Bonnie's Full Moon Blues- Chapter 4 Feedback!

MC-Stories

The Wandering Dragon Storyteller
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#4- Yin and Yang!

We had returned home safely, i knocked on the door, hoping that HE wasn't home.

Luck was on our side, as Dot, our housekeeper, opened the door, a small smile was on her face, it wasn't a very good distraction from the large, puffy mark on her right eye.

"Bonnie, oh thank goodness you're okay, i wanted to come see you, but your father was in one of his "moods" she said.

"Dot, did Dad do that to you?" Lavender asked, pointing at that black eye of hers.

"You father was just angry that he lost the promotion he's been after, that's all." she said.

Our Dad, if you can even call him that, was Carlos Lupin, he was the top salesman at Golem Dynamics, the largest robotics company in the world, and he was ruthless, in both work and at home.

Dad wanted perfection, he insisted i join the Girls' Basketball team at school, and Lavender was the brains, always passing every test, anything less was unnacceptable..

And Mom never knew, mainly because she was busy at City Hall.

As we walked up to our room, both me and Lavender flopped on our beds.

"Bonnie?" Lavender asked.

"Yes?" i replied.

"What happened to our lives?" she asked.

"Don't worry Lav, things will get better..." i said.

Deep in my heart, i knew it was a lie, but what could i say to her?

"BONNIE!! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!!!" a familiar voiced roared.

"Fuck..." i said as i got up and crept downstairs...

Dad was waiting for me, a sour mood on his face.

"What's this shit about you getting attacked by a wolf on you way home?" he said, "Why the fuck didn't you fight back?"

"Sir, with all due respect, it was a wild animal...." Dot said before he slapped her!

"I don't recall asking you to fucking speak!" Dad snapped, he then focused his gaze on me, he grabbed me by the neck and tossed me into the wall!

"THAT'S what you do with a wild animal! i don't raise weaklings in this house, we adopted you two so you could carry on the Lupin family legacy!" he said.

"Mom's legacy..." i growled, he grabbed me by the neck again!

"What was that?" he said.

"You're crushing my windpipe...." i said.

He then slammed me to the ground, "You and you weakling sister are alive because of ME, not you mother, not the system, ME!" he growled, "Never forget that."

i got to my feet, with Dot's help, Dad spat on the spot he slammed me.

"Get yourselves cleaned up, we don't need her mother asking questions, i'll be speaking to Lavender later." he said as he walked away.

As i got to my feet, i spat out some blood...

"Asshole..." i said.

"Your father is just..tempermental." Dot said.

"if this is angry, i hate to see him happy...." i said..

Chapter End.

Your feedbakc is greatly needed and appreciated, this was very difficult to nail!
 

Eldoria

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As much as possible, reduce filter words in dialogue tags such as say, ask, answer, reply, etc. Filter words don't add value to your narrative except as a marker in dialogue.

Instead of dialogue tags, you can use the following pattern as a marker: Action + Dialogue. For example:

Tears rolled down my cheeks. "Don't hit my little sister... hic... hic..."

You can also use nicknames in dialogue to imply who the character is talking to, for example:

"Dad... don't hit my little sister," my voice cracked.

By minimizing filter words, your dialogue narrative will feel more natural and more immersive. :blob_melt:
 
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