Asking for some feed back on my story.

Macha

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Not bad. Just separate your very long paragraph into shorter paragraphs to improve readability and you will be fine.

As I pulled out a cold test tube, carefully eyeing the green substance inside for a moment before turning back to my microscope, carefully preparing to place a drop on a slide, the door flew open behind me. "Sarah, I'm back!" the young boy exclaimed. The sudden loud noise startled me, causing my hand to slip and drop the vial, breaking it as it hit the desk. And its contents splattered onto the desk, quickly smoking as it made contact with the wood. "Maroo!" I yelled as the substance began burning a hole into the material. Quickly, I grabbed a spare glass beaker from a nearby shelf and caught the substance as it dripped from the hole it had burned through, stopping it from causing any more damage. "Oh, sorry," Maroo shakily apologized, as he raised an eyebrow. "Uh, is that acid?" With a shrug, despite the annoying interruption, I muttered, "It wasn't supposed to be, but it does seem to have acid-like qualities," I said before heading to my chair over to her computer just a few feet away, and began to type into the screen: "Vial number fourteen, acid-like qualities, extremely dangerous if not lethal. Attempt five thousand, five hundred, sixty-eight. Failure." "Oh gee, I'm sorry. Uh, I have a shake for you, though," Maroo said, offering a nervous smile, reminding me of just who I was talking to.

Add a line break whenever a different character is doing an action or saying something.

Hope this helps.
 

SouthernMaiden

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Nov 11, 2025
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I would love some feedback on my story, reapers blood, if anyone is interested. even if its jsut the first chapter. I recently did revisions to my story, in hopes of improving it. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/999477/reapers-blood/
I think a press conference is a pretty good way to start a story, but I think this could be worded a little better:
"I know in these troubling times, with this terrible outbreak of…” He paused, searching for the right word. “...Mutations, caused by a disease we are still tracking down. My heart goes out to all the victims of this terrible disease and their families.”

And I agree that the long paragraphs in the second half should be split up. Also Dimmsdale, does it take place in the fairly odd parents town?
 

Eldoria

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Jun 14, 2025
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"Ugh... ah, yeah that's gonna hurt in the morning," I remarked as I quickly recovered from what should have been a death blow. Luckily, being a mutant myself had its advantages. Still, despite my body being clearly stronger than a normal human's, it wasn’t indestructible, that’s for sure. Feeling my entire ribcage as I rolled my left shoulder, in hopes to ease it, clearly told me how damaged I was. Trying to get back to my feet, it was clear one of my ribs were either broken or sprained, causing me to groan in pain. Looking up to see what caused it, I recognized Ray Maverick from her school profiles. The only difference was she had canine-like fangs and two large wings that she used to keep herself hovered off the ground.
As a mobile reader, my eyes feel dry reading giant paragraphs like this.
 
Joined
Sep 17, 2025
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The prologue is very weak. It centers a character you don't name and is told from the POV of a similarly unnamed character. You just call the important character "him." How does the speaker know that this "him" has endured years of pain? Why do we need to know his hand is fingernailed? Don't all hands have fingernails?

Why are random words written in bold?

Consider for what you want a given paragraph to tell the reader and focus on that.

In chapter one,
you don't need to start the chapter with the name of the chapter and the lack of title capitalization feels rushed.

The press conference is a good start.

The only person whose race is mentioned is Mr. Crush. Is his race important to the story? Is anyone else's?
The stylistic shift between the mayor and the Reaper scene and the MC POV is jarring. The MC scene is less interesting and harder to follow, and you spend a lot of words describing what eyes are doing.

If it's meant to be an action scene, shorten the descriptions and omit nonessential ones so the reader can focus on what's essential. If your MC is rushing, show that with the prose.

For dialogue, split up who's talking with a new paragraph each time the speaker changes.

I saw Dimmsdale and a Doofenshmirtz. Two cartoon references makes me wonder which other ones I missed.

It's not a bad first chapter, but the language is awkward throughout and the first half is much better than the second half.
 
Joined
Sep 17, 2025
Messages
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I wanna add that I noticed this too, and it did make me laugh. I know what type of character you're trying to create, but perhaps there's a better way to do it.
"Everyone is default (white) except for this one BLACK guy" is a pet peeve of mine.
 
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