shows he takes note of such small details and appreciates tactical advantage and is satisfying for the readers),

4) fast pace -- try to make it seem like a fight and not like a recount of a fight. More strong, snappy verbs. Fewer adverbs (or at least fewer Latin-based ones),

5) no fancy sentence constructions because they would invariably slow the pace down.

Hope this helps...

...

 

[Discount_Blade]

Sufficient for what?

To elicit tension? To show off his prowess and smart usage of skills? To pump up the blood? To give a breakdown of how he tends to fight similar foes? To show off his character? To be epic? To be cinematographic? To show off your style or to focus on content? To develop your writing skill? To be original and innovative, or something else?

Explain what you want it to achieve because depending on your answer, the reply would differ. Overall, your scene is fine because I have no idea what specific response you want to get.

I like the tactics, the general direction, and the game mechanics explanations. I think it's a bit too wordy and slow at times, but that is subjective so I cannot speak how it would work for others.

But if you want some small fight-scene writing pointers in particular (hyping up tension+snappiness+pumping action), then I can give you some -- but I'm not even sure what you're looking for, so I'll just lump all of them in one go. You decide what suits you or not.

Spoiler: SNIP

For general fighting scene snappiness, many people shorten sentences to hype up the rhythm and cadence reflecting the battle mode of thinking. Plus they remove repetitions and take care of too lengthy/too irrelevant Inner Monologue because it distracts from the action. All my edit suggestions incorporate those in case you would like to see what would change (or if it even would) if you apply this advice. I'll mark my edits in orange.

___________

It didn’t take him long to find targets. A pack of five Dark Wildcats, none higher than level 5 were (choose an active verb instead of "were", like "prowled, stalked, etc) a bit further up (too unconfident, therefore weak-sounding for a fight scene, just use "down the street") the street he was on, (it's clear they're in the vicinity because he is able to see them, so remove all Filter Constructions like these because they stall the action) two of them pawing a stray empty soda can as if playing with it or investigating what it might be. (I'd break that sentence into two: first talks about 5 Wildcats. The second about what they do, but I would incorporate the following sentence into this one as well. Something like: "Two pawed a stray empty soda can the way any house cat would". Because it would get rid of the passive construction "It was something..." that follows and gives a more conversational, snappy feel) It was something a normal house cat would do, but Nath spent no time trying to normalize the large purplish cat monsters.

(This last phrase uses: a) repetition of the word "normal" from before (avoid repetitions in fight scenes because they slow down the pace), b) has a confusing structure. It's unclear whether Nath spent no time in order to normalize the monsters (and succeeded), or didn't even bother to try. Overall, it sounds a bit clunky and can be played around with something more casual instead. Like his direct thought bubble of: "Good grief, Nath. Are you really busy imagining these purple cat monstrosities as cuddly cats right now?" Or something like: "The comparison was unwelcome seeing as Nath was going to stuff these "house cats" with lead/steel the very next moment").

They caught onto his presence long before (repetition of "long" from the first paragraph. Too close to each other to be totally unnoticeable. Plus breaks up the pace because "long before" implies slowing down. Think if you need it here or not) he closed the distance himself. All of them as one (clunk. Just use "they" or "Wildcats". Nouns or simple pronouns are much better during a fight scene then complex pronoun constructions) began to fan out and form (Generally avoid "began to" in a fight scene as it slows the pace down to a crawl, implying uninitiated action. Would sound much better as "They fanned out to form a ring..." as it both implies the action already happening and the starting phase of it) a ring around him as he approached, all of them growling and snarling.

(I would break up this action into a separate sentence or if you want to keep it in the same sentence -- maybe use a better construction like: "They fanned out to form a ring around him as he approached, their growls and snarls filling the air.) (Also, here, I would break up the paragraph since in action, it's best if it goes 1 paragraph = 1 side's action or sequence of actions. Since you described the wildcats here, better split to shift the attention of the reader appropriately).

His gauntlets materialized (this word is a bit wordy for a fight scene, although not that bad. Just usually, for fights, Anglo-Saxon words rule over Latin-based ones because Latin ones feel and sound slower and more academic. "His gauntlet snapped onto/around his arm", or something of the sort would work better) and without a further thought, (Weird Syntax. Did the gauntlet threw at the Wildcat or did Nath? Plus, "threw himself" is a bit wordy because of the "himself" pronoun. Words like "he lunged", "he rammed", "he rushed" would work better for pacing) threw himself at the one Dark Wildcat directly in front of him. (Too wordy. Just write "at the closest/nearest Wildcat") Apparently, (Adjectives in a fight need to be very precise, and this one isn't and is very wordy. Just say, "Funny, but none of the monsters...") none of the monsters had expected him to attack first. He managed to draw first blood ("he drew first blood" sounds better because if he did, it's obvious he did manage to do it, but you skip the wordy construction this way. Also, "first blood" is repeated very close to the "expected him to attack first")) when he hit the monster right in the nose eliciting a yelp of pain as it was practically flattened to the asphalt ground.

(Split paragraphs around here, plus that sentence is too wordy and needs a break in the middle. "He drew blood when his fist slammed the monster right in the muzzle, wrenching a pained yelp out of it". "Elicit" is too academic and wordy, better changed to Anglo-Saxon "wrenched, drew out, etc". "Yelp of pain" is two nouns with a preposition in the middle, which is too wordy when it can be just changed for a better-flowing "pained yelp". Syntax is weird in the second half of the sentence. "Hit the monster eliciting a yelp" implies simultaneous action. But so does "yelp as it was flattened" because "as" as a conjunction always implies simultaneity. Thus, it sounds as though all three actions happened at the same time which is hard to process correctly. Better break the sentence here into a separate: "The beast rammed into the ground, nearly flattened into the asphalt". "Practically" is too wordy and better exchanged for Anglo-Saxon "nearly, almost").

Nath aimed down intent on ground-pounding the beast when another to his left leaped for him. He ducked just in time for the creature to sail by him ("Sail" is too romantic and languid-sounding for this. "for the creature to shoot by" or "for the creature to sweep by" would sound not as charmingly) , and then spin to bash a third one out of the air as it leaped for him too (Unclear why is "spin" in the present tense. Is it talking about the creature that sailed by him? Or about Nath? If about Nath, then it's "spun"). It landed hard ("Landed hard" = "crashed"), whimpering and then (You overuse "and then", and so close to each other. Just split the sentence here for better flow) Nath threw himself at the next of the monsters to jump at him.

_____________________________________

Here's how the edits on the 2 above paragraphs I suggested would look like in the actual scene for demonstration:

It didn’t take him long to find targets. A pack of five Dark Wildcats, none higher than level 5 prowled further up the street. Two pawed a stray empty soda can the way any house cat would, curious, even careless. Yet the comparison was unwelcome right before he had to kill them, so Nath shook it off.

They caught onto his presence even before he closed the distance. Bending toward the ground, the purple Wildcat monsters fanned out to form a ring around him as he approached, their snarls and growls grim in the air. Feral eyes flashed as the cats took him in. Saliva ran down their mouths making him wince just from imagining any of those huge, razor-sharp teeth connecting with his flesh.

His gauntlets snapped onto his arms, and without a further thought, he lunged forward.

Funny yet none of the monsters had expected him to attack first.

Good. This split-second delay was their mistake.

He drew blood when he smashed his fist right in the muzzle of the nearest monster, wrenching out its pained yelp. A deep, loud crunch of bones and flesh filled Nath's ears, pumping up his pulse. The beast rammed backward and into the ground, nearly flattened on the asphalt. Nath aimed down intent on ground-pounding the poor wretch when another to his left leaped for him.

He ducked -- just in time for the creature to shoot by. Blood rushing to his head, he spun to bash a third one out of the air as it sprang at him next. Another meaty punch, and the beast crashed down, whimpering, all its teeth caved into its skull. But Nath had no time to notice -- he already threw himself at the next of the monsters that jumped at him.

It's not to say this is better. In many ways, it's worse because my example focuses on emotional perceptions rather than tactics -- thus making it a question of personal preference. And of course you are free to ignore any of the suggestions. It's simply to demonstrate how the tension can be emphasized or flow can be sped up if you want to.

As for your question of what's sufficient... For any battle scene, I guess it'd be:

1) sense of danger (however minuscule because some things can always go wrong. Just him noticing their sharp teeth is enough as a setup for potential threat if something (god forbid) goes wrong),

2) sense of character's competence (write more about how awesome and devastating his fighting effect IS. More graphic descriptions of the damage he does, caving in skulls, snapping bones, blood spraying him, etc),

3) winks at the reader's intelligence and the MC's (make him comment on the fact that monsters did not expect him to attack first by giving his wording a bit of "Keikaku Dori" flair. That shows he takes note of such small details and appreciates tactical advantage and is satisfying for the readers),

4) fast pace -- try to make it seem like a fight and not like a recount of a fight. More strong, snappy verbs. Fewer adverbs (or at least fewer Latin-based ones),

5) no fancy sentence constructions because they would invariably slow the pace down.

Hope this helps...

So all in all, you believe I lacked an emotional aspect to the fight?

 

[ArcanePunkster]

Is it for a LitRPG? If so then most of my concerns are null and void. If not, then I would suggest taking out sentences talking about Nath's strength and dexterity and replace with an action that he's performing. For instance, when you talk about his strength stat towards the end, I would have personally written...

With immense strength/force he wrenched his arm free from the creature's jaw staggering its centre body mass

And what I have found from previous experiences when writing fight scenes readers don't seem to like it when you describe a fight scene in too much detail unless absolutely necessary. A lot of people I've spoken to about it like it when it's snappy and gets to the point without losing that sense of direction.

Then again it comes down to opinion there are those love detailed fight scenes and others that don't. The best advice I can give is posting what you're most comfortable with then add a poll or ask your readers to write in the comments to get a general idea of what your readers think then go from there.

 

[Queenfisher]

So all in all, you believe I lacked an emotional aspect to the fight?

I don't believe anything. That's simply how I take my fight scenes and what, generally, people in writing circles advise the others to look out for. To immerse and to pump the reader's blood up.

But that's just one way to write a fight scene. There are others, and the workshop way is usually geared toward tradpub, so that shows in their advice. Sorry, but I had no idea what your question meant "Is it sufficient?" because it's super vague, so I answered it the way any of my workshop people would -- offering edits since that would give you all the freedom to decide what suffices for you and what doesn't.

But personally -- yeah, maybe. I did not feel immersed in Nath's head. I felt distanced from him , + the sense of urgency suffered for my perception. It's a fine scene, just not hyping itself up as much as it could.

 

[Temple]

If you meant our impressions on that, my personal impression is that it's too wordy and gets a feeling of slowness I guess? Which then means that there's no tension really, it's more a narration of something routine for him than an actual fight. Are those mobs supposed to be way weaker than him? Then I think you can add more to the narration to make this a more mundane fight? If this is supposed to be a more like life or death situation then the usual advices for fight scenes then like the other commenters have said.

 

[Razmatazz]

So all in all, you believe I lacked an emotional aspect to the fight?

I agree with this sentiment, but it is subjective as I also try to write with emotionality. Your writing is good, the scene played out fluidly for sure so this post is just a personal opinion from here on out!

What I personally want to know during the fight most is, does he feel? Nath is doing things, but does he feel anything while doing them? Is he afraid? Does he not mind hurting and killing? Does it make him happy, sad? Is he scared when they notice him, or is he arrogant and self-confident before the fight starts? What's his demeanor, his mood and goal? Do the hard punches and kicks hurt his fists and legs?

Whatabout the wild-cats? Do they care if the others of their pack are hurt? They show signs of using predatory tactics and formations, so do they communicate or is it just implied body language and instinct?

I love depth! I feel you can afford to go deeper

 

[JaxCreation]

A lot of people I've spoken to about it like it when it's snappy and gets to the point without losing that sense of direction.

I'd say that's probably because short, snappy sentences create more tension and a faster pace. Longer sentences make a scene seem slower and mundane. Alternating between short and long generates suspense because it emphasises specific actions/sentences.

Can I leave a short excerpt and you guys tell me if it seems sufficient enough?

As Queenfisher said, it depends on what you're aiming for in the scene. Are you trying to ellicit anything in particular from the readers or just demonstrate your MC's stats/capabilities?

So all in all, you believe I lacked an emotional aspect to the fight?

Personally, I think you've just got a lot of actions strung together in each sentence and a lot of wordy detail bogging down the 'excitement'.

If you split up the longer sentences and cut some of the extra by using more emotive verbs/phrases, you could create more tension.

Spoiler: Example

With a howl, the other two came at him again.

He backhanded one and it hit the ground down hard. There was no time to react to the other. It collided with him, sending them both sprawling to the ground. The wildcat snapped and clawed at his face as he held it back, but with his arm still restrained by the first wildcat, Nath found himself pinned.

The struggle didn't last long - after all, Strength was Nath's highest stat. He wrenched his arm free, wrapped his hands around the throat of the wildcat trying to chew off his face, and twisted. Its neck snapped.

Two down, three to go.

He got back to his feet and eyed the remaining enemies. They'd fanned around him in a triangular formation, seemingly wary of his next move.

(Mind this is just how I write, so it may not necessarily work for you/your purposes.)

(And I'm sorry for being that person, but it's [its] when it's a possessive pronoun. [It's] is "it is". Also, "twos" and "threes" don't need apostrophes either. T-T )

 

[Eleven_M.A.]

I don't know the context so, tbh, it's hard to say anything concrete. I feel we actually need to know a bit more about your story and the circumstances of the fight to give you more meaningful feedback.

I'd say that's probably because short, snappy sentences create more tension and a faster pace. Longer sentences make a scene seem slower and mundane. Alternating between short and long generates suspense because it emphasises specific actions/sentences.

This very much. The golden rule of action scenes is: Each individual action deserves its own paragraph.

To elaborate on it a bit more: This short, snappy action style is rooted in our psychology. If you ever were in a fight or other dangerous situation, you might have noticed that your perception changed. A lot of details get blurred out as your mind concentrates only on the essential stuff. Things get split into small, concise pieces of information. You miss the wider context, but you can see things like single moves or actions with great clarity - which helps you react to them.

A short, snappy style in which each action gets its own paragraph makes it look like your character feels they're in danger. It creates tension because your character sounds tense. In your fight scene, I don't feel like your character is tense at all - he fights at his leisure, so to speak. Which is not necessarily a bad thing: If this is just a meaningless grind fight that your character can't lose, it's only natural that he sounds unimpressed.

Also, as a cat person, I have to say these are the most dog-like felines I've seen in a long time ? Which, again, is not a bad thing, especially if it's a LitRPG. If they're following a script, it makes a lot of sense.

When it comes to one versus many or one versus a four-legged animal/monster, my confidence plummets and I'm always self-conscious.

For all its faults, I recommend Conan: Exiles as a bit of research. It has fantastic beast enemies who act in a very animal fashion. You get to see what it's like to fight an alligator, an ape, a canine, a feline and a snake, among other things. Each of them acts very, very different and requires different tactics.