Writing Prompt Abysmal Dogshit Opening Lines

[ShrimpShady]

I had just (yes, within the last hour) found out about the Lyttle Lytton Contest and the now-defunct Buwler-Lytton contest it was based on, both awarding writers for their ability to write terrible, no good opening lines for a story.

That gave me a fun idea to try it out in these forums, as maybe the webnovel slant would offer some fresh cow pie.

To put it simply: Reply to this thread with the worst opening line you can think of.

No limit on word count, just keep it sensible (like, a paragraph at most), and it should sound like an opening line, not just some random sentence out of context you could've pulled from anywhere. I encourage everybody to put a bit of thought and imagination into whatever you're gonna write because it'd be way too easy to write something that's just incoherent or random or obviously bad, and call it a day. Shit writing is mortal, but masterful crapsmanship is a tad funnier and more memorable.

Also don't post some piece of ass you've seen someone else write on this site to bully them, that's not fun.

As for me, I'm not feeling particularly inspired, but I'll give my best worst shot while I wait for the community's provocative fingers to stimulate the muggiest crevices of my thinking glands:

"When I saw through my bedroom window while I was mowing the lawn my bitch wife shambling around with my pants and neckties hanging over her shoulders, I realized it was the night of the walking dead for the skeletons in my closet."

Feel free to discuss whether or not my attempt, or anybody else's, was actually terrible.

Also check out the OGs:

Spoiler: Lyttle Lytton

https://adamcadre.ac/lyttle/

Spoiler: Buwler-Lytton

https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/winners

I wish you all a very expeditious bowel movement.

 

[Deleted member 84247]

The boring woman opened her eyes to a boring room, and there were not even holes in the walls, for it was truly boring without any boring.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

When the sun came up that day, it was morning, once again.

 

[Daydreamers]

I woke up to my alarm, shut it off with my left hand, and slept some more, then I woke up to my mother knocking on my door, walked to her and told her I wasn’t hungry, then went back to bed and slept some more.

 

[ShrimpShady]

The boring woman opened her eyes to a boring room, and there were not even holes in the walls, for it was truly boring without any boring.

I'd be kinda concerned if I woke up to a room getting ran through by a massive Gurren Lagann drill. Still, pretty not good. I'd give it half a stick of gum under my Nikes/10.

When the sun came up that day, it was morning, once again.

Wrong. Nuclear apocalypse.

I'm quite a fan of sentences that go nowhere, so I'd give this a someone's grandma paying me to spit her cigarette butt into my mouth/10

I woke up to my alarm, shut it off with my left hand, and slept some more, then I woke up to my mother knocking on my door, walked to her and told her I wasn’t hungry, then went back to bed and slept some more.

Another case of a sentence that just goes nowhere, mixed with the violation of the very spoken rule of never opening a story with a character waking up. The completely unneeded specificity of which hand the narrator used to turn off their alarm is the reddit jolly rancher on top.

I'd give this a waking up an hour before your alarm goes off but not being able to fall back asleep/10 (also you were having the bionicle dream)

 

[StoneInky]

he wokee up and stood ip from.the bed, his name waf mike he had cool laser poweers and he use them BOOOOOMMMM

 

[ShrimpShady]

Here's a new one I came up with:

The moment I laid my eyes on Eleanor that night across the bar with her citrine earring matching the glow of her champagne, I was instantly hooked in the same way one is enchanted the first time seeing giraffes at the zoo, at how they were bigger than expected, except she wasn't bigger than I expected because it was the first time I'd seen her.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

It was one of those nights that feels like the opening to a bad, bus station spinner-rack novel, one that was pawed through hundreds of times, but nobody ever finished reading, or even ever purchased, except that it wasn't; it was just one of those nights.

 

[StoneInky]

I'll take another go, too. I used to be on Wattpad, which means...I have experience. Lmao.

My eyes widened and I stared. Her sweet chest bobbed as she breasted down the stairs, the pair dancing with delight like hungry piranhas. Her countenance was that of a vixen virgin, but soft and naive as a baby. "Teacher! She called out.

...And the title of the story is called 'My Magic School Romance'.

 

[ShrimpShady]

It was one of those nights that feels like the opening to a bad, bus station spinner-rack novel, one that was pawed through hundreds of times, but nobody ever finished reading, or even ever purchased, except that it wasn't; it was just one of those nights.

I see you're also a fan of meandering and ultimately self-negating similes. I hate it, I'd give it a city without integrated public transport/10.

I'll take another go, too. I used to be on Wattpad, which means...I have experience. Lmao.

My eyes widened and I stared. Her sweet chest bobbed as she breasted down the stairs, the pair dancing with delight like hungry piranhas. Her countenance was that of a vixen virgin, but soft and naive as a baby. "Teacher! She called out.

...And the title of the story is called 'My Magic School Romance'.

Classic breasted prose. There's a lot to peel back on this one.
1. Bobbed and dancing being redundant.
2. Using the wholly unflattering simile of "like hungry piranhas" to describe something that's meant to be sexy.
3. What does a vixen virgin look like?
4. Sexualization of childlike attributes.

Might be the worst one so far.

 

[AYM]

Even if I want to try writing an opening, this will create unnecessary heart demons. It's like those delusional mortal children who claim an evil dragon is sealed in their arm, except releasing it will actually kill them.

I'll take another go, too. I used to be on Wattpad, which means...I have experience. Lmao.

My eyes widened and I stared. Her sweet chest bobbed as she breasted down the stairs, the pair dancing with delight like hungry piranhas. Her countenance was that of a vixen virgin, but soft and naive as a baby. "Teacher! She called out.

...And the title of the story is called 'My Magic School Romance'.