Can i get some feedback for the first chapter of my new story?
- Thread starter Ayashiro
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Here's what I saw in your work...
1) First off, the synopsis. Synopses are meant to entice the reader to take up your book and read it. However, your synopsis needs improvement. I mean, yes, the idea is there, but it could use a bit more 'spice'. For example, who is your MC? What is his goal? Why does he have to do that? At least, put it there in your synopsis, though you have to be careful of getting too detailed.
Remember, a good story makes use of 'spice' to attract readers. Why should we read your work? Why should we care about your MC?
Now on to the story itself.
2) To my second point. As much as possible, while we wanted to get to the action part of the story immediately, try to avoid a wall of text. It intimidates readers, especially the new ones. A best example of this in your work is this:
See the first paragraph? You can remedy this by separating the ideas into new paragraphs.
3) What is signum? Well this is more of a question than a suggestion. Two chapters in, and the reader had no idea of what 'signum' is. All that we are given is that,
At least, if you're trying to 'slowly reveal' (there's no problem with this style of storytelling, as long as the author managed to execute it correctly) the concept behind 'signum', drop clues so that your readers can form a picture of what is it all about.
Ayt, other feedback.
The pace is pretty fast. By the end of the Chapter 2, we're already weeks in school days. I think that as a reader looking to jump to the action immediately, this is good. However, for someone who's looking for 'reasons' and 'motivations' behind the character's action, this is quite a mood-killer. Honestly, I'm on the latter side, and I kind of looking for a deeper reason for him other than 'climbing up the ladder'. Like yes, it's a valid motivation, provided, there's a valid reason behind it.
Perhaps you haven't explained it fully due to the pace of your work, and it's pretty fine, if that's your aim. Readers just have different preferences on how a story is told. If I may recommend something, it's that you need to have a clear plan on where you would take your story, so that whenever someone gives you feedback, you know what to pick to improve your work.
(I'm speaking from experience...you should not entertain every comment from your audience, unless you're looking to monetize your work.)
Honestly, I only found a few problems punctuation-wise: “Its Clarence. And your name is Quillon, I assume?” It should be (It's) instead of (Its). But then, I think it's just an 'accidental' mistake, since your grammar is actually good.
Now there's a few more suggestions I'd like to say.
First, the bold typeface. You can use that if you want to emphasize a word or a line. The same effect is achieved if you use underline.
Second, the italics typeface. Your work is narrated in a first-person POV, so you can use this to maximize the effect of your work to your readers. A good way to use the italics is for when there are new words/terms (like signum), or the character is thinking to himself.
This is web novels we're talking about, so I guess these formatting can help a lot in storytelling.
All in all, the story itself is interesting. Banters between the characters are fun to read. However, as we are only a few chapters in, I think you have to pump out more chapters so that you can hook your readers even further. Don't be discouraged by the initial 'low reader count', it's pretty much common. Just continue with your story.
Hope this helps.
1) First off, the synopsis. Synopses are meant to entice the reader to take up your book and read it. However, your synopsis needs improvement. I mean, yes, the idea is there, but it could use a bit more 'spice'. For example, who is your MC? What is his goal? Why does he have to do that? At least, put it there in your synopsis, though you have to be careful of getting too detailed.
Remember, a good story makes use of 'spice' to attract readers. Why should we read your work? Why should we care about your MC?
Now on to the story itself.
2) To my second point. As much as possible, while we wanted to get to the action part of the story immediately, try to avoid a wall of text. It intimidates readers, especially the new ones. A best example of this in your work is this:
See the first paragraph? You can remedy this by separating the ideas into new paragraphs.
3) What is signum? Well this is more of a question than a suggestion. Two chapters in, and the reader had no idea of what 'signum' is. All that we are given is that,
there's discrimination between people with signum and non-signum, and there's a school that caters to both types but is wreaked with injustice to the other.
Ayt, other feedback.
The pace is pretty fast. By the end of the Chapter 2, we're already weeks in school days. I think that as a reader looking to jump to the action immediately, this is good. However, for someone who's looking for 'reasons' and 'motivations' behind the character's action, this is quite a mood-killer. Honestly, I'm on the latter side, and I kind of looking for a deeper reason for him other than 'climbing up the ladder'. Like yes, it's a valid motivation, provided, there's a valid reason behind it.
Perhaps you haven't explained it fully due to the pace of your work, and it's pretty fine, if that's your aim. Readers just have different preferences on how a story is told. If I may recommend something, it's that you need to have a clear plan on where you would take your story, so that whenever someone gives you feedback, you know what to pick to improve your work.
(I'm speaking from experience...you should not entertain every comment from your audience, unless you're looking to monetize your work.)
Honestly, I only found a few problems punctuation-wise: “Its Clarence. And your name is Quillon, I assume?” It should be (It's) instead of (Its). But then, I think it's just an 'accidental' mistake, since your grammar is actually good.
Now there's a few more suggestions I'd like to say.
First, the bold typeface. You can use that if you want to emphasize a word or a line. The same effect is achieved if you use underline.
Second, the italics typeface. Your work is narrated in a first-person POV, so you can use this to maximize the effect of your work to your readers. A good way to use the italics is for when there are new words/terms (like signum), or the character is thinking to himself.
This is web novels we're talking about, so I guess these formatting can help a lot in storytelling.
All in all, the story itself is interesting. Banters between the characters are fun to read. However, as we are only a few chapters in, I think you have to pump out more chapters so that you can hook your readers even further. Don't be discouraged by the initial 'low reader count', it's pretty much common. Just continue with your story.
Hope this helps.