Bastard Son of the Cosmic Devourer | Horny Kirby Meets Dungeon-Crawl Battle Manga

[ImpossibleSage]

Hey folks,

I’ve been cooking up something fun and wanted to share it here for feedback. I’m 20+ chapters in (posting 1–2 a week) and now looking to see: does this sound read-worthy, or drop-worthy? And what could make it stronger?

The pitch in one line:
Action-packed, progression-driven, and unashamedly horny — a dungeon-crawl LitRPG with a battle-manga heart.

Core elements I’m playing with:

• Protagonist: 19-year-old Black tavern kid (I’m a Black author), short, awkward, and a virgin at the start — his arc is one of hunger, shame, and sexual discovery.
• Powers: Imagine Kirby/Kid Buu mechanics, but instead of eating enemies, he absorbs abilities through intimacy, shame, and kink.
• System: D&D-coded progression fantasy — magic classes, monsters, species, and Labyrinth dungeons with evolving mechanics.
• Fights: Battle-manga style choreography and matchup focus (I love crunchy, creative fights).
• Inspirations: Solo Leveling, Shadow Slave, Reincarnated as a Slime — with my own twisted spin.

If that sounds like your flavor, you can check it out here:
? Bastard Son of the Cosmic Devourer


I’d love feedback on:

• Does the premise grab you?
• How's the execution so far?
• Do the elements sound balanced (smut + story + action)?
• Any red flags that would make you bounce early?

 

[RepresentingWrath]

1. The premise doesn't grab me.
2. -
3. -
4. Red flags: Inspirations: Solo Leveling, Shadow Slave, Reincarnated as a Slime. Powers: Imagine Kirby/Kid Buu mechanics, but instead of eating enemies, he absorbs abilities through intimacy, shame, and kink. System: D&D-coded progression fantasy — magic classes, monsters, species, and Labyrinth dungeons with evolving mechanics. a dungeon-crawl LitRPG with a battle-manga heart.

Actual readers might like it though, it depends on your execution.

 

[ImpossibleSage]

1. The premise doesn't grab me.
2. -
3. -
4. Red flags: Inspirations: Solo Leveling, Shadow Slave, Reincarnated as a Slime. Powers: Imagine Kirby/Kid Buu mechanics, but instead of eating enemies, he absorbs abilities through intimacy, shame, and kink. System: D&D-coded progression fantasy — magic classes, monsters, species, and Labyrinth dungeons with evolving mechanics. a dungeon-crawl LitRPG with a battle-manga heart.

Actual readers might like it though, it depends on your execution.

Thanks for the feedback!

What about some of those things are red flags for you? Too tropey? (This is my first attempt at erotic litrpg)

 

[Tempokai]

Also a red flag: blatant LLM use on the post itself and in the webnovel. This post doesn't create credibility at all, and that listicle would've worked if not for the blatant signs that it was pushed through the LLM. In the first chapter I saw those Asterisks of Shame that ChatGPT makes for formatting at the end of the chapter.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Thanks for the feedback!

What about some of those things are red flags for you? Too tropey? (This is my first attempt at erotic litrpg)

I dislike LitRPG, that's a first. I am not a fan of D&D, that's a second. Third, Solo Leveling and Slime are terrible works. I don't think people can produce anything good by getting inspiration from those soul-less husks of an entertainment. I am non-representative though, just like everyone else here. As I said, actual readers will probably read and enjoy it if your execution is good.

 

[ImpossibleSage]

I dislike LitRPG, that's a first. I am not a fan of D&D, that's a second. Third, Solo Leveling and Slime are terrible works. I don't think people can produce anything good by getting inspiration from those soul-less husks of an entertainment. I am non-representative though, just like everyone else here. As I said, actual readers will probably read and enjoy it if your execution is good.

Oh I got it. Not my audience.

Out of curiosity, what genres do you like?

Also a red flag: blatant LLM use on the post itself and in the webnovel. This post doesn't create credibility at all, and that listicle would've worked if not for the blatant signs that it was pushed through the LLM. In the first chapter I saw those Asterisks of Shame that ChatGPT makes for formatting at the end of the chapter.

I see, is LLM use generally frowned upon?

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Oh I got it. Not my audience.

Out of curiosity, what genres do you like?

I like romance, I like fantasy, I can and do read slop isekai, I read slop smut, harem is something I enjoy. About romance, harem and smut, I don't really care if romance is harem, smut, both, or neither. I like all combos equally.

 

[ImpossibleSage]

Also a red flag: blatant LLM use on the post itself and in the webnovel. This post doesn't create credibility at all, and that listicle would've worked if not for the blatant signs that it was pushed through the LLM. In the first chapter I saw those Asterisks of Shame that ChatGPT makes for formatting at the end of the chapter.

I will admit I do use ChatGPT to help me workshop ideas and proofread. I still put in hours and hours of writing into every chapter, though.

I like romance, I like fantasy, I can and do read slop isekai, I read slop smut, harem is something I enjoy. About romance, harem and smut, I don't really care if romance is harem, smut, both, or neither. I like all combos equally.

Yeah, I just discovered fantasy smut when I stumbled onto scribble hub, and was completely surprised and excited that works like these even exist.

I think I'm going to be playing with some harem elements in this story. Though they'll be bisexual flavored.

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Though they'll be bisexual flavored.

Another red flag for me personally. I only read straight romance.

 

[ImpossibleSage]

Another red flag for me personally. I only read straight romance.

Heard.

 

[Tempokai]

I will admit I do use ChatGPT to help me workshop ideas and proofread. I still put in hours and hours of writing into every chapter, though.

If you do that, copy properly. Reader experience is a thing, and those little mistakes, like with those asterisks in the story or blatantly LLM ad post you've made here can hurt your persuasive power on a stranger.

 

[ImpossibleSage]

If you do that, copy properly. Reader experience is a thing, and those little mistakes, like with those asterisks in the story or blatantly LLM ad post you've made here can hurt your persuasive power on a stranger.

I appreciate the advice. Ever since you shared, I went back and fixed that mistake, and I have been proofreading everything diligently before posting.

 

[Worthy39]

I will admit I do use ChatGPT to help me workshop ideas and proofread. I still put in hours and hours of writing into every chapter, though.

Yeah, I just discovered fantasy smut when I stumbled onto scribble hub, and was completely surprised and excited that works like these even exist.

I think I'm going to be playing with some harem elements in this story. Though they'll be bisexual flavored.

Yeah, I also use ChatGPT, so I understand that. Though I just use it for spell checks and because I suck at writing separate paragraphs, and usually just end up writing each chapter as a solid block, and have it seperate it without altering anything, so you won't get any judgement from me in that regard. As for the story... well, erotic isn't really my style, but your story seems fine, really. I wouldn't say it repels or attracts me just based on a short glance at it, but I'm sure you'll attract a few readers, at least.