Can I get a little feedback please ?

[AmbreaTaddy]

Hello !

I modestly present you my little story. It's my first ever light novel, and it's also my first time writing in english so it might be a little clumsy. I'm a sensitive mess but even if I cry after your feedback, I will be grateful so don't hesitate to be a little harsh !

I blinked and now I'm Famous

It's a story about a girl that has a rough patch in life which suddenly ends when blue characters appear in front of her eyes, granting her abilities she never had before.

Set in modern day France, it's a little piece of Bordeaux's night scene and bar culture with a pinch of fantasy system.

Have fun !

 

[JayMark]

I read the first chapter. It's not bad IMO.

I think it has potential. The first chapter is a lot of telling and reads like a blog in first person. There are some details I find mildly interesting but other readers might start to gloss over. The first chapter feels like someone sits next to me and just starts telling me their life story, but in third person. And I'm not sure if I want to hear more or make an excuse and walk away. Spare us some of the details for later.

When I read so much exposition, I fear that the story is going to be just that, a blog post. It sets a poor start. Nor can I identify with the character if I'm being sat down and told every detail of her recent life down to her housing and shopping habbits past and present. As a reader, I only really care about where the reader is now at the start.

You certainly have the foundation of an interesting setting and potentially interesting characters for a cute level-up slice of life story, rise to fame story. It would be a shame to throw it all away with too many exposition dumps.

The prose is a little clunky, but not enough to disrupt the flow. The English is good enough. The premise seems fun and the second chapter seems like it starts to kick off into the meat.

Dump the clunky blog post, save the details in a story file, and write an actual opening scene that will show the main character in action. Even a scene of her shopping at a thrift shop and scrounging for change to buy some retro jeans, or a scene dealing with the hazards of being a charity bunkmate, would be more interesting. Such scenes could give you a road to establishing a series of cause and effect interesting events until she gets her powers.

 

[AmbreaTaddy]

Thank you so much for your review !

You're right, I'll try to spice things up a bit. And I'm sooo happy you found it interesting !