4 Chapters in, writing fifth, keen for some more feedback.

[Hads]

I currently have 4 chapters published, and have had feedback from my wife and a reader, which has been great. But I would be keen for some others too, my current concern is the pacing, I'm not getting as far as I had planned in my outline, but is this ok?

Also my Wife's complaint is that it just isn't interesting, is that just that it doesn't meet her tastes? Or is there something wrong with the story that I should fix?

Thankyou in advance.

Game Master in Another World

Geoff is a forever Dungeon Master who takes pride in keeping his players entertained. His games run smoothly thanks to careful preparation and a flair for storytelling. But after what seems like a normal day, Geoff awakens in another world as a formless entity, able only to move and observe....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[DismaiNaim]

I got a few paragraphs into the game, and at some point after dude turned himself into a platinum dragon, I just got bored.

There's no conflict. If there is one later on, you don't allude to it at all. In fact, your opening paragraph is just info-dump that tells the reader outright that this will be boring.

Here's my question: why should [the audience] read this? What is the story you're trying to tell? I didn't get far enough to get a sense of what you're trying to do—is the conflict related to the in-game drama, or is there something to the people playing it?

Here's a badly-written example:

{
All the game materials were laid out on the table. The dice were in a pile on top of the big Crown Royal bag I kept them in, all the character sheets were in alphabetical order, and I'd spend the whole week painting the pewter zombies they'd be fighting. I was ready.
Bob was the first to arrive; usually, he was late. His hair was disheveled, and he hadn't shaved. His clothes reeked of sour body odor.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
"I'm fine," he brushed me off. "Let's play."
}

In this example, I'm trying to hint that there's something wrong with Bob, which would invite the reader to pay attention to clues in his behavior. Whatever is going on in Bob's personal life then becomes a spine of conflict that pulls the reader along.

Alternatively, perhaps your conflict is the mundanity of life. The game is the outlet through which the players experience excitement. In which case, I might start in the middle of a fight scene, then end the chapter with the humdrum of ironing clothes for tomorrow and brushing teeth.

 

[Hads]

Thanks for that, the game isn't relevant to the actual theme, it was more set as an intro to the main character. I'm wondering if that first chapter should be removed even. I like your idea of reworking it to be the middle of a fight scene, I'll see what I can do.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Bob? Are the other players Sara, Dave and Brian?

 

[Hads]

Bob? Are the other players Sara, Dave and Brian?

To be honest I was using an actual game we had as the story but changed the names up to provide anonymity, but, was drawing a blank as to what to call them lol.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Ah ... then you shouldn't use those names (Robert "Bob" Herzog, Sara Felton, Brian Van Hoose and Boris Alfonso "B.A." Felton, the GM), since they are The Knights of the Dinner Table, a long-running comic book about gamers.

 

[Hads]

Ah ... then you shouldn't use those names (Robert "Bob" Herzog, Sara Felton, Brian Van Hoose and Boris Alfonso "B.A." Felton, the GM), since they are The Knights of the Dinner Table, a long-running comic book about gamers.

I've never heard about that comic book, interesting

 

[Hads]

I got a few paragraphs into the game, and at some point after dude turned himself into a platinum dragon, I just got bored.

There's no conflict. If there is one later on, you don't allude to it at all. In fact, your opening paragraph is just info-dump that tells the reader outright that this will be boring.

Here's my question: why should [the audience] read this? What is the story you're trying to tell? I didn't get far enough to get a sense of what you're trying to do—is the conflict related to the in-game drama, or is there something to the people playing it?

Here's a badly-written example:

{
All the game materials were laid out on the table. The dice were in a pile on top of the big Crown Royal bag I kept them in, all the character sheets were in alphabetical order, and I'd spend the whole week painting the pewter zombies they'd be fighting. I was ready.
Bob was the first to arrive; usually, he was late. His hair was disheveled, and he hadn't shaved. His clothes reeked of sour body odor.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
"I'm fine," he brushed me off. "Let's play."
}

In this example, I'm trying to hint that there's something wrong with Bob, which would invite the reader to pay attention to clues in his behavior. Whatever is going on in Bob's personal life then becomes a spine of conflict that pulls the reader along.

Alternatively, perhaps your conflict is the mundanity of life. The game is the outlet through which the players experience excitement. In which case, I might start in the middle of a fight scene, then end the chapter with the humdrum of ironing clothes for tomorrow and brushing teeth.

Thanks to your feedback I reckon I've solved the issue, I've deleted chapter 1, and just put a flashback to what was in chapter 1, chapter 1 was completely unnecessary.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

I've never heard about that comic book, interesting

It's become more of a gaming magazine than a comic book - first appeared as a filler in Shadis magazine back in the early 90s, then moved to Dragon for a couple of years before the writer tried to make a go of it as a comic book, found a partner to work with him on it (and other projects), and has been printing it, about 11 regular issues and sporadic specials and compilations, ever since.