A new writer in need of Feedback!

[Civilian]

Hello, I'm newish here, only a couple of days. I started posting my novel yesterday and will be interested in any sort of feedback I can get.
I'll be dropping it here for anyone interested, thank you:

 

[melchi]

Eh, it seems to be a romance novel, no thanks.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Pretty cool

 

[Bobple]

Good luck!

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Hello, I'm newish here, only a couple of days. I started posting my novel yesterday and will be interested in any sort of feedback I can get.
I'll be dropping it here for anyone interested, thank you:
View attachment 18145

Welcome to ScribbleHub! I can offer some feedback. Maybe some of it'll help! Who knows?!
In the first sentence, when describing the woman's voice as mature, it immediately comes off as odd and sexual. Of course the woman is mature. She's an adult in charge of the PA system of a paramilitary organization. Try to be careful about that! Also, you use commas instead of periods in between the stuff in quotations and the voice in this type of case, and a period right after "Welcome..." instead of a comma is the grammatically correct choice. It is important to give a different descriptor than mature in the other sentences as well. One would hope that she is more than a developed chest and nice hips, which is what the connotations of mature generally are (there are other, better connotations, but they are not visible in this story because it is not used with other words to describe her personality). Edit: Just now realizing you use it to describe guys too later in the chapter. It comes off as hypersexual for guys too, by the way. I would recommend replacing it for guys as well.
Instead of "...comes through the metallic door...", a different verb with an adverb would improve the sense of movement that the reader is given. Something like "...strides quickly through the door..." or something along those lines. And for the dummy, instead of "..comes through the door..." for it too, it would be better to be specific and do something like "...emerges from a vault-like door constructed out of solid steel..." Generally, using "comes" is way over-rated. Unless there is genuinely not a better choice (which is very rare), it's best to mix it up with more specific words that inspire much better movement that is less dry to the reader.
There are a few tense changes. Do you want it in past tense or present tense? So far, present tense is predominant, so I would suggest going through that to change everything to past tense.
I would also suggest changing how you split apart sentences into paragraphs, because some are better together and it makes a disjointed reading experience.
Bit of advice to improve immersion: focus on what the reader would hear if they were there. How do the people speak? How does it sound? Everyone has a unique voice. For example, these sentences: "Excellent work, lieutenant. Your performance is as brilliant as they say, leave your gear at the table near the door on your way out. You’ll be given your next task in just a moment; we expect great things from you." (would split second-to-last sentence into two sentences as well) should be followed by a description of her sentences. To show what I mean, here's a story sentence of my own: "I don’t have the magic to fend off the effects of the Tormented zone and you do, don’t you?” I hiss, infusing my voice with quivering rage. Right after my main character says something, I describe how they are saying it. They are hissing it out, their voice wobbling in pitch because they are just that angry. You could describe your character's voice as "while her tone remains curt and polite throughout her announcement to the cadet, the threat hidden in her words 'or else' hung in the air."
Hope that helped! Looking forward to what you do next. I'd go over your next chapters, but I am already an editor for one of my friends, got stories of my own to work on, and the joys of calc I to deal with.

 

[Civilian]

Welcome to ScribbleHub! I can offer some feedback. Maybe some of it'll help! Who knows?!
In the first sentence, when describing the woman's voice as mature, it immediately comes off as odd and sexual. Of course the woman is mature. She's an adult in charge of the PA system of a paramilitary organization. Try to be careful about that! Also, you use commas instead of periods in between the stuff in quotations and the voice in this type of case, and a period right after "Welcome..." instead of a comma is the grammatically correct choice. It is important to give a different descriptor than mature in the other sentences as well. One would hope that she is more than a developed chest and nice hips, which is what the connotations of mature generally are (there are other, better connotations, but they are not visible in this story because it is not used with other words to describe her personality). Edit: Just now realizing you use it to describe guys too later in the chapter. It comes off as hypersexual for guys too, by the way. I would recommend replacing it for guys as well.
Instead of "...comes through the metallic door...", a different verb with an adverb would improve the sense of movement that the reader is given. Something like "...strides quickly through the door..." or something along those lines. And for the dummy, instead of "..comes through the door..." for it too, it would be better to be specific and do something like "...emerges from a vault-like door constructed out of solid steel..." Generally, using "comes" is way over-rated. Unless there is genuinely not a better choice (which is very rare), it's best to mix it up with more specific words that inspire much better movement that is less dry to the reader.
There are a few tense changes. Do you want it in past tense or present tense? So far, present tense is predominant, so I would suggest going through that to change everything to past tense.
I would also suggest changing how you split apart sentences into paragraphs, because some are better together and it makes a disjointed reading experience.
Bit of advice to improve immersion: focus on what the reader would hear if they were there. How do the people speak? How does it sound? Everyone has a unique voice. For example, these sentences: "Excellent work, lieutenant. Your performance is as brilliant as they say, leave your gear at the table near the door on your way out. You’ll be given your next task in just a moment; we expect great things from you." (would split second-to-last sentence into two sentences as well) should be followed by a description of her sentences. To show what I mean, here's a story sentence of my own: "I don’t have the magic to fend off the effects of the Tormented zone and you do, don’t you?” I hiss, infusing my voice with quivering rage. Right after my main character says something, I describe how they are saying it. They are hissing it out, their voice wobbling in pitch because they are just that angry. You could describe your character's voice as "while her tone remains curt and polite throughout her announcement to the cadet, the threat hidden in her words 'or else' hung in the air."
Hope that helped! Looking forward to what you do next. I'd go over your next chapters, but I am already an editor for one of my friends, got stories of my own to work on, and the joys of calc I to deal with.

Thank you, your feedback is extremely helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed reply, I'll be taking steps to improve my novel with the advice you are giving me. Thanks again.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Thank you, your feedback is extremely helpful. I appreciate you taking the time to write such a detailed reply, I'll be taking steps to improve my novel with the advice you are giving me. Thanks again.

Of course! My pleasure! My apologies if the initial paragraph came off as condescending. I'm realizing as I re-read my reply that it may have been so.