Search results

Okay, so the description can be condensed to make it easier for the reader to grasp: "A story of second chances, lost destiny, and the fire of past lives. Betrayed on the battlefield, the legendary commander Kael Ardyn is reborn in a new body. In a world of magic, his soul takes on the form of a...

You have a very expansive way of describing everything that surrounds the protagonist and everything they feel. It definitely shows your world-building skills, but it also slows down the reading. You have to enjoy it (as I do), but many people avoid such "walls." The most frequently skipped part...

It's a smooth and enjoyable read. Definitely something I can check back in on from time to time to see how you're doing. :blob_hug:

"It was already cool, on the verge of being outright cold but not quite. " A slightly odd, convoluted sentence; "The frost was barely bearable" will do. "The jacket itself, with more than a few patches sewed on to cover the numerous tears earned from a couple of hard years living, probably...

It's a bit difficult to follow the main character's words when they're sometimes in parentheses, sometimes italicized, and it's hard to tell when he's thinking and when he's speaking. Especially since he sometimes thinks in parentheses, sometimes italicized. It would be a good idea to keep his...

A very interesting story. Very "straight from the source". It's like hearing the ramblings of someone who's played this game too many times and can't seem to escape the tutorial. :blob_okay:

It sounds great, like a role-playing game or a tunnel game with multiple endings. This requires a lot of work on your part, I hope you're ready for it. And most importantly, will Dante have his own character, or will he be a blank slate?

I like it. It has a slightly theatrical feel, which I'm not sure was intentional. There are few descriptions of the surrounding spaces, and even when there are, they're very sparse. It's a shame, but I understand the approach you took. It's a quick read; I didn't even notice when I reached the...

If you don't want readers to get lost in the narrative, you can use the simplest form of text modification: italicize it. This will add an extra layer of mystery and a "fantasy" touch. Instead of "warrior," it would be better to use "he" if you want to separate the dream character from the...

You have a very flowery writing style, lots of detail, and it's very colorful. This makes it easy to envision the setting, and it's pretty picturesque. If we're following Prince Johan, it would be good to give him more of an internal monologue. Especially since a 13-year-old would have many...

Am I to understand that this is a transcript of an audio broadcast? Video? Mental, I know, but depending on the type of broadcast, you need to focus on something different. With an audio broadcast, you can add more ambient sounds, and with a video, a short description of what the person watching...