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Nice work! Makes me want to do a scan of my story and do some small rewrites.

I mostly did shortening. My chapters shrank on average by 50%. Less is indeed more it seems.

Hmm, I just went over with some tips on writing, and they keep on telling me that a simple, concise and direct-to-the-point sentence is better than a verbose one. Also, I need to get rid of my weak sentences...

*quietly dies on the inside in the corner*

Cutepearl, come here. Let us sit here together alone and be depressed.

@Queenfisher B-But why?!

Hmmmmm ... I scanning through your work. I am honestly startled why it doesn't see more success. The flow of the writing is pleasant.

I think it is entirely the premise that is at fault. People want super edgy MCs.