Ai-chan read your first chapter. Here's Ai-chan's suggestion.
1. Don't think about changing your writing style of whatever yet. Go back to the very basic. Fix your punctuation.
June:Wait,who are you?and how can you talk in my mind?crap, where is this place?
There are so many wrongs in that one line. This is the very basic. Do not go further if you can't fix this. Well you can, but if you want us to tell you what's wrong with it, that is very wrong. Before plot, action, reaction or emotion, you need to fix your punctuation.
2. Once you have fixed your punctuation, you can move on to sentence structure. Some of your sentences didn't make sense and some others are kind of hard to understand.
Near, Ithil garden of red roses the room chamber of Lady Reneesmey was still closed.
This is gibberish. Ai-chan only understands 'a person called Ithil is near a garden of red roses and the garden of red roses serves as the door of Lady Reneesmey's room chamber, which is still closed'.
As the 1st maid felt the ire gaze of Irish.She stooped in astonishment.
Ai-chan can guess what you were trying to say, but the sentence structure is wrong. And what does it mean by stooped? 'Stoop' means bend over. She bends over in astonishment? How would that look like?
3. Fix the dialogues.
It's up to you if you want to do the dialogues the way you did, but it's not standard. If you want to do you dialogues like that, it's fine, Ai-chan has one story that is entirely dialogue like that too! You can read it here.
However, that is hardly standard for a novel and you won't get many review because this issue stands out. People will have to talk about it at some point. But most people here will not say anything because they will mention this when they say something about your story and they don't want you to rage quit and stop writing.
p/s: Once you have combed through your story and fixed all these problems, we can talk about how you can further improve. Until then, Ai-chan will refrain from saying anything else. You need to fix the basics.
