Can u give me some feedback for my 1st chapter? :)

[OswaldoCAU]

Hey! I'm an amateur author, and I've never had a review of my story before. I'm trying to write something good and original. It's called ALBA, and I have the story very well planned from beginning to end. I just need some feedback to see what I can improve.

This is the poster btw (What are your first impressions upon seeing it?)

I don't know what your first impressions were, but it's a light novel that I'd like to adapt into a manga later. It's an urban fantasy with a mature shonen twist.

I wanted to create a story with realistic characters, although, being an anime, their personalities are sometimes exaggerated. I'd like to hear your opinions, and if you decide to read it, I'll be here to answer them :)

If you're wondering, I try to do something original but also fun to read.

It doesn't have a boring protagonist, nobody's perfect, it's not the typical "the organization is bad" story, but rather each side is bad in its own right. Overall, it's something realistic yet fantastical, focusing on its characters and their dilemmas instead of its world (as much as I'd love to describe the world, I don't like to overwhelm you with it xD).

Here it is if you're interested:

Tales of ALBA – The Sentenced Spy

Seiyi and Miyu dream of joining the F.O.W., the international organization dedicated to maintaining order and hunting down the Legion of Mages, a terrorist group that steals magical artifacts and challenges the system from the shadows. But everything shatters when Seiyi discovers that...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Rookieqw]

Hi! Before we go on, keep in mind, I'm a very bad author. Treat any of my advices or opinions with care. With that out of the way:

—Stop! —a voice wheezed.

I take it you are a non-native English speaker? So am I (I'm from Russia). So, the first hurdle here is that English-speaking (or folks reading in English) people are weird. They don't use those dashes for dialogues like civilized folks. Instead, they use:

"Stop!" a voice wheezed.

Barbarians, I know. But if you want them to give a chance to your novel, you must adapt.

The smoke clouded his eyes, but he barely noticed it. Everything felt distant, as if he were inside a dream. In front of him, amidst the rubble and the bodies, a small tremor announced movement under a broken table. From there, he emerged: a boy, covered in dust and blood, with a dark burn crossing most of his cheek—a mark that seemed too cruel to exist on someone so small. His eyes, however, were not on his wound. They were fixed on the body of a white-haired girl, lying among overturned chairs, completely unconscious.

Who is our MC? Or Point of View. Because from it, it reads as if someone were looking at the boy, but then we are following the kid.

Above that noise, a Phoenix—a mythical beast shrouded in golden flames—flew over the destroyed corridors, breathing fire with every flap of its wings. Its presence distracted the legion of mages just enough for the boy to reach one of them fallen next to the cafeteria bar. The mage was nearly dead, but what he carried was what mattered.

There's a lot to guess in here. So. I assume that the roof is gone if the boy (I assume we are looking through his eyes) sees the bird. Second. Legion is what, six thousand in number? Try to fit this number in a school corridor.

The prologue is very confusing, sorry.

For part 1: The image is neat (if it is yours, great job).

There are a few grammar issues:

, avoiding looking at the "beast"—. Mister…

Like that dot here.

 

[Eldoria]

I take it you are a non-native English speaker? So am I (I'm from Russia). So, the first hurdle here is that English-speaking (or folks reading in English) people are weird. They don't use those dashes for dialogues like civilized folks. Instead, they use:

"Stop!" a voice wheezed.

That's a French style of dialogue. I suspect the OP is French or influenced by French culture.

 

[FRWriter]

Just check out a bunch of other stories on this site. That should answer almost all your questions and make it obvious what you need to work on.

@Eldoria is always working hard providing feedback and definitely deserves a few more readers. I also think it's one of the stories without any technical issues whatsoever.

Always best to at least look at how other authors operate.

It always baffles me how people register, ask for advice, but don't bother to even read a single story on this site.

 

[OswaldoCAU]

Hi! Before we go on, keep in mind, I'm a very bad author. Treat any of my advices or opinions with care. With that out of the way:


I take it you are a non-native English speaker? So am I (I'm from Russia). So, the first hurdle here is that English-speaking (or folks reading in English) people are weird. They don't use those dashes for dialogues like civilized folks. Instead, they use:

"Stop!" a voice wheezed.

Barbarians, I know. But if you want them to give a chance to your novel, you must adapt.


Who is our MC? Or Point of View. Because from it, it reads as if someone were looking at the boy, but then we are following the kid.


There's a lot to guess in here. So. I assume that the roof is gone if the boy (I assume we are looking through his eyes) sees the bird. Second. Legion is what, six thousand in number? Try to fit this number in a school corridor.

The prologue is very confusing, sorry.

For part 1: The image is neat (if it is yours, great job).

There are a few grammar issues:


Like that dot here.

Yeah :/

sometimes Sometimes I don't translate phrases well, since I come from Spanish

The confusing prologue is mostly intentional, since I'm inspired by novels and series like Re:Zero (in terms of writing style) and other stories that begin in the "future," to create interest and meaning while we get to that point.

Anyway, thanks for that; I'll have to double-check the translation then. xD

Just check out a bunch of other stories on this site. That should answer almost all your questions and make it obvious what you need to work on.

@Eldoria is always working hard providing feedback and definitely deserves a few more readers. I also think it's one of the stories without any technical issues whatsoever.

Always best to at least look at how other authors operate.

It always baffles me how people register, ask for advice, but don't bother to even read a single story on this site.

I've never read a complete story, but I've been inspired by several on the WEBNOVEL website to get an idea. If my writing style is like this, it's because of that (and Re:Zero). Anyway, thanks for saying so :)