Can I Get Some Feedback For Candy Pop?

[Western42]

After about if not more then two weeks of work, chapter 1, or Episode 1, is finally finished and is released. For those who don't know, Candy Pop! is my newest large project where each episode is a short story that, together, leads into a plot. Here is the official synopsis.

"Hello everybody! Here at Candy Pop, we sell all sorts of candy! So come on down and see our precious collection! But, you know, we do more than just sell simple candies. Sometimes, you just want some candies gone. They can be too sour...or sometimes too sweet, ya know? So, if you ever want to get rid of those candies, you can call us down at Candy Pop! Just call our number, 457-789-9804, or find one of our stops! Pink and yellow is the way to go. See ya soon!"

The very first message of the infamous hitman known as Candy Pop showed just how crazy she was. If she was any good...well...

....the over eight hundred kill count she has should be proof enough.

The first episode, also the promo, is more on the dark side but I hope people can enjoy it. I am here to ask for any feedback on the story as, this is not only my first time doing something like this, but I want this story to be a good one. Anyway, thank you!

Candy Pop!

'Hello everybody! Here at Candy Pop, we sell all sorts of candy! So come on down and see our precious collection! But, you know, we do more than just sell simple candies. Sometimes, you just want some candies gone. They can be too sour...or sometimes too sweet, ya know?...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[KiraMinoru]

After about if not more then two weeks of work, chapter 1, or Episode 1, is finally finished and is released. For those who don't know, Candy Pop! is my newest large project where each episode is a short story that, together, leads into a plot. Here is the official synopsis.

"Hello everybody! Here at Candy Pop, we sell all sorts of candy! So come on down and see our precious collection! But, you know, we do more than just sell simple candies. Sometimes, you just want some candies gone. They can be too sour...or sometimes too sweet, ya know? So, if you ever want to get rid of those candies, you can call us down at Candy Pop! Just call our number, 457-789-9804, or find one of our stops! Pink and yellow is the way to go. See ya soon!"

The very first message of the infamous hitman known as Candy Pop showed just how crazy she was. If she was any good...well...

....the over eight hundred kill count she has should be proof enough.

The first episode, also the promo, is more on the dark side but I hope people can enjoy it. I am here to ask for any feedback on the story as, this is not only my first time doing something like this, but I want this story to be a good one. Anyway, thank you!

Candy Pop!

'Hello everybody! Here at Candy Pop, we sell all sorts of candy! So come on down and see our precious collection! But, you know, we do more than just sell simple candies. Sometimes, you just want some candies gone. They can be too sour...or sometimes too sweet, ya know?...

www.scribblehub.com

Personally, I’d suggest censoring any phone numbers even if they aren’t real. For mobile users they end up creating a link that could lead to accidentally calling them.

 

[Vnator]

Personally, I’d suggest censoring any phone numbers even if they aren’t real. For mobile users they end up creating a link that could lead to accidentally calling them.

Or have the first 3 digits after the area code be 555, no phone number actually starts with that so lots of fiction uses it.

 

[Kitsura]

Chapter too long. Split it up 1.5k is the sweet spot it will make you have better coverage over the days in stead of monster chapters.

Easily too much exposition in the first chapter.

Cory Heather got up with a headache, which sucked but was nothing new. She got out of her bed and got dressed. She thought of brushing her teeth but, after looking at her digital clock, she decided that she had time for a proper breakfast before she left to go to school. She made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen, grateful that, despite the apartment she lives in size, the place had all the rooms a normal house would with the two exceptions of a basement and a boiler room.

The first glaring problem is overwriting, like, how much of this info is useful for the reader? do we need to know the basement and boiler room are not in this house? This is a pretty common problem with newer writers but I recommend you begin to learn how to "trim the fat" with your writing.

The second problem is with narrative, what is this story about? The paragraph are long and the plot seems like it's starting at the wrong point. Waking up and going through a daily routine is unfortunately a tired trope and something I recommend moving away from.

Third problem, Characterization. I don't know who these people are and what motivated them at the very least they don't seemed like interesting people.

 

[EternalSunset0]

I think this should be moved to the Story Feedback section.

Other than that, I took a look at your story. I personally feel that it's too long for a first chapter. I consider my chapters long for a webnovel, and yours is easily three, four times longer. I had to take a break in the middle, and I have yet to finish. Stopped somewhere after Cory got back home all beaten up. Try splitting your first one into different chapters.

For now, though, what interested me was the plot thread with Jessica's twin. I think Paul's actions with what I have read so far don't feel as justified, going through those lengths out of getting mad. Maybe it can happen for real, but I don't empathize with him. On another note, Catey and Monica seem cute together. I liked the "on the way to school" text convo.

I agree with the feedback on overwriting at the start. I do that, too, especially in my first volume, so it's probably really just a new writer thing that you shouldn't worry too much about but still work on. You'll get the hang of it later down the line. Once Cory gets to school, the overwriting got fixed imo.

I think a bit more imagery can help. It's completely optional, and it could end up being a case of overwriting, but as I have said a couple of times here, I enjoy a story a lot more when I can "see and hear" the characters while following the action and dialogue. For now, I can do that, but a little bit more help will be appreciated.

I'll get back and give a more comprehensive feedback when I do get around to finishing the whole thing, so consider this some preliminary ramblings. The premise did interest me enough to give it a shot, though.