Am I doing anything wrong?

[Azamukul]

So I'm writing one of the many Brain kids I've had over the course of four years and I was wondering if I could improve anywhere in my first one.

In my (attempted) non-biased opinion I feel like my pacing off and I'm writing too many info dumps. I also feel like it's overall...kind of boring.

I just want some feedback or any suggestions. Thanks in advance!

My First Story


In case someone doesn't feel like reading it I'll give a simple short summary.

Eira a child that has known nothing but trails and tribulations finally kicks the bucket and gets done in by the Slums. But her story is FAR from over. She's taken from what would've been her final resting place and is put into the service of two Gods.

She is representing them in a Battle Royal esque Death Game. All contestants are given some form of OP Blessing as they're tossed into the World of Aeloria.

The MC is Given a not so original Guardian System which allows her to summon Heros and Creatures from Various Medias to act as her Guardians.

So far I've got Ten Chapters done and am half finished with the eleventh before my doubt made me turn to The Forums.

 

[LilRora]

From a quick glance, I noticed two things you can improve. One, grammar. It's not bad, much better than some stories that wound up here, but small mistakes are frequent enough I noticed just skimming the first chapter.

Two, I think you're too direct in your writing. This is related to the "show, not tell" you've probably heard many times. You're telling a lot - it's not strictly a bad thing and largely a matter of style, but overdoing it is bad, and you're around that lower bound where it becomes distinct. It's very easy to add details that the narrator shouldn't be aware of. Additionally, describing things indirectly can help add a lot of details that would be difficult to convey otherwise.

I can't give feedback about the plot or characters, because I didn't read enough. Overall you're doing a fairly good job, much better than many who asked for feedback here. Keep writing tho, can't improve without that.

 

[Azamukul]

From a quick glance, I noticed two things you can improve. One, grammar. It's not bad, much better than some stories that wound up here, but small mistakes are frequent enough I noticed just skimming the first chapter.

Two, I think you're too direct in your writing. This is related to the "show, not tell" you've probably heard many times. You're telling a lot - it's not strictly a bad thing and largely a matter of style, but overdoing it is bad, and you're around that lower bound where it becomes distinct. It's very easy to add details that the narrator shouldn't be aware of. Additionally, describing things indirectly can help add a lot of details that would be difficult to convey otherwise.

I can't give feedback about the plot or characters, because I didn't read enough. Overall you're doing a fairly good job, much better than many who asked for feedback here. Keep writing tho, can't improve without that.

I see, How would one improve upon The "show, not tell"? Or is it one of those things that get better as you write and practice more and more?

 

[LilRora]

I see, How would one improve upon The "show, not tell"? Or is it one of those things that get better as you write and practice more and more?

Practice and reflection always helps. If you write, actually properly think what you're doing, and compare with your past work as well as other stories, you'll inevitably see things you have improved or you can improve.

From my experience, the easiest way to get better in this regard is set yourself a specific non-omniscient narrator (can be the main character in the present, the main character in the future, 3rd person narrator talking from the main character's point of view with their knowledge, there's a lot of flexibility here but you need to be specific) and consider what the narrator can and cannot see and know when writing.

For an easiest example, when you're writing 1st person perspective and your main character sees someone red on the face, shouting, and waving their arms around, they'll probably think that the person is angry. However, your main character cannot know that, they can only guess based on what they see. From there, you have a choice - you either write that the person was angry and accept this is a simplification, or you describe what they are doing, but do not conclude that they are angry and leave that for the readers to figure out. The latter is arguably what you should do, but that can needlessly overcomplicate things.

This is obviously a very simple example, there are other matters this applies to such as describing static appearance, describing the past, detailing combat, and more. It's a complicated topic I can't really fully explain here because I would be sitting and typing for hours. If you want to learn more and improve, there's already a lot of tutorials on the internet, including here on Scribble.

Once you have experience, you can mix showing and telling depending on the mood and style of your story - you're doing that already, just probably not entirely purposefully. The key is that you cannot do only one of them, because it will be very weird and unnatural; you have to use both. As for the exact proportions, there's no straight answer to that and I advise you do not focus on that too much. The point is to write a story that reads well and that conveys what you want to write, and you have a lot of freedom there so don't let some arbitrary rules stop you from writing a story the way you want to write it.

 

[Azamukul]

Practice and reflection always helps. If you write, actually properly think what you're doing, and compare with your past work as well as other stories, you'll inevitably see things you have improved or you can improve.

From my experience, the easiest way to get better in this regard is set yourself a specific non-omniscient narrator (can be the main character in the present, the main character in the future, 3rd person narrator talking from the main character's point of view with their knowledge, there's a lot of flexibility here but you need to be specific) and consider what the narrator can and cannot see and know when writing.

For an easiest example, when you're writing 1st person perspective and your main character sees someone red on the face, shouting, and waving their arms around, they'll probably think that the person is angry. However, your main character cannot know that, they can only guess based on what they see. From there, you have a choice - you either write that the person was angry and accept this is a simplification, or you describe what they are doing, but do not conclude that they are angry and leave that for the readers to figure out. The latter is arguably what you should do, but that can needlessly overcomplicate things.

This is obviously a very simple example, there are other matters this applies to such as describing static appearance, describing the past, detailing combat, and more. It's a complicated topic I can't really fully explain here because I would be sitting and typing for hours. If you want to learn more and improve, there's already a lot of tutorials on the internet, including here on Scribble.

Once you have experience, you can mix showing and telling depending on the mood and style of your story - you're doing that already, just probably not entirely purposefully. The key is that you cannot do only one of them, because it will be very weird and unnatural; you have to use both. As for the exact proportions, there's no straight answer to that and I advise you do not focus on that too much. The point is to write a story that reads well and that conveys what you want to write, and you have a lot of freedom there so don't let some arbitrary rules stop you from writing a story the way you want to write it.

I thank you kind stranger. For your time and your counseling.

I shall endeavor to make my brain kid the best it can be. (Also do read it if you are bored. ;P )