Anyone mind giving me feedback on my first chapter?

[FirnielMahalayati]

Just wanted to ask if anyone would like to give me feedback on my first chapter.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Tempokai]

I read the first chapter. This is a boring start. I don't care enough about anyone here, and you started already started blasting.

Sure, atmosphere is thick in here, but it doesn't help when characters are boring. From the dripping rain to the endless stained-glass ceiling “piercing the heavens,” it’s clear the you really, really wants me to feel immersed. And while the imagery is commendable in doses, you’ve drowned the reader in so much gloom and gothic melodrama that it feels like a Tim Burton fanfic without the quirky charm. Balance is key. Use atmospheric descriptions sparingly to punctuate the narrative rather than smothering it. Not every sentence needs to sound like it’s auditioning for a poetry slam.

Also, three names for the MC? Luxcious/Laurence/Larry. Luxcious sounds like luxurious soap brand name, Laurence is the most normal in the context, and Larry sounds too modern, even with the irony that nickname probably existed in medieval times. Also, as a character, he’s... bland. He delivers a eulogy that sounds like it was copied and pasted from a philosophy textbook, asks Beth a couple of questions, and vanishes into a portal like an overworked IT guy escaping a bad Zoom meeting. Where’s his personality? What’s driving him? Aside from awkwardly poking at Beth’s tragic backstory, he doesn’t contribute much to the scene.

Suggestion: Give Luxcious/Laurence/Larry some edge or charm. Maybe he’s reluctantly roped into this ceremony. Maybe he’s sarcastic, secretly disillusioned, or just plain tired of everyone’s cryptic nonsense. Anything to make him feel less like an NPC delivering exposition.

The eulogy is clearly trying to establish worldbuilding and stakes, but it’s dense. Phrases like “Seed of Night,” “stare into the consciousness of the Abyss,” and “stealing the secret of immortality” are thrown around like confetti, but they don’t land because they lack context. Why should we care about the Seed of Night? What does it do? Why is Silas Mori’s challenge significant beyond vague statements of “conquering death”? Ground your worldbuilding in the personal. Instead of dumping jargon, connect the Seed of Night to Silas’s personal struggle. Show us why his actions matter to the people present, and to the reader.

Because of it, this chapter feels like it’s crawling through molasses. The dialogue, while occasionally interesting, doesn’t advance the story much. And the constant shifting between poetic descriptions, awkward small talk, and philosophical musings makes it hard to latch onto any one mood. But the dialogue is plagued with another thing: redundant dialogue tags. I don't need "questioned", "asked", "said" peppered like uncrushed peppercorns after the dialogue. Show, don't tag. Seriously.

Dialogue tags are like seasoning: a sprinkle here and there enhances the flavor, but dump the entire shaker on your prose, and your reader’s taste buds will die. Here’s a quick breakdown of when to use tags and when to let your characters’ actions or dialogue carry the scene. Use "said" sparingly, if at all. It’s fine when used invisibly, but don’t feel like you have to use it every time someone talks. Trust the reader to keep track of who’s speaking. Cut "creative" tags like answered, responded, explained. They’re just unnecessary fluff 99% of the time. Let actions replace tags. Instead of, “he groaned,” just show him groaning. Body language, facial expressions, and other actions can make your characters feel more alive.

The more I read, the more I see I understood that your sentences are monotonous. There’s a drone to the sentences in this opening, like they were all written with a metronome ticking in the background. Most sentences are overly long and packed with too many ideas, yet they somehow manage to lack impact. Case in point:

“From a glance, the corpse seemed to be in a relatively decayed state. The lower portion of the ribcage, alongside the bones of the right arm, were both exposed to the open air.”

"Relatively decayed state"? What are we comparing it to? A fresher corpse? And why is it relatively decayed instead of just plain decayed? These qualifiers just drain the sentence of any punch it might’ve had. The second sentence isn’t any better, cramming in details without rhythm or style.
Use more varied sentence structures—mix short, snappy sentences with longer, descriptive ones. And cut the fluff! Nobody is here for "relatively decayed"; give us vivid, visceral imagery:

"The corpse lay exposed, the ribcage half-collapsed and the right arm little more than bone. Death had been here for some time."

See how it's better? It makes the atmosphere better.

There’s a heavy reliance on passive voice and weak verbs that drain the prose of any energy. "Seemed to", "rapidly", "barely", and so on. When used too much, they take away from the action, thus making it "weak." ProWritingAid has a reason why it counts the weak verbs amount and has the passive voice finder function. Use strong, active verbs and commit to your imagery.

And the last, THERE AREN'T ANY STAKES. Larry Depressedrobes goes to a church, infodumps about the thing I don't care and then disappear through the MAGIC portal when the scene before was pure gothic. There’s no urgency, no tension, and no reason for the reader to care about any of it. Even the corpse of Silas, supposedly a pivotal figure, feels like a plot device rather than a tragedy. What does this funeral mean to Luxcious or Beth personally? Is there guilt, rivalry, regret? Show us the cracks in their masks, the humanity beneath all the gothic pomp. And show the magic at the start, however small, so that readers don't get whiplash.

Right now, this chapter is a technical mess. Tighten the prose, focus the pacing, and give your characters real emotions and motivations. Otherwise, all the atmospheric rain and gothic cathedrals in the world won’t save this story from fading into the Abyss... along with its six readers.

 

[FirnielMahalayati]

I read the first chapter. This is a boring start. I don't care enough about anyone here, and you started already started blasting.

Sure, atmosphere is thick in here, but it doesn't help when characters are boring. From the dripping rain to the endless stained-glass ceiling “piercing the heavens,” it’s clear the you really, really wants me to feel immersed. And while the imagery is commendable in doses, you’ve drowned the reader in so much gloom and gothic melodrama that it feels like a Tim Burton fanfic without the quirky charm. Balance is key. Use atmospheric descriptions sparingly to punctuate the narrative rather than smothering it. Not every sentence needs to sound like it’s auditioning for a poetry slam.

Also, three names for the MC? Luxcious/Laurence/Larry. Luxcious sounds like luxurious soap brand name, Laurence is the most normal in the context, and Larry sounds too modern, even with the irony that nickname probably existed in medieval times. Also, as a character, he’s... bland. He delivers a eulogy that sounds like it was copied and pasted from a philosophy textbook, asks Beth a couple of questions, and vanishes into a portal like an overworked IT guy escaping a bad Zoom meeting. Where’s his personality? What’s driving him? Aside from awkwardly poking at Beth’s tragic backstory, he doesn’t contribute much to the scene.

Suggestion: Give Luxcious/Laurence/Larry some edge or charm. Maybe he’s reluctantly roped into this ceremony. Maybe he’s sarcastic, secretly disillusioned, or just plain tired of everyone’s cryptic nonsense. Anything to make him feel less like an NPC delivering exposition.

The eulogy is clearly trying to establish worldbuilding and stakes, but it’s dense. Phrases like “Seed of Night,” “stare into the consciousness of the Abyss,” and “stealing the secret of immortality” are thrown around like confetti, but they don’t land because they lack context. Why should we care about the Seed of Night? What does it do? Why is Silas Mori’s challenge significant beyond vague statements of “conquering death”? Ground your worldbuilding in the personal. Instead of dumping jargon, connect the Seed of Night to Silas’s personal struggle. Show us why his actions matter to the people present, and to the reader.

Because of it, this chapter feels like it’s crawling through molasses. The dialogue, while occasionally interesting, doesn’t advance the story much. And the constant shifting between poetic descriptions, awkward small talk, and philosophical musings makes it hard to latch onto any one mood. But the dialogue is plagued with another thing: redundant dialogue tags. I don't need "questioned", "asked", "said" peppered like uncrushed peppercorns after the dialogue. Show, don't tag. Seriously.

Dialogue tags are like seasoning: a sprinkle here and there enhances the flavor, but dump the entire shaker on your prose, and your reader’s taste buds will die. Here’s a quick breakdown of when to use tags and when to let your characters’ actions or dialogue carry the scene. Use "said" sparingly, if at all. It’s fine when used invisibly, but don’t feel like you have to use it every time someone talks. Trust the reader to keep track of who’s speaking. Cut "creative" tags like answered, responded, explained. They’re just unnecessary fluff 99% of the time. Let actions replace tags. Instead of, “he groaned,” just show him groaning. Body language, facial expressions, and other actions can make your characters feel more alive.

The more I read, the more I see I understood that your sentences are monotonous. There’s a drone to the sentences in this opening, like they were all written with a metronome ticking in the background. Most sentences are overly long and packed with too many ideas, yet they somehow manage to lack impact. Case in point:

"Relatively decayed state"? What are we comparing it to? A fresher corpse? And why is it relatively decayed instead of just plain decayed? These qualifiers just drain the sentence of any punch it might’ve had. The second sentence isn’t any better, cramming in details without rhythm or style.
Use more varied sentence structures—mix short, snappy sentences with longer, descriptive ones. And cut the fluff! Nobody is here for "relatively decayed"; give us vivid, visceral imagery:

See how it's better? It makes the atmosphere better.

There’s a heavy reliance on passive voice and weak verbs that drain the prose of any energy. "Seemed to", "rapidly", "barely", and so on. When used too much, they take away from the action, thus making it "weak." ProWritingAid has a reason why it counts the weak verbs amount and has the passive voice finder function. Use strong, active verbs and commit to your imagery.

And the last, THERE AREN'T ANY STAKES. Larry Depressedrobes goes to a church, infodumps about the thing I don't care and then disappear through the MAGIC portal when the scene before was pure gothic. There’s no urgency, no tension, and no reason for the reader to care about any of it. Even the corpse of Silas, supposedly a pivotal figure, feels like a plot device rather than a tragedy. What does this funeral mean to Luxcious or Beth personally? Is there guilt, rivalry, regret? Show us the cracks in their masks, the humanity beneath all the gothic pomp. And show the magic at the start, however small, so that readers don't get whiplash.

Right now, this chapter is a technical mess. Tighten the prose, focus the pacing, and give your characters real emotions and motivations. Otherwise, all the atmospheric rain and gothic cathedrals in the world won’t save this story from fading into the Abyss... along with its six readers.

That, and I should redo more of it. Just to clarify that Beth is the MC. Which means I’ll redo the speech, just for clarity on my end. Sorry for the late reply tho.