Action(ish) Genre Feedback/Review Exchange (1st few chapters)

[YS_og]

Sorry for dragging my feet, I move an undead snail's pace. I thoroughly enjoyed what I read.

As for considerations that I don't think I put in the chapter comments:

...

Thanks so much for the encouraging words!!! I feel like I got a really solid list of edits wrapped up now for once I finish these last few 2nd Arc chapters, that way I can get them all done in one shot while I let the new content release take a 2-3 week break. I post on another site which is why I just "dumped" my 1st arc here, curious to see if it would get any attention.

But I really do appreciate the objective pointers and the rec's. I will have your 2nd chapter read later tonight so I can do the same.



Oh, and yes, I do need to finish looking into filling up the tags box

 

[Bartun]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words!!! I feel like I got a really solid list of edits wrapped up now for once I finish these last few 2nd Arc chapters, that way I can get them all done in one shot while I let the new content release take a 2-3 week break. I post on another site which is why I just "dumped" my 1st arc here, curious to see if it would get any attention.

But I really do appreciate the objective pointers and the rec's. I will have your 2nd chapter read later tonight so I can do the same.



Oh, and yes, I do need to finish looking into filling up the tags box

I'm also looking forward to editing my first few chapters, so I wish the best of luck for both of us! Just out of curiosity, on which other site did you post your story?

Glad to see @Deeprotsorcerer took a look at your story! I'm sorry I wasn't able to spot all that he did! He's a pro for a reason!

Sorry for dragging my feet, I move an undead snail's pace. I thoroughly enjoyed what I read.

As for considerations that I don't think I put in the chapter comments:

Overall, the story was very good, but it suffers from a slower start than most of your contemporaries and it feels a little overwritten, you're good enough to remove the "buttressing" language for lack of a better term. Beginners need it to clarify messy text, but to stuff that's already clear, it just makes the writing feel uncertain. Trust yourself! Leave things that are delivered via implication like directional facing (she turned, she looked at X, etc) and action timing to stand on their own and your text will come out much sharper.

Your strongest points are your character writing (as mentioned in the comments) and the balance you strike between internal thoughts, actions, and information, though when you do teeter off course it tends to lean on the last one a bit too hard, but that's to be expected in the millitary sci fi genre, if Tom Clancy has problems with it, how can I yell at anyone else over it for a great stretch of time?

Besides the above, your sensory input is very solid as far as kinetic stuff goes, particularly during combat sequences. you don't skip out on factors like weight, motion, light, and heat when Sam's in the cockpit, it makes me want to get in a mech myself.

Like Bartun said before, I feel like you'd get a bigger audience from adding more tags to your story, you can also slow down your release rate a bit, when you post several chapters a day really close to each other, you reduce your visibility. If you want to take it further, you can spread word of your novel through all the appropriate social media channels. It just sucks to see you have so many chapters and so few views!

To everyone who comes across this thread, if you like mecha stuff, read YS' damn book! It's criminally underappreciated, I see no reason why Villainess and Grimoire gets a bunch of attention over this, grow some taste! (I'm just doing a bit, I'm not shaming you for liking what you like, don't @ me, you should read the book, though, it's worth your time).

This is a great review! I wasn't able to spot all those small details. I guess I still need to work on my English skills.

Thanks so much for the encouraging words!!! I feel like I got a really solid list of edits wrapped up now for once I finish these last few 2nd Arc chapters, that way I can get them all done in one shot while I let the new content release take a 2-3 week break. I post on another site which is why I just "dumped" my 1st arc here, curious to see if it would get any attention.

But I really do appreciate the objective pointers and the rec's. I will have your 2nd chapter read later tonight so I can do the same.



Oh, and yes, I do need to finish looking into filling up the tags box

I've been working a lot lately and haven't had the time to read the rest of Harbinger, or even work on my own book haha, but I'll try to continue reading during the weekend.

 

[Bartun]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words!!! I feel like I got a really solid list of edits wrapped up now for once I finish these last few 2nd Arc chapters, that way I can get them all done in one shot while I let the new content release take a 2-3 week break. I post on another site which is why I just "dumped" my 1st arc here, curious to see if it would get any attention.

But I really do appreciate the objective pointers and the rec's. I will have your 2nd chapter read later tonight so I can do the same.



Oh, and yes, I do need to finish looking into filling up the tags box

I've been ready through Harbinger: Infinity through six chapters now, and I have some things to point out.

First, let me tell you the artwork is amazing and really helps to imagine the mechs and characters' appearances, especially the former, I know describing mechs can be really difficult. I might not look like it but I'm a huge fan of the mecha genre and mechs in general. I don't have complaints about the flow of the story, you did a great job on that!

Your cover art is great, there is nothing wrong with it, but for some reason I can't explain it doesn't feel cover-like to me, I really hate telling this to a fellow artist who is in many ways better than me but you should consider another cover, maybe one with one of your mechs in a first plane, but this is only my opinion.

Maybe I haven't read enough chapters yet, but I can't find the basic technical specifications of the mechs, I understand the LTACs are two or three stores in height, and light enough to jump and hover at a reasonable speed. Of course, it is just me again, if you feel like adding too much data would disrupt the flow of the story just leave it as it is, but I think the pictures you put in your chapters could include this kind of data that enthusiasts of the genre like myself often demand, like height, weight, maximum forward and reverse speed, maximum capacity (of both armor and weapons), and the like, especially for the A7 which is gigantic! Adding that data only to the pictures should not be difficult and maybe could serve to expand a little bit on the LTACs.

I understand LTACs are too lightly armed and armored to face a conventional tank, which explains their low weight and jump capacity, props for that! You convey that dynamic really well. On the other hand, the Samael kind armed ONLY with plasma broadsword strikes me as too fantastic for a hardcore sci-fi. Please don't take this the wrong way! It's super cool, but perhaps a bit impractical for a mech. In modern combat, charging with a broadsword against a group of soldiers armed with modern assault rifles is suicidal. Maybe if LTACs were more sluggish and clumsier to maneuver, with a more step-by-step protocol for engaging targets like modern MBTs then closing in with a hand-to-hand weapon would make much more sense.

I know this might be a bit hypocritical of me since I'm currently writing a fantasy sci-fi story, but since you asked for feedback I wanted to help. I too have a lot of work to make my story better so I wish us both the best of luck!

PS: I'll keep reading Harbinger and giving you my honest thoughts! I'm too far into it to bail out now hehe

 

[YS_og]

Your cover art is great, there is nothing wrong with it, but for some reason I can't explain it doesn't feel cover-like to me, I really hate telling this to a fellow artist who is in many ways better than me but you should consider another cover, maybe one with one of your mechs in a first plane, but this is only my opinion.

Right, I do have a new cover art planned. This is exactly my own thoughts after x months passed :( My break coming up is to do everything I need to: edits, art, cover art, everything in between that isn't new chapters ^^;

Maybe I haven't read enough chapters yet, but I can't find the basic technical specifications of the mechs, I understand the LTACs are two or three stores in height, and light enough to jump and hover at a reasonable speed. Of course, it is just me again, if you feel like adding too much data would disrupt the flow of the story just leave it as it is, but I think the pictures you put in your chapters could include this kind of data that enthusiasts of the genre like myself often demand, like height, weight, maximum forward and reverse speed, maximum capacity (of both armor and weapons), and the like, especially for the A7 which is gigantic! Adding that data only to the pictures should not be difficult and maybe could serve to expand a little bit on the LTACs.

Good point! I will do just that!

I understand LTACs are too lightly armed and armored to face a conventional tank, which explains their low weight and jump capacity, props for that! You convey that dynamic really well. On the other hand, the Samael kind armed ONLY with plasma broadsword strikes me as too fantastic for a hardcore sci-fi. Please don't take this the wrong way! It's super cool, but perhaps a bit impractical for a mech. In modern combat, charging with a broadsword against a group of soldiers armed with modern assault rifles is suicidal. Maybe if LTACs were more sluggish and clumsier to maneuver, with a more step-by-step protocol for engaging targets like modern MBTs then closing in with a hand-to-hand weapon would make much more sense.

Yeah thats definitely understandable. I want to use some soft sci-fi elements to keep it interesting or else it's a bit too real for even me. The plasma weaponry shouldn't exist at this level of technology but hey :\ lol The only reason the Samael models are able to do so well is their cloaking tech (which is revealed later) as they can't be targeted without using manual aiming with the naked human eye (impossible inside an LTAC). It lets them destroy targets quickly, effectively, but most importantly, CLEANLY. The mess Hexa's LTACs make become a larger issue later, whereas the Samael's, as you see, don't cause any collateral hardly. But I do see that this might need a sneaky point-out fit in somewhere to make this more clear, so thanks for pointing this out!!

I know this might be a bit hypocritical of me since I'm currently writing a fantasy sci-fi story, but since you asked for feedback I wanted to help. I too have a lot of work to make my story better so I wish us both the best of luck!

Nah man! Nothing hypocritical there, I appreciate all the helpful words!! Always open to any level of honesty as well lol.
I was wanting to read about 8-10 chapters from yours before tossing back a proper review, so look for that in the coming week :) (A bit behind as I had some other works I was trying to review and got bogged down from bad time management)

Anyway big thanks again!!!

 

[Bartun]

Right, I do have a new cover art planned. This is exactly my own thoughts after x months passed :( My break coming up is to do everything I need to: edits, art, cover art, everything in between that isn't new chapters ^^;

Good point! I will do just that!


Yeah thats definitely understandable. I want to use some soft sci-fi elements to keep it interesting or else it's a bit too real for even me. The plasma weaponry shouldn't exist at this level of technology but hey :\ lol The only reason the Samael models are able to do so well is their cloaking tech (which is revealed later) as they can't be targeted without using manual aiming with the naked human eye (impossible inside an LTAC). It lets them destroy targets quickly, effectively, but most importantly, CLEANLY. The mess Hexa's LTACs make become a larger issue later, whereas the Samael's, as you see, don't cause any collateral hardly. But I do see that this might need a sneaky point-out fit in somewhere to make this more clear, so thanks for pointing this out!!


Nah man! Nothing hypocritical there, I appreciate all the helpful words!! Always open to any level of honesty as well lol.
I was wanting to read about 8-10 chapters from yours before tossing back a proper review, so look for that in the coming week :) (A bit behind as I had some other works I was trying to review and got bogged down from bad time management)

Anyway big thanks again!!!

I'm happy to hear! I've always been a hardcore nerd not only for the mecha genre but for military hardware in general

Yeah, stealth makes for a great force multiplier, in that context it makes sense that normal targeting systems are unable to track and get a lock. I understand the cool factor that the plasma-arc sword brings to the table, plus the reduced collateral damage that you mentioned and I didn't think about.

Looking forward for you to take a further look at my story! I will continue reading Sam's adventures meanwhile!

 

[finalrealms]

Illustration on each chapter - Fantastic artwork
Storyline - Quite interesting
Grammar - I can't say it was wrong. But I had to re-read the sentences a few times before I got to understand what you tried to present to us. I guess that is what we call wordy sentences.

I spend some time and read your Prologue and Infinity. Although I am not a professional writer or criticism, but am a fellow writer, especially in fantasy. I took a liking to how you describe every single detail and gesture made by your character. The illustration makes us understand in terms of scenery and the mecha itself.

You differentiated each character's personality, which most writers find hard to do. That was worth the appraisal.

I don't dare to criticize English as my second language. I was in Tapas too, but all the comments were an appraisal rather than some harsh pointing out your weaknesses in the book you are working on. Maybe you can consider removing some redundant sentences, as well as wordy sentences to make use of better clarity to your work.

PS:/ Your mecha illustration on the Infinity chapter look-alike Mobile Suit Ginn from Seed, maybe I was wrong? But I love and took a liking to mono eye mecha.

Final Realms - New World

 

[YS_og]

Illustration on each chapter - Fantastic artwork
Storyline - Quite interesting
Grammar - I can't say it was wrong. But I had to re-read the sentences a few times before I got to understand what you tried to present to us. I guess that is what we call wordy sentences.

I spend some time and read your Prologue and Infinity. Although I am not a professional writer or criticism, but am a fellow writer, especially in fantasy. I took a liking to how you describe every single detail and gesture made by your character. The illustration makes us understand in terms of scenery and the mecha itself.

You differentiated each character's personality, which most writers find hard to do. That was worth the appraisal.

I don't dare to criticize English as my second language. I was in Tapas too, but all the comments were an appraisal rather than some harsh pointing out your weaknesses in the book you are working on. Maybe you can consider removing some redundant sentences, as well as wordy sentences to make use of better clarity to your work.

Thanks for the review! You mean you've seen this posted in Tapas? I never got good commentary there which is why I am glad to have come here lol

Yeah as you can see from earlier reviews I definitely have lots of sentence structure points written down for edits coming real soon, and you help confirm a number of those.
And I appreciate the kind words! I am no pro with illustrating but I would like to think that I am improving over time lol

Anyway, I see your story and I will give it a read!

PS:/ Your mecha illustration on the Infinity chapter look-alike Mobile Suit Ginn from Seed, maybe I was wrong? But I love and took a liking to mono eye mecha.

Final Realms - New World

Actually never thought of that lol I was a huge SEED fan myself as well, but I stuck with the eye cluster (hard to tell with my rough drawings that its one large center eye with three smaller sensor eyes around it) because regular eyes like with most Gundams just aren't realistic. I don't need a true face per se, and eye clusters give the notion that you have dedicated sensors/inputs like visual, thermal, laser comm, etc.








@Bartun Just wanted to drop this here:

I realize the language issue but I do truly think one day you should use grammar correcting software or something because it is one of two things I think hold back the reading experience with your story.

I really like the premise, the characters and their dynamics you set up, and the world you created, especially the whole religion. That takes a lot of work and it wasn't a drag as you walked us through it.

That leads me to the 2nd point about what I think could be done more smoothly - the initial dialogue that I once mentioned being long is not so much that it's long, but I found much of it didn't progress the plot or the story any, and it could be a lot more succinct and still do plenty for establishing the dynamic between the characters/still show enough about their personalities. It'd help you get to the starting point of the bigger events that hooked me. I dragged myself through the 2nd and 3rd chapters in comparison to how I flew through 4 -10. So overall, I think streamlining the events and dialogue in chapters 2-3 would help with that.

The 1st chapter being tied directly into the story as a foreshadow was neat. I was like "ah!" when it came around later.

Also, I did mean to point out that I feel frustrated with some of Nina's decisions and her attitude but then I realize, oh yeah, she's a preteen. Great job on selling the character for the exact age she is and her lack of experience with many things is well reflected!

I'll be checking out your future chapters as they come out

 

[finalrealms]

Actually never thought of that lol I was a huge SEED fan myself as well, but I stuck with the eye cluster (hard to tell with my rough drawings that its one large center eye with three smaller sensor eyes around it) because regular eyes like with most Gundams just aren't realistic. I don't need a true face per se, and eye clusters give the notion that you have dedicated sensors/inputs like visual, thermal, laser comm, etc.

I can feel your enthusiasm based on your description of the mono eye. Yes, I agree with you, as mono eyes were the natural-looking mecha.
I recognized the pattern immediately when I saw the spike on both his shoulder shields and the leg design, which gave me the similarity of Ginn itself.

Anyway, I see your story and I will give it a read!

Thanks in advance for the read, although I just began my work here a week ago.

Thanks for the review! You mean you've seen this posted in Tapas? I never got good commentary there which is why I am glad to have come here lol

I was in Tapas, too, unlike here. I love the honest review and opinion rather than the Tapas community, who always gave lovely wording in exchange for subs.

 

[YS_og]

I can feel your enthusiasm based on your description of the mono eye. Yes, I agree with you, as mono eyes were the natural-looking mecha.
I recognized the pattern immediately when I saw the spike on both his shoulder shields and the leg design, which gave me the similarity of Ginn itself.

I see, well it was coincidental I guess

Thanks in advance for the read, although I just began my work here a week ago.

I can offer this from just the few you have uploaded, but I could give more detailed feedback once more comes out.

First and foremost, I realize the language barrier issue and I will skip around that for now.
But most importantly, I see the world you are trying to create but that is a lot based on my assumption. You are leaving a lot of gaps here and there and when you try to bring that up for introducing more detail, it addresses things in a manner that still doesn't answer questions. As a result, I don't know what the two human forms really are, what these god-like powers are (again, unaddressed in any substantial form) that makes them such a big deal, and how exactly these neo-humans came to creation. I'd say that this is all critical to the specific world you are trying to build, and it left me wondering what is really what and that translates into = I can't see the aim of the story well, other than who the protags are.

I like the premise of this as well, but in my opinion you would need to spend some more time on delivering the world you created and at least give more insight on these new races of humans as to catch readers' interest more easily.

If it's going to be some kind of war pitted between two different types of humans, maybe a slight foreshadow or hint of some sort? Again, not sure what the grand scheme is after those chapters. That's all


/ramble

 

[finalrealms]

I can offer this from just the few you have uploaded, but I could give more detailed feedback once more com

I truly appreciate that you could give more feedback in the future, as my upcoming chapter will slowly answer the question you've asked below.

But most importantly, I see the world you are trying to create but that is a lot based on my assumption. You are leaving a lot of gaps here and there and when you try to bring that up for introducing more detail, it addresses things in a manner that still doesn't answer questions.

Maybe that was the problem with my style of bringing in the story. I always like to deliver a mystery, solved one by one as the reader goes through the chapter further. Maybe that was not a wise decision to leave a gap unanswered in each chapter? (just asking)

As a result, I don't know what the two human forms really are, what these god-like powers are (again, unaddressed in any substantial form) that makes them such a big deal, and how exactly these neo-humans came to creation. I'd say that this is all critical to the specific world you are trying to build, and it left me wondering what is really what and that translates into = I can't see the aim of the story well, other than who the protags are.

Many things have happened during the revolution. But I decided to start the story where the real threat began. Slowly I revert to the incident that occurred in the past, which related to the ongoing chapter.

I like the premise of this as well, but in my opinion you would need to spend some more time on delivering the world you created and at least give more insight on these new races of humans as to catch readers' interest more easily.

Look like I've dragged too much in each chapter itself. I'll do a re-edit again if possible.

If it's going to be some kind of war pitted between two different types of humans, maybe a slight foreshadow or hint of some sort? Again, not sure what the grand scheme is after those chapters.

Thanks for the review. I have genuinely appreciated it. Those chapters are just an introduction to some crucial protagonist characteristics. Guess I have to leave some hints earlier than I expected. I will keep on reading yours when I take some free time during my off-duty day.

 

[YS_og]

Maybe that was the problem with my style of bringing in the story. I always like to deliver a mystery, solved one by one as the reader goes through the chapter further. Maybe that was not a wise decision to leave a gap unanswered in each chapter? (just asking)

This is a good way to put it. I think too many mysteries piling up quickly makes things too ambiguous and become more of a put-off than a hook. I think having multiple mysteries is great, but maybe 1 at a time? Meaning don't throw the next mystery in until some of the 1st one is discovered (even if not fully). Just a thought


And sure man no problem

 

[Bartun]

Thanks for the review! You mean you've seen this posted in Tapas? I never got good commentary there which is why I am glad to have come here lol

Yeah as you can see from earlier reviews I definitely have lots of sentence structure points written down for edits coming real soon, and you help confirm a number of those.
And I appreciate the kind words! I am no pro with illustrating but I would like to think that I am improving over time lol

Anyway, I see your story and I will give it a read!


Actually never thought of that lol I was a huge SEED fan myself as well, but I stuck with the eye cluster (hard to tell with my rough drawings that its one large center eye with three smaller sensor eyes around it) because regular eyes like with most Gundams just aren't realistic. I don't need a true face per se, and eye clusters give the notion that you have dedicated sensors/inputs like visual, thermal, laser comm, etc.








@Bartun Just wanted to drop this here:

I realize the language issue but I do truly think one day you should use grammar correcting software or something because it is one of two things I think hold back the reading experience with your story.

I really like the premise, the characters and their dynamics you set up, and the world you created, especially the whole religion. That takes a lot of work and it wasn't a drag as you walked us through it.

That leads me to the 2nd point about what I think could be done more smoothly - the initial dialogue that I once mentioned being long is not so much that it's long, but I found much of it didn't progress the plot or the story any, and it could be a lot more succinct and still do plenty for establishing the dynamic between the characters/still show enough about their personalities. It'd help you get to the starting point of the bigger events that hooked me. I dragged myself through the 2nd and 3rd chapters in comparison to how I flew through 4 -10. So overall, I think streamlining the events and dialogue in chapters 2-3 would help with that.

The 1st chapter being tied directly into the story as a foreshadow was neat. I was like "ah!" when it came around later.

Also, I did mean to point out that I feel frustrated with some of Nina's decisions and her attitude but then I realize, oh yeah, she's a preteen. Great job on selling the character for the exact age she is and her lack of experience with many things is well reflected!

I'll be checking out your future chapters as they come out

Thank you so much for your honest review! It means a lot that you took your time to read my story!

Yeah, I thought Grammarly was doing a good job with grammar but sometimes leaves some words out and doesn't work 100% of the time, I'll try ProWritingAid to see how it works.

And yeah, I really need to work on those first chapters, those were my first attempts at writing, and I think I did a better job with the later ones, I'm currently re-writing those chapters and I'll keep in mind your and @Deeprotsorcerer recommendations! Thanks for pointing that out!

I tried my best to make Nina as realistic as possible, I did a lot of research to portray her as an actual person with dreams and fears and not just another "plain female character written by male author". It wouldn't make sense to make her all perfect, and part of the conflict later in the story will be a direct result of her indecision and/or wrong decisions. I tried to portray her as a normal teenage girl who is suddenly thrown into an extreme situation.

Thanks again for the honest review! I shall work hard to make the corrections and deliver a story worthy of your time!

 

[YS_og]

Just reviving as I made some amends to the 1st two chapters. I am still open to reviewing anyone's work even if it isn't necessarily "ACTION" genre, and I can review as many chapters as you are willing to do for mine. I just don't do Romances or smut.

 

[Bartun]

Just reviving as I made some amends to the 1st two chapters. I am still open to reviewing anyone's work even if it isn't necessarily "ACTION" genre, and I can review as many chapters as you are willing to do for mine. I just don't do Romances or smut.

I didn't have much time lately to read your story but I'll definitely continue where I left the last time, I also changed my first two chapters, I'll take a look at yours when I can! Promise!

 

[YS_og]

Ahh cool was waiting for yours and DRS's chapter updates but yeah if you edited anything I will give it a look-see