Bless me with your wisdom! Be a critic, Be my biggest fan, Lemme know what you think!

[FoundForester]

I'd love to get you're thought on my latest story. I've gotten some good advice so far and tried my best to make improvements on the first chapter. So I'm thinking of doing another editing pass before posting any further.

Here's the book in question. Feel free to be as brutal as you'd like, as long as you give some suggestions on how to improve!

 

[StoneInky]

You're ok with brutality? Maybe ask Tempokai, lmao. But here's mine:

First Impression:

Synopsis slaps. Explains everything I need to know, shows me your style. It's a tad vague and generic, maybe?

With time running out and powers beyond comprehension closing in, Ashe must rise from the bottom ranks, push past her limits, and face the impossible.

I hated this sentence. You already basically said that previously, and now you're repeating it again. I think it'll help if you include what kind of person Ashe is instead? For example, what powers she has. It'll make the synopsis feel more personal and exciting.

Nothing wrong with the title or cover. Moving on.


Thoughts on the Story:

Okay. To be honest. I thought this was AI influenced at first...except I wasn't sure. It was all the generic metaphors and descriptions at the start that made me suspect this, but later it became clearer that this was human written. 'Butt-hurt' being the one word that made me sure you wrote it yourself. Do not remove that word. Ever. Lmao.

The prologue was great and beautiful, and I liked how you eased me into the world. Starting with action? Even better. The only problem was the lengthy descriptions and the draggy pacing. Since I don't really care about any of the characters yet, and this is only the prologue, I found my patience couldn't hold on. I skimmed past a lot of it, and read like normal after the action was over.

Chapter 1. Pacing was a tad draggy again. I don't want to listen to you yap about the hunters or whatever, I just want to see Ashe do stuff. And take stuff. And kill stuff. Don't bother telling me about those scavenger rules, who has time to think that in the middle of action, anyway? Silent. Invisible. Yeah, I know that, you kinda repeated it SO. MANY. TIMES.

I checked later chapters too, and you spout dramatic poetrics until the end. I'm not reading poetry, I'm reading a novel.

But thank you for that concise ending in chapter 1. That was nice.

Starting Chapter 2, and immediately I was hit with a 'his pocket's, and later on a 'He pulled away'. After re-checking Ashe's gender to make sure she's a girl, I'm back.

Then the tone switched abruptly. We went from tense cuz of suit guy, to everyone huggies! Sad huggies! I think it's Elizabeth's fault— after she appeared, the pacing just went wild for a sec, before slowing back down.

Last problem in this chapter. I hate Elizabeth, and her entire family. They don't feel like humans, they feel like cliche plot devices just there to push Ashe on the brink. They're not alive, they don't say stuff that feels real and rough and coarse, they don't lash out and make mistakes. They're just the 'cliche tragic family'.

Chapter 4. Also ties in with the other critique. I want to hear more of Ashe's actions and reactions. Not just Ashe hated magic, Ashe tried to ignore it, that's boring telling. I want to know about Ashe. How she crouches on the ground, how she's so focused she's trembling, how she tries to ignore the whispers by flitting her eyes away.

Here's the thing; I'm writing something very similar to you right now, so I don't want to give any advice that cramps your style. I think you should consider what you really want to write and focus on. Something character based, starring Ashe, or something setting based, starring the mysteries of the world?

If it's the former, you should cut the explanations, setting descriptions, and describe Ashe instead. If it's the latter, then you should focus on building the amosphere of the world, and show it as almost a living being, a force of its own. Something connected to Ashe's emotions and the theme. Instead of something passive and static.

Right now, you are kinda doing neither. It sucks.

Final conclusion: Reminds me of the style in 'A Practical Guide to Evil'. Lots of dramatic prose, metaphors. Reads like half a poem, half a novel. Kinda generic for a poem, though. You don't have to change things dramatically, but I do wish you'll edit your novel some. Yes, I have high standards, no, do not take me seriously. Good luck in writing! Hope you get tons of readers!

 

[FoundForester]

Okay. To be honest. I thought this was AI influenced at first...except I wasn't sure. It was all the generic metaphors and descriptions at the start that made me suspect this, but later it became clearer that this was human written. 'Butt-hurt' being the one word that made me sure you wrote it yourself. Do not remove that word. Ever. Lmao.

Yeah, I've written and rewritten and trimmed and cut the beginning so much, I think It just became kind of generic. So I can't really blame you for the thought. I might just rewrite the open from scratch.

he prologue was great and beautiful, and I liked how you eased me into the world. Starting with action? Even better. The only problem was the lengthy descriptions and the draggy pacing. Since I don't really care about any of the characters yet, and this is only the prologue, I found my patience couldn't hold on. I skimmed past a lot of it, and read like normal after the action was over.

I feel like this is the balance I can't get right. Either I describe to much and it's a drag or not enough and it's over quickly and not memorable. Kinda a double edged sword with the people too.

Your right, you have no reason to care about them. But If I just make them generic nondescript people fighting generic nondescript monster, then why should you care about the fight either?

Chapter 1. Pacing was a tad draggy again. I don't want to listen to you yap about the hunters or whatever, I just want to see Ashe do stuff. And take stuff. And kill stuff. Don't bother telling me about those scavenger rules, who has time to think that in the middle of action, anyway? Silent. Invisible. Yeah, I know that, you kinda repeated it SO. MANY. TIMES.

Fair enough. I was trying to do a little world building there, other wises she's just kinda yoinking scarp at which point what's the point of the scene? Might as well just cut it down to the final beat and skip to her selling it and have a sentence about how she scavenged it. that being said, you're right it is heavy handed. And yeah, I could have swore I'd cut half of those sneaking silently, invisibles. out. lol

I checked later chapters too, and you spout dramatic poetrics until the end. I'm not reading poetry, I'm reading a novel.

I think that's just a reflection of the kind of books I read. Lots of imagery and poetic framing.

Starting Chapter 2, and immediately I was hit with a 'his pocket's, and later on a 'He pulled away'. After re-checking Ashe's gender to make sure she's a girl, I'm back.

REEEEEEE! When I wrote the first like 10 chapters Ashe was a dude. I had to go back and switch all the He's to hers but clearly I missed some.

Then the tone switched abruptly. We went from tense cuz of suit guy, to everyone huggies! Sad huggies! I think it's Elizabeth's fault— after she appeared, the pacing just went wild for a sec, before slowing back down.

Last problem in this chapter. I hate Elizabeth, and her entire family. They don't feel like humans, they feel like cliche plot devices just there to push Ashe on the brink. They're not alive, they don't say stuff that feels real and rough and coarse, they don't lash out and make mistakes. They're just the 'cliche tragic family'.

Yeah, I'm trying to make my writing less monotone and pacing less... idk... Samey? Which I think bleeds into the family feeling soulless. I could spend time developing them. but that would slow the pace even further unless I'm gonna have them fighting monster too...

Chapter 4. Also ties in with the other critique. I want to hear more of Ashe's actions and reactions. Not just Ashe hated magic, Ashe tried to ignore it, that's boring telling. I want to know about Ashe. How she crouches on the ground, how she's so focused she's trembling, how she tries to ignore the whispers by flitting her eyes away.

This is good advice. I do need to show a bit more. I was trying to keep the pacing up so I cut a lot. But maybe I should add a bit back.

Here's the thing; I'm writing something very similar to you right now, so I don't want to give any advice that cramps your style. I think you should consider what you really want to write and focus on. Something character based, starring Ashe, or something setting based, starring the mysteries of the world?

If it's the former, you should cut the explanations, setting descriptions, and describe Ashe instead. If it's the latter, then you should focus on building the amosphere of the world, and show it as almost a living being, a force of its own. Something connected to Ashe's emotions and the theme. Instead of something passive and static.

Right now, you are kinda doing neither. It sucks.

Final conclusion: Reminds me of the style in 'A Practical Guide to Evil'. Lots of dramatic prose, metaphors. Reads like half a poem, half a novel. Kinda generic for a poem, though. You don't have to change things dramatically, but I do wish you'll edit your novel some. Yes, I have high standards, no, do not take me seriously. Good luck in writing! Hope you get tons of readers!

Good points. I feel like I might just Gut it and keep some of the bones. Some things work. But my overall more poetic writing style seems to clash with the story I'm trying to tell. Same goes for my descriptions.

Thanks for taking the time to write all this up!