Hm... from one look at your original, your chapters are really short. Like, more than bite-sized short. I think the shortest a chapter should be is 1k.
Everything happens abruptly, with no details given. Like why is MC there? People are trashy, but why suicide? Other than that, grammar/structure seems okay. Would love to see more details on the MC world though.
I know very little of the plot/story from just reading the first 2 chapters, death, and revival, but Isekai is a very popular tag here in SH. You should try to make a cover for it. It helps loads to get more readers. c: GL my friend.~
