.
- Thread starter The_best
- Start date
Dec
The Evil Mage
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2022
- Messages
- 600
- Points
- 133
So I read through the chapters you published, as you asked, and here’s my honest take. I will also note that I'm not a fan of cultivation stories and have little to no knowledge of how they work, so take that in mind when reading the rest of it.
Overall, you’ve got some solid character voices going on. Lin Fan’s arrogance comes through loud and clear, Xiao Mi’s despair feels genuine (for the most part), and Yu Kuan’s calculated dialogue fits his cunning personality perfectly. It’s good that each character sounds distinct—that’s not something everyone nails—but there are definitely areas that need work, especially in the dialogue.
One issue I noticed is that some conversations feel like exposition dumps disguised as dialogue. It’s like the characters are explaining things they already know to each other, which makes their lines come off as forced and unnatural. For example, when Lin Fan comments on Yu Ming’s cultivation level mid-fight, it feels out of place. He wouldn’t realistically stop to explain that—it’s something he’d already know. Stuff like this pulls me out of the story because it doesn’t feel like real people talking.
Another thing is the repetitiveness in Lin Fan’s tone. I get that he’s supposed to be cocky and sadistic, but when every other line is some variation of, “I’m going to torture you” or “You’re weak, and I’m the best,” it starts to lose its impact. He feels a bit one-note because of it. If you balanced his arrogance with moments of calm menace or sly wit, it would make him feel more dynamic and even scarier. For example, instead of him constantly shouting about making people beg, he could throw in a subtle, cutting remark like, “Oh, you’re proud of that little trick? Cute. Let me show you real power.” It’s still threatening but not as over-the-top.
There’s also the issue of how characters react to the chaos around them. Some of them feel oddly calm or detached during intense moments, which makes the scenes lose emotional weight. Xiao Mi is a great example—while Lin Fan is out there slaughtering guards, she’s calmly thinking about how to get Yu Ming to talk to his father. It doesn’t fit the situation at all. If she were panicking but still trying to think strategically, it would make her feel more grounded. Something like, “Yu Ming, please! My father—he’s going to die! Tell your father to stop this madness!” would make her desperation more believable.
Speaking of tone, some lines feel a little too cartoonish, especially with Lin Fan. Take this one: “I look forward to seeing you beg me like a dog while I torture you, old man!” It’s so over-the-top that it’s hard to take seriously. A more subtle approach would work better, like, “That’s it? I expected more from you. Don’t pass out on me now—the fun’s just starting.” It’s still sadistic but more restrained, which adds to the menace.
One thing I did like is how you use dialogue to sprinkle in world-building, like the mentions of cultivation levels or societal hierarchy. That adds depth to the story, but you’ve got to be careful not to overdo it. When characters start sounding like they’re giving a lecture, it slows down the pacing and pulls the reader out of the moment.
Btw, try keeping the chapter length constant. And put that author notes into author notes instead of lining them off like you currently do.
Overall, you’ve got some solid character voices going on. Lin Fan’s arrogance comes through loud and clear, Xiao Mi’s despair feels genuine (for the most part), and Yu Kuan’s calculated dialogue fits his cunning personality perfectly. It’s good that each character sounds distinct—that’s not something everyone nails—but there are definitely areas that need work, especially in the dialogue.
One issue I noticed is that some conversations feel like exposition dumps disguised as dialogue. It’s like the characters are explaining things they already know to each other, which makes their lines come off as forced and unnatural. For example, when Lin Fan comments on Yu Ming’s cultivation level mid-fight, it feels out of place. He wouldn’t realistically stop to explain that—it’s something he’d already know. Stuff like this pulls me out of the story because it doesn’t feel like real people talking.
Another thing is the repetitiveness in Lin Fan’s tone. I get that he’s supposed to be cocky and sadistic, but when every other line is some variation of, “I’m going to torture you” or “You’re weak, and I’m the best,” it starts to lose its impact. He feels a bit one-note because of it. If you balanced his arrogance with moments of calm menace or sly wit, it would make him feel more dynamic and even scarier. For example, instead of him constantly shouting about making people beg, he could throw in a subtle, cutting remark like, “Oh, you’re proud of that little trick? Cute. Let me show you real power.” It’s still threatening but not as over-the-top.
There’s also the issue of how characters react to the chaos around them. Some of them feel oddly calm or detached during intense moments, which makes the scenes lose emotional weight. Xiao Mi is a great example—while Lin Fan is out there slaughtering guards, she’s calmly thinking about how to get Yu Ming to talk to his father. It doesn’t fit the situation at all. If she were panicking but still trying to think strategically, it would make her feel more grounded. Something like, “Yu Ming, please! My father—he’s going to die! Tell your father to stop this madness!” would make her desperation more believable.
Speaking of tone, some lines feel a little too cartoonish, especially with Lin Fan. Take this one: “I look forward to seeing you beg me like a dog while I torture you, old man!” It’s so over-the-top that it’s hard to take seriously. A more subtle approach would work better, like, “That’s it? I expected more from you. Don’t pass out on me now—the fun’s just starting.” It’s still sadistic but more restrained, which adds to the menace.
One thing I did like is how you use dialogue to sprinkle in world-building, like the mentions of cultivation levels or societal hierarchy. That adds depth to the story, but you’ve got to be careful not to overdo it. When characters start sounding like they’re giving a lecture, it slows down the pacing and pulls the reader out of the moment.
Btw, try keeping the chapter length constant. And put that author notes into author notes instead of lining them off like you currently do.